AIBU to invite my mother over

[Calvinsmam]

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

I think I'm quite like your DH. I'm massively introverted and hate having other people in my house. Its my haven, it's where I get to come home to and not deal with people other than my DP and DD.

I also hate waiting for my other half to finish getting ready to go out. For whatever reason I don't feel like my evening can start until she leaves the house. If shes going out at 8, then inevitably she doesn't end up leaving till 8:30, and for whatever reason it makes me antsy.

And you know what? I'm self aware enough to know that these are my issues, and that I'd look like a complete headcase if I tried to hurry my DP out the door, or ban her from having family round. Your DH is being massively unreasonable and controlling. As long as you haven't got people round every other day, and you're giving him some warning that you're having guests, then he needs to stop being a dick.

he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.

He needs medical help.

He is quite sociable so is happy to go out with his friends, he will go to Glastonbury and stay in a tent for five days but says he finds having one of my friends over for tea too stimulating.

And/or he's just a controlling arsehole.

So OP, you were raised by a mother with mental health problems, and was trained as a child to work round someone else's mental health issues. You have chosen a husband who also has mental health problems, which you have just accepted you need to work round.

It's perfectly ok to say "this is what you need to be happy, but that makes me miserable, and my happiness and mental health is as equal importance to yours."

What support does your DH offer you?

What compromised for your happiness/mental wellbeing does your DH do for you?

Are you the only one working round other people's needs?

It seems from your posts OP that he is able to push his boundaries when it benefits him, eg sharing a tent at a festival with his mates but not when it benefits you, eg, you having your friends or family over.
This is a pretty high level of selfishness with you having to do all the giving up and adapting.
Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

@allhdghd doesn't matter if you're autistic. It is controlling.

The more you post the more obvious autism is.
(And I agree with him - if it's going to rain you don't want your washing out in it - it'll get dirty again and need rewashing!)

There has been little to no support from any professional body for my friend to manage the problems that arise.

Very few people with ASD get that post diagnosis anyway. The help is in understanding the root of your own difficulties.

I agree that the OP's DH is using control to try to manage his anxiety. However, this isn't like coercive control. It's about making his environment as safe and predictable as possible to try to reduce his own anxiety. This is a common strategy but not necessarily a successful one. Often, the more control a person has, the more they crave.

OP, the more you describe, the more it sounds like your DH's life is dominated by his difficulties and therefore yours is too. You need to find a way to change things.

You could join a support group for partners of people with autism. Your DH could join a support group for people with autism.
You could ask for a medication review to take into account his anxiety as well as his depression. There may be medication that would work better for him.

YANBU to feel that living like this forever isn't OK. I hope you can find a way to work through this together.

This isn't a marriage. Its a simple case of controller and controlee

doesn't matter if you're autistic. It is controlling.
Turn that on its head. To the autistic person a partner who insists that they have the right to have friends and family over whenever they want is controlling. Having to do the housework at their speed and in their choice of order is controlling. Having to go out and leave the washing out to be rained on when they know you have issues about that is controlling. Would you suggest to the autistic person that they should LTB because that was controlling behaviour and bordering on emotional abuse?

He sounds extremely controlling, I'm sorry to say. Are you really happy to live like this for the rest of your life?

You have a husband who won't let you have friends over without a ridiculous amount of notice (which presumably makes it far too difficult for you to plan anything - how convenient for him). However he's perfectly happy to go off camping at Glastonbury for several days.

He is even controlling you going out of the house - he makes you feel bad for putting make-up on, for getting ready to socialise without him. That's not a way to live your life.

He also has "high standards" when it comes to housework but is also "very slow". So in other words, he wants the house clean and has realised if he does it painfully slowly, you'll get so frustrated that you do it yourself.

Come on. Do you really want to live with someone like this for the rest of your life?

What bloody century is he living in! He's very controlling and why should you ask his permission to have your mum round. He sounds like he's bonkers to be honest. x

Autism isn't an excuse to control your partners behaviour.

But if you can't live with someone on the spectrum, then you don't have to. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone just because their behaviour is the result of autism and not genuinely controlling habits.

@RangeRider I get that- I have OCD so I know how important routine can be etc. But I've learnt how to respect others and also work with my boyfriend to not be a controlling asshole to him when something isn't going the way I want it to/and or he does something that trigger it.

Quite frankly, it's about not controlling others with your problems. OP's husband sounds like a nightmare to live with! And Glastonbury hardly has a set routine about it for gods sake. It's a complete mess there!

This is just wrong, OP. You shouldn't have to tip toe around your DH to this extent. My adult DS2 (still at home) has depression and PTSD and we were specifically told that we should not cater to him 100%. That is was important for his recovery and ongoing MH that he learns to compromise and deal with the stresses of everyday life.

Is he getting counseling for his depression? Is he trying (sincerely) to learn coping mechanisms? It doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds as if his 'coping' is to put you under his thumb and to expect you to 'order his world' for him. I suggest at this point that you see a counselor. Not only to help you sort things out, but to get advice on how to help him. No one should be made responsible for another adult's life to the extent you feel responsible for his.

Is this the life you want to lead? Fast forward 10,20,30 years .... Do you still want to be in the position you're in now?

And Glastonbury hardly has a set routine about it for gods sake.

I have an autistic DD who can't cope with large classes, busy noisy places, etc. Her school placement is specific to meet these needs and others. Yet, every year, she goes to Crufts. It is part of her routine. She goes on the same day of the show with the same person and does the same things as far as possible. She takes particular pleasure in seeing the same people returning year after year.

She comes home exhausted and in pain and it takes her a few days to recover but it is worth it to her.

Should her school placement be changed now because she can cope with those large groups of people?

There's a big difference between being able to tolerate people, chaos and dirt for one long-planned and prepared for event and being able to cope with things like that in your own home.

There are good reasons why the OP's DH needs to make some changes to improve life for both of them. The fact that he can tolerate Glastonbury isn't one of them.

OP, you say you've looked into autism. What was the outcome? Was your partner fully assessed?

He is quite sociable so is happy to go out with his friends, he will go to Glastonbury and stay in a tent for five days but says he finds having one of my friends over for tea too stimulating

Does he invite these friends to your home though?

I am happy to socialize with people in public because I know if it gets too much for me, I can take myself out of the situation. Having people in my home though increases my anxiety because I have no out or “exit route”. If I’m out & about, I can control when I leave, if people are in my home though, I can’t just kick them out when I’m overwhelmed. Overnight guests are even worse as I can’t relax until they’ve gone.

Now I know my introversion & anxiety is my problem to handle so I do my best to be considerate & accommodating when my partner wants to have someone over to our house however he is equally considerate of me & would never invite multiple overnight guests in a short period time etc. It’s about compromise.

OP your DH sounds very like my ex. Recently, many years after we parted he was diagnosed as having OCD. Our whole life revolved around his routine and if it didn’t he couldn’t cope. I not along with it for years because I loved him but finally saw it for what it was. It wasn’t beyond his control but was a way of controlling and manipulating me so he did not have to compromise in any way and could have things his way even if I was deprived of company etc.
Oh the freedom I felt when I finally left him. Get your life back OP. Demand compromises on his part (he CAN cope but doesn’t choose to) so that you can enjoy a normal family life and entertain friends once in a while. Think hard about if you really want children. How will you feel in 20 or 30 years if you do not have them? If you do want them then et yourself free to find partner who is prepared to meet your needs and is not concerned only with having his own needs met. Do not be emotionally blackmailed into becoming a carer to a self absorbed man in his 30s

Unless he is ill, he's being vu! It's your home too. Fair enough for a party, definitely a joint decision, perhaps for sleep overs its courtesy to run it past him but unless it was every night do whatever you want

PS if order, routine and cleanliness etc are so vital he could not possibly go camping!

What does he do to make sure your needs are met OP?

I can see what you do to meet his.

This sounds more like a sentence than a marriage.

If you do anything he remotely dislikes he gets upset and/or more depressed.

Have you considered doing those things anyway?

Have you considered that by shielding him from those irrational feelings you are validating those feelings and stopping him from learning ways to control himself?

Basically, stop trying to save him from himself. Live your life as you wish. Let the kitchen get messy. Have mates round on a whim. Let him learn how to cope. It is his problem not your problem. You can't learn for him, he has to work it out for himself. How can he learn if he never faces the challenge to overcome? Of course that will feel crap for him but hey that's life, nobody ever got better at something by avoiding it.

Unless he is ill, he's being vu!

The OP has already posted that he has depression. Depression is an illness.