... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

If he is there all the time, as you describe, then yes he should be contributing. And imo he should have offered already. I would sit down and talk it through - if he doesn't respond well to a reasonable discussion then you'll know whether you want to continue the relationship.

Thanks for replying AssassinatedBeauty

He is here all the time. It isn’t even a case of “what are you doing tonight, shall I come over after work?” he just comes by default. Every day.

I think he should have offered too. I tried to subtly approach it twice, saying things like “contribute” or “do things more fairly” but today I have been very straightforward and mentioned the money. I would have expected him to come back to me with some idea of what he could/will pay. I even asked if he needs to let his mum know, incase she relies on his rent. I don’t know how much more frank I can be.

:(

You're a fool. He stays with you, you cook, you clean, you do all his washing for him, he borrows your car. Like a 1950s housewife only you cover all the bills too.

Seriously, take a big step back and think. How well do you know this man? Do you want him to move in with you, or is it better that he get his own place and you date a while longer? If he has an army background he may well have some very traditional views about male and female roles in relationships. Is this what you want? Is this what is best for your child?

I am considering that BarbarianMum, and it’s an upsetting thought.

I am very independent person, I work full time and study a masters while raising my son singlehandedly; I don’t need a relationship, but after 5 years I want one. I’ve had casual things but I’ve never considered cohabiting until now, and we seem to have hit a block very early on!

He's said he agrees so now ask what's going to change

If he's living with you, which he is if he's there every night except two a month, he should be paying his fair share. He should be contributing to rent, bills and food. If he uses your car more than just once in a blue moon he should be contributing to insurance and petrol too. Of course YANBU. Why should he get away with living for free while you have the burden of all the costs?

He needs to be going halves with you to make it fair. If he doesn't agree, I'd ask him to leave. He can go back to his Mum's or get his own flat in London and see how much more that's going to cost him. Don't even think of letting him get away with just a meagre £200 contribution, which is woefully inadequate.

I’ll try, but it means me bringing it up again and I’m feeling really uncomfortable about it. Are men really that thick?

Thank you Dexter - I was thinking of asking him to pay £600, if he asks what I had in mind.

Some might think that’s too much

X, I need you to make a monthly contribution toward the household bills as you are here so much. I thought around 500 pound a month is about right at the moment, and this covers the extra amount it is costing me, when do you next get paid? Here are my bank details.

Jack, I only wish I had that strength. Instead I’m here in the middle of the night moaning about it while he’s snoring next to me! I’m pathetic

I’ll try again

Do you usually text? If so, couldn't you bring it up in text, to try and get a direct answer? It sounds harder than it should be at this stage though

I don't think you've been as frank as you could be, why are you waiting for him to come up with an amount? Decide yourself what you think is fair and actually discuss it instead of just saying you should discuss it!

No, men are not that thick. Plenty of them realise their responsibilities and don't expect others to pay their way for them.

My DP moved in after about 6 months of dating, we sat down with bank statements, payslips and a spreadsheet and worked everything out. No issues and no weirdness.

He stays with you, you cook, you clean, you do all his washing for him, he borrows your car. Like a 1950s housewife only you cover all the bills too.

That ^

Did he go Mum, army, mum, you? Because he needs to stand on his own feet, do his own shopping, clean his own place and pay his won rent. Unless you're happy being a stand in mum. Yuk.

You'd still be subsidising him at £600 if your bills and rent are £2000 a month! ( Unless he's on a very low income and you are on a high income, in which case there's maybe a case for a lower contribution.)

My daughter pays £600 pcm in rent alone for a single room in a flat share in London - no bills, no food and no free use of a car! £600 a month would be a very good deal all in. If he can't see that he's being deliberately evasive.

He has agreed twice but offered nothing up front, nor did he pay for the shopping today. He should have offered to go half on the shopping at least. I think he is mean of spirit and that is the worst kind of mean. Paying for the odd meal out - unless you are dining at Nobu once a week and the occasional treat does not cut it.

Remind him he has agreed twice, and say you have come up with a figure of 600 per month starting from now. Be careful OP. I can see a few red flags.

I would have expected him to come back to me with some idea of what he could/will pay.

Why? How are you expecting him to know what your bills are and therefore what's a fair amount for him to pay? You need to say 'I've worked it out and I think X is a fair amount for your contribution. It'll be easiest for me if you set up a standing order (or whatever you prefer).'

So when he said "I agree", how did you respond? I would have wanted to know precisely what he is agreeing and how that translates into reality.

Look. You don’t want him if he isn’t at least pulling his weight surely? Just say very matter of factly ‘seeing as you’ve moved in we should start splitting things evenly. Do you want to set a joint account or shall you put your half into mine every month?’ ‘If he protests just say that you misunderstood and that maybe he should stay a little less often-it’s a bit ott if you aren’t actually living together’. If he breaks up with you over this you’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble.

"he is a really good man"
No, he isn't. He's a cocklodger.

OP what are the timescales? How long have you known him, dated him and now "lived" with him? Who earns more and by what proportion? How long has he been out of the army?

bridgetreilly - yes, he knows exactly what I pay in rent and bills because I’ve mentioned it on a number of occasions.

MrsTerryPratcett - yes, pretty much. Mum, 8 years in the marines, mum, me.

Dexter - certainly not, I earn more but he has loads more disposable income than me regardless of the cost of the flat. (I have tuition fees, memberships and childcare on top of all the regular stuff)

KC225, we do eat out nicely when on dates, but we take turns to pay. I feel like a mug. I can see the red flag too and that’s upsetting

I can see that I just need to brave this and take the consequences if that’s what it comes to.
I’m disappointed that he hasn’t taken any of my increasingly obvious hints. Talking about money is never easy.

Mum, 8 years in the marines, mum, me.

Yeah, I think he needs a little independence. You're doing him no favours doing everything in the house and paying for everything.

Thighofrelief- he’s been out for just over a year, we’ve only known each other that long.

I earn more at the moment, but he earns a decent salary for someone in his 20s (about 35k) and has the potential to earn a lot more in the future.
I’m massively over sharing here, I hope he never sees this.