... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

The time to beat around the bush is over. He is living with you. He needs to start paying his way or he sleeps and eats somewhere else. It's time to put on your big girl pants and stop letting him fob you off.

YANBU. Your costs have gone up e.g. more food, more car usage etc. Your DP needs to contribute. What about saying something like:

DP, when I said we need to have a serious conversation about moving in and paying your way you said you agree, so here it is.
If you are moving in I reckon you should pay £xxx a month.
This is £xx for rent,
£xx towards gas/electricity/water rates/tv license/phone bill etc.
£xx for car insurance/road tax/petrol money (or £xx for car insurance/road tax and you need to keep an eye on how much you use it/miles you do and put appropriate petrol in) I suggest second option as if he uses the car a lot some months you might have a large petrol bill.
£xx towards food,
£xx towards ..............
£xx into a savings pot for things like new car tyres, unexpected car repairs, other unexpected extras. If this pot gets large we could use it for treats like eating out/takeaways/day trips etc and consider using it for a family holiday. I will also contri £xx towards this savings pot.

Please look at the figures and let me know by this time tomorrow if it is acceptable to you.

Of course you will tailor the list and amounts to your circumstances, but it will also give your DP a chance to think about what it means, if he really wants to move in or is just wanting a 'free ride'. Saying things like 'family holiday' should make him see how serious things are getting between you and help him make a decision on whether he is moving in properly or not.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I’ll try again tomorrow

OP well if he's earning £35k and paying his mum a nominal rent and you are going halfers with him on dates he's laughing all the way to the bank isn't he?

A year is a fair amount of time to know someone though so maybe all is not lost. If your expenses are £2k how about you open a join bank account and each pay in £1k to cover all expenses? He's not your lodger but supposedly applying for the position of LTP so go 50/50.

Or - he can transfer £1k pcm into your bank account and you pay the bills but that does let him continue to be an infant.

You could say - as we are partners and my living expenses are £2k that can be £1k each.

Is his mum a single mum too?

He went straight into a long-term relationship when he left the Marines... It's all very obvious to me as a random stranger on the internet who you can absolutely ignore.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace

THANK YOU! I’m using this

MrsTerryPratcett

Yes- are you his mum? Haha

If he's been in the marines for 8 years, he definitely knows how to clean a flat.

Yes- are you his mum? Haha

Nah, I'd have thrown him out

thighofrelief

Do you think half is fair? I have two bedrooms and one is my son’s, so I was thinking it’s fairer if I paid 2/3, or just over.

Also why did you pay for the food shopping tonight? Are you an insistent payer, is he a bit of a step backer at the till?

I have literally seen a man take two steps back at the till

I think I’ve shown him in a bad light here- he’s great with my son, great with me, a great person in general, but this is mind blowing to me. Maybe because I run my own home and he never has. Maybe he genuinely has no idea how much things cost?! Or maybe I am naive

Thigh- he didn’t get his card out, I did. But again it was a shop for my son’s things too, which I don’t expect him to pay towards.
It’s so tricky. We all eat different things.

He said he’d give me some cash. He didn’t and he won’t.

He needs to pay me a fixed amount towards the house, and food we can almost sort on an ad hoc basis (I’ll just keep sending him to the shop for things I’ve forgotten!)

OP well your son isn't earning is he? Is the bf going to label his food in the fridge or are you both all in? If he quibbles re your son's room - well he shouldn't really. If he wants to be a father/stepfather to your son then you should be aiming at a partnership. He isn't your lodger who you would charge per amount of space.

I should add, my groceries have gone from £30 a week to £70+
I had no idea how much fully grown men eat, I need to start saving for when my son eats like this

OP he has been eating your things (and your things are your son's things) so he can pay for your things and your son's things.

I understand that you are venting on a particular issue and I'm sure he's lovely. However, I think you have been independent for a long time and maybe you are a little apologetic about anyone incurring any expenses re your son. That's fine while you are dating.

Also you are asking him whether he has moved in - do you want him to? Or is the decision his?

OP He said he’d give me some cash. He didn’t and he won’t - this concerns me, why do you say this?

I do want him to.

But I’ve given him a choice; move in and pay, or stay twice a week and continue living at his mum’s.

That seems fair to me.

But I’ve given him a choice; move in and pay, or stay twice a week and continue living at his mum’s.

What he actually needs to do is get his own place like a grown-arse man.

thighofrelief - because this has happened on a few occasions now. He seems to think it evens out when he gets the next thing - e.g. he needed cash for something, I gave him £80, he took me to dinner the next evening and never mentioned giving the cash back. I’d rather the cash than the meal

MrsTerryPratcett - I’m giggling in bed

is he out ever.do you ever email.or even text.if so could you begin with sending a text or email saying something like. just going through my accounts as we mentioned you helping with costs.can you think over how you want to split things and we go through it tonight?"
then have I tout on the table when he comes home.
then on from there will tell you whether you should be with him.heartbreaking if he flees or causes trouble but equally not so because then that shows you hes not worthy of you anyway.

I'll come round and give him a good talking to

All is not lost. You've managed very well all by yourself and that will have taken a lot of courage and strength.

Draw on it and tell him that if he moves in with you, and say you would like him to, then it is as a partnership and that includes him paying his half of the rent, utilities food etc etc. Your son will have specific food, but your bf eats way more than the two of you combined, don't chip in extra for food money for your son. Pay separately I suppose for scouts, judo etc to begin with but ideally it should all come out of the same pot.

You are at different life stages but that's OK. Watch out for the - I will give you cash later and not doing it though. I never forget when I say that to someone and I am anxious until I have given them back the money - aren't you?

I honestly think that’s what he needs. I can’t believe his mum hasn’t asked him whether he’s paying me anything / told him he needs to. She was a single parent too so she must know what it’s like, and she knows he’s living here now.

Yesterday he took the car to go to football, when he left my friend who was staying this weekend (and has heard this rant!) said to him “fill it up with diesel on your way back!”