... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Hi OP. Thanks for coming back to us.

I did ask MN to remove your picture last night. Hope that was ok with you. You don't deserve any flack on here. You have quite a debate going. But I hope you are feeling fine and haven't worried too much. Be strong and have a good day.

Passive, looks like you're safe on the tabloid front.

Did he come round last night?

Pretending he doesn’t still live with his mum?

😂

I’m glad things have calmed down. The comment about your DS was pretty appalling to use that a diversion. I don’t think you need a conversation with him, although I can appreciate the desire to make him understand as he clearly doesn’t.

Of course @Poglets, thanks for looking out for me. I’m not a seasoned MNer these days

"There may be a conversation when things calm down but certainly not now"

You need time apart and you need to make firm decisions about what you want.

You also need to study your Son's behaviour whilst your BF isn't around. If that improves, then you need to speak to your Son about what the issues have been.

You described him as a BF, but when you have a child, unless he is willing to be a Partner, he shouldn't move in.

Good luck with everything op - I hope for your sake he shapes up and becomes less of a bellend. All things are possible (if unlikely).

Glad the drama is over, @Passive. You must have been drained after yesterday, hope life's a bit calmer now.

I don't think anyone mentioned taking the whole thread down, just the photo, as it was identifying. You wouldn't be able to get advice with the thread gone.

Anyway, I'm glad everything went ok. The way he reacted is a big red flag for future abuse if you'd stayed. It's obvious that some people on this thread have (luckily) never experienced abuse, so don't see the red flag, but even trained counsellors would see it. It's not that we're all bitter women.

I hope he leaves you alone now, and wish you all the best. There'll be a good man out there for you.

I disagree with just one thing you've said, Birds. If that little boy's behaviour improves it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. It will be obvious why that's happened and will reinforce the decision to call it a day is the right one.

He was very apologetic, said he needed things spelling out more clearly (used to following orders!) and that of course he would pay if he’d realised he was living with us.
He said the comments about my parenting were less of a criticism and more that he wanted to offer more support/help/advice.
Hmmmmm.

I expressed my concern that even if this was a miscommunication, it reflects badly on the future of the relationship. If we can’t even discuss the basics without a huge drama how can we face real issues in the future? It’s a shame, but red flags are there for a reason and I’ve been very badly burnt by hanging onto the wrong relationships in the past

Please tell me you've finished it with him?

@Passive1

Is the Mondrian cancelled ?

How did he not realise he was living with you?
And even if not officially he should have been offering money for food at the very least.
You don't need help or advice on how to raise your boy when you have been doing it alone for 5years.
He's not worthy of you op, don't waste any more time on him.

Please do not go back.
You will be doing this again nextonth over something else.

Very typical pattern of an abusive personality. All nice until twarted then goes off on one then comes crawling when they realise you've tumbled them. Please block him. You are in recovery from an eating disorder and don't need someone like this. He sees you as vulnerable and thinks he can make you doubt yourself enough to give him another chance. My brothers are both ex-forces and knew that life costs money and that they needed to contribute to where they were living. Ex forces is not an excuse for lack of decency.

I hope you dont take him back, OP. Even in a GF/BF way that doesn't involve him moving in in any way.

Cos, when the dust has settled and he's back in your life, he can just carry on pretty much where he left off - not paying for the mundane stuff, but flashing the cash on restaurants and stuff that benefits both of you. He can use your food, car, hot water when he stays over (not moved in ) - because if he hasn't 'moved in' then he shouldn't pay for it.

And he can have a pop when he likes about your son, because 'he's never had to deal with this, it's all new'. And he knows better. And your son will suffer and you 'won't know why'.

Hope he stays gone. You do not need a bloke, any bloke, certainly not one who feels entitled to act like this.

He 'didn't realise he was living with you'
He 'just wanted to offer advice/support about raining your son' when he admits that he doesn't know the first thing about it and doesn't actually want to ?

Don't be sweet talked, OP. As I said, go back and all this will be swept under the carpet. And next time, you won't be able to raise any issues, because he'll just go straight on the attack.

To those who think she will be 'throwing it all away on the advice of some drama-seeking harpies on MN' - this is not a relationship worth hanging onto. How can you not see that - or are you so desperate for a man, any man, that you'd rather take whatever is out there, and be grateful for whatever treatment?

This was NOT just a 'miscommunication' issue - this was a MAN who knew exactly what he was doing. Taking advantage of a single parent, who should be 'desperate' and grateful.

Please don't be hoodwinked into him moving in without a proper conversation about it, especially since you have a 5 year old child

This must be the daftest recent comment on this thread showing how people don't RTFT! He's moved in, and now he's being moved out

Roussette if you had bothered to 'RTFT' you would have seen that I posted at 23.20 to acknowledge that things had moved on since that post.

You have done well OP. Take a step back and don't make any big decisions. I really don't like how he behaved and it's a very unattractive trait to have to manage/train another adult.

It's none of our business Passive, but you have been quite evasive with your post.
Just be careful that forgiving the ' misunderstanding' and accepting money does not in his mind give him a 'say' in how things are tun in your home.

Will you be spending 'his' housekeeping on handbags & shoes? 'His' housekeeping on expensive (IHO) clothes for your spoiled son? Take your car when he wants & without asking as he has 'paid for it'?

Have a few days to reflect and wander about your house without feeling you are treading on eggshells. You are setting the path for the future here and showing you will accept financial and verbal abuse.
Good luck.

He said the comments about my parenting were less of a criticism and more that he wanted to offer more support/help/advice.

NO.. that isn't what he did or why he did it.

He called you a crap parent.

You know he did, HE knows he did.

You are going to let that one by?

I’ve been very badly burnt by hanging onto the wrong relationships in the past

Remember this? This is what you are doing again right now, AND you are dragging your child into it too.

He said the comments about my parenting were less of a criticism and more that he wanted to offer more support/help/advice.
And he decided that the right time to offer support/help/advice about your parenting was in the middle of a row about money?

The barrier is you have a small child who you let walk all over you.

This is what he said Passive 'who you let walk all over you*

that is not constructive in a million years - it shows resentment/jealousy and unkindness towards a small child.

It shows absolute contempt for you and for your child.

This guy is showing you who he is. All this BS he's spewing now is to throw you into confusion so you take him back

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. there may be no way out the next time.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, no, I haven’t taken him back, I was just giving an update.

I really do want a proper relationship/ family and I’m afraid this appears as though it was never going to be one.

Onwards and upwards!