... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

You're in a relationship, you should be able to communicate about fundamentals such as money and your living arrangements. I think you haven't done enough to spell out your expectations. So tell him what you propose. I don't get all the embarrassment about it, he is your partner not a houseguest

Well hasn’t he just found a perfect set up for leaving the Marines?

I think if you can’t talk about money then it’s too early for him to be moving in and you should tell him so. Don’t dress it up or apologise.

Tell him what you’ve told us - that you’ve raised the topic enough times for him to know it needs to be resolved.

I also suggest you refuse if he suddenly wants to talk about it - money is actually no longer the issue, but his avoidance of discussing it. If you agree to thrash something out now the chances are you’ll agree to less than is fair out of relief, embarrassment, guilt or whatever and it will be harder to renegotiate later. Better for you both to go away and come up with some principles and then work out what that would cost.

You have rushed into moving him in. Added to which he has a huge culture change to deal with in leaving the forces. I’d scale things back big time before moving him in officially. But you shouldn’t feel bad for asking for money, he’s a chancer.

Honestly I would go much much further than you are planning to. This is still such a new relationship. You haven't planned a future together and yet he is living with you and your son?

Moving in together is such a big and significant step you should make that decision consciously and with discussion and agreement on both sides.

I'm furious at the amount of money you are bankrolling him. £100s a week in food, bills and transport. Imagine how much you would have in the bank now if you didn't do that, enough for a bloody nice holiday!

If you still want a relationship with him I'd go right back to dating once or twice a week. No staying over, no extra groceries. If you can't talk to him about money you have no business being in a relationship with him at all.

TBH I don't like the sound of him, he doesn't sound like a keeper.

I agree with Agent.
You didn’t ask this guy to move in with you. He just turned up and installed himself in your home. And now you’re paying for him too?

Assert yourself for God’s sake.

I agree with those who say he probably has no idea about the cost of living or bills.
In the army they deduct everything before you get paid and you never think about it. Food, accommodation, utilities you name it. Even things like moving to another posting is managed for you and sorted.
Since he went from mum to army to mum he will have no experience and no clue. Yes even as a grown man. The army even supply clothes.
He agreed he needed to pay something so tell him what he has to pay and why. If he doesn’t pay or is reluctant then by all mean kick him out, but he very probably genuinely does not get it unless you are straight to the point.
The army puts its personnel in a bubble where everything is taken care of for them and it never has to even cross their mind.
He’s just substituted the army for you. Now you’re taking care of everything.
You will either need to be much more straight with him - I need you to pay x every month, you need to do y if you’re using my car. Etc.
Or you could decide it’s way to much hassle to reprogram him to civvi street and send him back to mum.
Both are perfectly reasonable paths to take and with a child already do you actually want another (overgrown) child you have to help find their feet in the (non army) world?

Do you receive any benefits? If you are expecting him to contribute- which is fair, then you will have to adjust any benefits you receive accordingly. And have it known he's living with you. Are you ready for that with such a new relationship?

He doesn't sound lovely, he sounds selfish and mean with money.

Do update us after you speak to him today, OP!

From what you say, I would be very surprised if he ever pays you £600 a month. If you insist on a fair contribution you might find he starts spending more times at his mother’s
again.

You are panicking too soon. When my DH first moved in to my place 25 years ago I remember feeling like you. Now he is by far the main wage earner and a great husband. Set up a joint account and ask him to pay whatever you decide into it.

OP, he needs to contribute half. Your expenses amount to £2000, he needs to pay £1000.
Don’t feel bad about telling him what he needs to do. It’s not grabby, you’re not doing anything wrong. He is.

Errr, but you said his reply was 'I agree'?! To me that is him saying ok let's sit down and talk about it - so why didn't you have the conversation there and then??

He sounds like a man baby

When dh moved in I continued to pay for everything and we put what he was paying in rent in a savings account which we used as a house deposit. But we both knew we were going to be together for good within months.

What exactly does he spend £2,000 a month on if he has essentially no living costs? It's a bit worrying that he needs £80 cash from you in that situation.

I think you need to dial back a bit and take control of the situation. He's moved in by stealth, very happy to sponge off you without a thought even though you have brought it to his attention. It's worrying that he dismisses you when you mention it.

His actions have forced you into this situation where you're now on the back foot and agonising over how to ask him to pay his way.

Look forward five years, how do you expect this to go? I predict another child in the mix in the next couple of years, finances still in the same state and him not lifting a finger to change a nappy etc. Which I'm sure can be excused by him having been in the army?!!!

I had this with now DH. After about 8 weeks of him being there every night I told him he needed to tip up as I couldn't afford to feed 3 of us on my wages and that I need to inform tax credits if he had moved in. I told him how much my bills were, and what I used to spend on shopping. And how much tax credits I would lose which was all of it.

We worked out a plan and worked out money fairly because he wanted to be with us. He still has no real idea of running a budget, still no good idea of what a reasonable shop is or how much we pay in utilities etc. He just knows how much he needs to earn to maintain our standard of living.

Sit him down, show him the outgoings and ask how much he thinks is fair. Fwiw I don't actually think a 50/50 split is that fair as you have a child and he doesn't. When I went through it with DH I paid for childcare and dds activities initially but it eventually just got absorbed as family outgoings.

Sit him down with a pen and paper and say Right, let's have the conversation now then.

I’m disappointed that he hasn’t taken any of my increasingly obvious hints. Talking about money is never easy

That's the other problem - have a grown up conversation rather than dropping hints! A lot of people (male and female) don't react to hints, because the just don't get them. Have a proper conversation about it, when you have all the facts and figures to hand and take it from there, there shouldn't be any 'consequences' from it

I think half is too much

Someone above has suggested you open a joint account. DO NOT do this this.

I agree!

No, half isn’t too much. He isn’t paying for her son, the childcare and any extras come on top.
Rent, bills and food should be split in half. He eats more (as a quantity). She cooks, cleans and pays the bills, looks after the car etc.

He said he agreed ! Why haven’t you both had a sit down with pen/paper and worked out the amounts and sorted it out ? Sounds to me as if you are both avoiding it possibly for different reasons some good some less than good but it’s nothing to be so upset about surely ? I really am mystified as to why you are so upset with him when from your oosts I can’t see that you have taken any active steps beyond the initial agreement discussion tomsort it all out. Yes itnwouldnhave been better if he had taken the initiative but it would have been better if you had too !

Good point about tax credits which will be affected if he has moved in and you are living as a couple.