... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

You don't seem to have ever had a discussion about moving in together, he seems to have just done it. But then he moves out if you are not there, which indicates it really isn't his home, rather he is just a very frequent visitor. Where are the majority of his clothes? Where does his post go to? Where is he on the electoral role?

I think you need to work out exactly what this arrangement is and the finances need to be part of that wider discussion.

At the moment though, yes I think he is taking the piss. He must know you are buying all his food even if he somehow thinks it is ok not to contribute to rent and bills as you are paying them regardless of him being there (not that I am suggesting this is ok).

I must admit, the situation reminds me of myself many years ago, a boyfriend moved in but didn't want to contribute or see why he should. He paid for nights out but nothing towards living costs. This was because he was not committed to me. I fairly quickly told him he had to go if he would not pay.

My now husband on the other hand, moved in with me very quickly, we met travelling and he moved in when we got back. He didn't contribute at first as he needed to find a job, but as soon as he did, we pooled everything immediately and without any discussion.

A few thoughts

1. The “rent” is too low.
I agree wholeheartedly with this
My daughter pays £600 pcm in rent alone for a single room in a flat share in London - no bills, no food and no free use of a car! £600 a month would be a very good deal all in. If he can't see that he's being deliberately evasive.

You should charge £600 plus bills (which excludes food).

Stop trying to package up a “good deal” for him.

2. Change your perspective
The money you are using to sub him is money that could be paying for things for your child (including university savings)
He is literally stealing money from you and your child’s future.

3. Read back your posts
More alarmingly (and sorry if I missed it) he has just “moved in” without an actual discussion or agreement - Do you actually want this?
It’s been less than a year and you have a young child. I get you’d like a relationship but this guy really doesn’t sound like a winning horse.

4. The reason he doesn’t get it is because he doesn’t want to
You have postulated on repeat trying to understand his perspective on a pretty basic concept (stuff costs money)
How many hours have you spent thinking about him and how to make him understand/why he doesn’t understand?

Now think about how many hours you think he has spent trying to understand your perspective or thinking about what you need?

Honestly this guy is showing you who he is.
I’d be backing right off but I know it’s hard being single and you’ll feel you invested a lot in the relationship so want to save it.

If you really do want to stay with him, he needs to move out and you should explain he cannot stay more than 2 nights a week. you should also make him pay half on all costs.

4. The boxing
Stop Being a pushover. In my house it’d go like this...
No problem sweetheart. do you have £20 in cash?
Oh you don’t...
do you want to bank transfer it before the game?
Oh,It’s too complicated...
okay well there’s a cash machine down the road....

5. Would you be happy if your son was treating a woman like this
If so, crack on.
But be aware your son may well end up modelling this guys behaviour so I’d be very careful about how much of a 1950s housewife/subsidiser/facilitator you become for this man.

When he said “I agree” was your cue to say “I’m not sure where to start, but I would say my food shop has gone up by about £200 pcm, and utility bills by £xx”.

What about saying “shall we have a food and petrol kitty that I pay xx and you yy ( take account of your child) and you pay a third of the utility bills!”

It will be weird if you seem like his landlady.

I would add up the cost of half of the
Rent
Bills
Groceries
Fuel
Car expenses (if he is using regularly)

Divide by 2

Tell BF to transfer that amount into your bank account every month OR move back to his mummy’s

I wouldn't divide things by 3 and you pay 2/3, your son isn't contributing to the household income. If this cocklodger is that interested in you, you and your son come as a package, it's all or nothing.

How about you teach him about spending and cost of things

Contribute £x to bills rent and food - £600 seems ok ish if £2k is all the above

Contribute towards fuel by filling up from time to time - perhaps contribute towards maintenance and insurance/tax

Share nights out

Pay back money borrowed as money not nights out

He probably doesn't have a clue as it's always been done for him!

I went out with a guy years ago who spilt red wine all over my beige carpet. He promised to pay for the carpet cleaning - I was an artist and skint.

The next day he turned up with fancy lingerie. He gave it to me and expected me to a) be happy to get such a gift b) for the gift to replace the need to pay me £80 that the carpet cleaning cost.

He really didn't understand why I wasn't happy about it - but it basically summed him up. He was, essentially, tight as a ducks ass unless it benefited him directly.

I hope your DP isn't one of these sorts of blokes. It's no way to live.

I'm stunned you've allowed him to sponge off you for so long. He knows exactly what he is doing. He has more than doubled your food bill so don't do 2/3 On the food. My youngest ds eats like a horse I didn't notice how much until he went on holiday for a month and no had all this money left over. I don't mind, he is my son and saving to move out, but it costs a bomb to feed men.
Stop lending your car out unless he pays first! Same with tv extras, pay first.
You've tried to discuss this he ignores you, massive red flag.
No decent man would do this it is a cock lodgers classic move.
He's on 35k not skint then just using you and all the services you kindly provide free of charge.

Sorry typo I had all this money left over

You really need to sort this out before you become so resentful that you can't continue the relationship. It sounds like he has never learned to be responsible for himself. I am not excusing it at all but you need to be very forthright about your expectations so he knows exactly what you need from him.

Have the conversation - don’t feel too bad or awkward. He may simply be clueless about living expenses. Make sure your cost proposal is fair and not subsidising him or I think half given he has raised the food bill by over 100%.
However, if he chooses to go back to 2 days visiting at yours, stop lending the car, alternate cooking dinner and don’t do his washing at all, he doesn’t live there. You have one child, don’t let him sook that he doesn’t live there so doesn’t have to pay and expect you to be his back up mum still.

Op you've worked so hard in
raising and maintaining your life and son on your own! Why allow someone to do this to you. You've done the hard work, he shouldnt reap the benefits.

There is no way that he can be this thick or oblivious as to how things work. Hes taking advantage of you.

To be honest , even having to bring this up would put me off him.

Tro makes good points. He seems to have just moved in by stealth. That's never good.

He sounds that that dangerous combination of charming, but actually utterly shelfish.

Frankly, he should move back to his Mums, you've only known him a year? How early did he get his feet under the table? Tell him it's moved too fast and you need your space for you and your son.

I understand you'd like to be in a relationship but that's not a good enough reason to be his cook, maid, landlady and mother substitute. Over time he will become deeply unattractive to you because he's taking advantage of your generosity. Its not right just to move in and take, take, take. Of course he's got some good qualities, nearly everyone does.

Trojanpony has mad a crucial point he is essentially stealing money from you and your son. Infact her whole post is spot on.
Stop being a mug here.

I understand the people saying that you should just tell him how much he needs to contribute. The problem for me with this is that you are taking on all the thinking and making it easy for him.

Instead, I would be inclined to tell him that you cannot afford his company any more, your bills and chores have increased. You have given him cash and not been paid back. He may take you out for meals but that does not pay your bills. He is not doing his share of the chores.

He says he will contribute (to the bills), what is he actually waiting for?

This would give him one last chance to offer what he can do to make this relationship more equal. If he steps up, brilliant. If he doesn't, do you really want two children? Are you really comfortable as PP says, to take money from your DC to give to this 'man'?

I just wanted to say about the £80 he borrowed. He said he'd pay it back but then decided paying for dinner was enough.
Did you eat £80 worth of food and drink? Did the whole bill come to £160? Or £80? If it was £80 altogether, you just bought him dinner. Who paid for dinner the next time you went out? I bet it was you...
I think he's using you, probably justifies it to himself as you'd be paying for your flat anyway.

OP, l really don't like what l have read. Please listen to the posts by others, they talk sense.

He is taking money away from your son and you are letting him - that's not on.

If he doesn't pay his way and steps up, then you really need to rethink this relationship.

Does he have a key? If he is only going to stay twice a week, then take it back off him. He doesn't need access to your home when you're not there

OP I've been thinking about you (bossy online Agony Aunt not stalker ). I'm concerned about the £80 - that's a month's child benefit for 1 child. It's not a piddling amount and it's not fair.

When i said earlier keep your hands in your pockets and ask for cash which you don't pay back you said you couldn't possibly do that. I couldn't either but why can't we but he can.

Paying for a date the next night doesn't count - because you go turns on date paying anyway. Pre-bf £80 was almost 3 weeks shopping for you and your son. But you're at fault here too, you've been a bit delicate over money.

Tell him to set up a standing order TODAY for £600 on X day of the month. Get him to give your November money by this week.

If not I would be dumping

I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

You realise this was you being told to shut up and stop nagging him, yes?

I really, really think you should reconsider all of this.

he sounds like a sponger to me. I would have one more conversation about this, telling him exactly what he needs to contribute. Do a spreadsheet or make a list. See if he comes up with the money. If he doesn't, I'd get rid, no-one needs a cocklodger.

Great post from Trojan, especially points 2 and 3. Did actually discuss moving in together or has it just sort of happened? Is it what you want?

This has only been going on for two months so all is not lost. He has a chance to make a change, but if this hasn’t been properly sorted out by Christmas you should give him the boot.

I agree with the posters who suggest breaking the amount down for him. Asking for (say) £600 may seem like a lot (to both of you) so it will help if it’s broken down.

Use the phrase “as you’re living here you should contribute to” rather than “my costs have gone up by £x since you moved in”.

If he just makes sure that you’re not out of pocket, rather than contributing financially to the partnership, then he is benefiting in practical terms from your relationship, while you’re not, you’re only breaking even. That is not fair.

You’re not going to want to hear this but you need to, this isn’t a ‘if it wasn’t for this thing he would be the perfect bloke’, it’s a major red flag. He’s not thick or deaf, he’s just calculated (correctly) that you’re a pushover.

Do not (continue) to let this man live with you. He moved in by stealth and because you don’t have it in you to assert yourself, it went unchallenged, do you really think that this type of behaviour is going to change if he moved in? Or more importantly, you’re ability to challenge this behaviour.

In the nicest possible way OP, this isn’t a nice man, he’s got your number and is willing to exploit it in his favour both financially and emotionally.

If you don’t have your own best interests at heart, why the hell do you expect some man you barely know to and If you don’t want to be a surrogate mother for a grown arse man, stop acting like one.

His entitled behaviour is a pattern and not the isolated incident that you want it to be.

He's moved in. He needs to pay half towards everything - rent, bills, food.

COCKLODGER! alert.

Any decent human can see they need to contribute. While it's unpleasant talking about money, it'll be a hell of a lot more unpleasant kicking him out down the line.