... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Crumbs OP...YANBU at all!

Difficult though it might be, you must sit down with him and ask him what his intentions are with regards to his living arrangements. If you are happy to have him living with you then tell him that but say you really need help towards the bills and living expenses. Have all the figures at hand (very important) and show him your current outgoings. Have a figure in mind about what you think is fair and suggest that to him. Make sure you have done all this preparatory work first.

If he doesn’t like it, he can go and live with his mum. He has choices. You are not putting him on the streets.

For what it’s worth, sometimes being in the forces where issues such as bills and living expenses are taken away, can mean that he simply is not used to dealing with that reality. This isn’t an excuse but it could be a reason for his lack of insight. You are going to have to bring this up with him. The future of your relationship depends on it because he resentment will only grow otherwise.

By the way, congratulations on juggling so many balls...working and Masters degree among other things. If you can do all that, you can do this!

Another who does not understand how you have let this go on. He must be well pleased living with you for free and getting all the perks. Do not get me started on you still going halves when going out for a meal?? All your bills have risen, including council tax and does he pay for now being on your insurance? Alarm bells would have been ringing for me a long time ago, I would not entertain a tight person, he is a cock lodger. Yes discussing finances is awkward, but if he had an ounce of decency he would have realised and brought it up first.

I tried to speak to him again this morning. His reply was “I said, we’re a team”. I asked what that meant and said “this has gone beyond being a money situation. Why am I having to bring this up again? Let’s go back to seeing each other a couple of nights a week”

He said nothing.

My son came in.

I asked my son to eat his breakfast in another room to give him an opportunity to say something. “I haven’t got time now I need to get in the shower”

This is such an upsetting red flag. I think it’s going to force the end of the relationship.

You've talked to him before and he's still not taken action. You've been well and truly had here, and it's not keeping him awake at night, is it? He's living the dream, you're living the nightmare.

Pack him back to his Mums. And change your locks so he's there on your terms from now on and not his! In the nicest possible way, you're being a doormat here, and being well and truly used.

I don't know if you have seen my post, but I had a similar situation twenty years ago when I was in my late twenties. My boyfriend, who I had been with for a few years, rented his flat out, moved in with me and then did not contribute even though living with me meant he was making profit on renting his own place out! I think he did buy food though.

It went on for one month. After a similar reaction to what you have described, my next step was to grab some black bin bags and put his stuff in them. He went to his mums.

I’m of the “If you don’t feel comfortable discussing money and plans, you’re not ready to move in together” school of thought.

He really doesn’t sound great at all. You don’t get to pay someone back by buying them something that you chose to buy (and would have anyway).

I agree with Trojan, that you need to start viewing this as him actively taking money from you and your son.

Sitting down and having an adult conversation about money will tell you everything you need to know about him. If he just says “whatever! I agree! You sort it!” Or quibbles about how much he eats, or flounces, then please don’t let him move in at all.

And only have the conversation if you are sure you want him moving in. Take a step back. Ask him to go home for a few days. Have some thinking time. Is this actually what you want? Do you really want a man who won’t look after himself? Who expects you to pick up after him? He’s an adult. He can do all these things. Why doesn’t he want to do them for you?

Take some time. There’s no hurry to move him in. If he just wants to do the fun bits of a relationship, then you can choose that too, and see him for meals out instead.

Xpost

I think you’re right. He had no intention of doing anything but carrying on as he was

Hmmm I couldn’t put up with this. I think he is doing this intentionally- no proper adult would be this dim to not realise how much he’s impacting you - and your child- financially.

He said nothing because he knows he's been rumbled.

What a bastard he has no intention of paying his way. Sorry ok but at least he's only been freeloading a few months some people get used for years.
I hope you know you've done nothing wrong you just got sucked in by a sly user.

There's two different things to think about - do you want him to officially move in? This will affect council tax and may affect benefits etc as you will be considered a family unit. If he is wanting this (but just didn't want to be too forward) then you should be splitting household bills 50/50 with the exception of child costs which are your responsibility.

Alternatively he should be contributing to the extra costs, the simple way is for him to pay for groceries some of the time and fill the car with petrol. I would also suggest that he doesn't stay over so often - I'm not sure about council tax single person relief but with other benefits it used to be 3 days a week max before they would say the person has moved in and their income would be taken into account (a neighbour got caught claiming her boyfriend lived at his parents when he stayed at hers most nights)

Only you know if you want him around all the time, how you feel but if he refuses to help out financially you need to be strong enough to walk away

Why would you even want to see him a few times a week he sounds childish? Please raise your standards so your son knows how to treat women.

Well done, stop giving him choices about what he wants and think about what you want eg ‘I don’t want you here every night’ or ‘I don’t want to be this serious with someone who doesn’t pay even a quarter of his way’.

He will never "have time" to discuss it.

You have done exactly the right thing in taking the bull by the horns - don't start to weaken now (especially if he comes home with flowers etc tonight".

If you don't manage to get an agreement tonight, and even better a money transfer as a gesture of goodwill until he direct debit to you that he needs to set up, kicks in, then do as a PP suggests - anything he has at your home, bag it up and give it to him. If necessary change the locks (not sure if he has a key, but just in case. You don't need this.

Another one wondering why he needed to borrow money.
I would chip in with saying how much should contribute but after your update I would also be filling binliners with all his stuff.
If he really is a keeper he'll still want to see you a few nights a week.
And ask for your £80 back!

One last opportunity.
Schedule a meeting with him. Say at x time we are going to sit down and go through the bills and work out together what kind of reasonable amount you should pay.
If he refuses or fudges then he has to go.

Assassinated beauty. Love your user name

I have read all of your posts, sorry, this website is not very intuitive when it comes to replying. Can you tag people?

As he left and said “see you later” I said “I want you to go back to your mum’s tonight. I have given you three options, stay a couple of nights a week, move in and do things properly, or we move somewhere else and start properly together and you have come up with nothing, no suggestions”

He said “I don’t have time now”. I said “I brought this up on Tuesday, you’ve had almost a week to come up with a suggestion. Do you need me to break it all down for you? Why do you keep putting me through the embarrassment of bringing it up?”

He said “I said last night ‘we are a team’”, by this point I was getting quite upset and said “what does that mean?! That isn’t a practical solution to the issue I keep raising!”

And he left. I’m so frustrated.

My x did this but went one step further and moved in with me but then I found out he had carried on paying rent to his mum and not me because “she needed it”. Don’t let your situation get worse. I wish I had acted quicker than I did.

We're a team !!! He certainly uses the right words!

I would've replied 'NO. You are a tightwad. How many hints have I dropped that you need to pay your way here and you've ignored? This is not working'.

Well done Passive1 for confronting him. That was clear. He needed that.

Ball is now firmly in his court.

I honestly think it has been convenient for him to sponge off you like this and that must be extremely hurtful to you

As team we share the burden of things such as bills for rent and food. We don’t just share my bed. Here are my bank details

I agree with others that it sounds as though he has moved in by stealth, do you actually see him as your long term partner and step father to your child? Everything is on his terms which makes him a really unattractive ‘catch’, you are clearly are hardworking, financially independent woman, what on earth does this cocklodger of an ex-marine bring to your life (apart from the obvious ). Agree with him that it is best if he moves back to his mum’s, although I feel sorry for her, and ‘date’ him occasionally if you want to. If you can’t have a frank discussion about finance it will only get much worse when there are other serious discussions to be had.

Just tell him to pack his bags, what are you afraid of?

Apologies. Have rtft.
Or write out your list with suggested amount.
I personally would divide it by 3 and ask him to pay 1/3 but with the exception of food which should be weighted more heavily to him. He's an ex-marine ... he will eat a lot more than the average man. Hopefully he still exercises!

Has he "moved in" or are you just allowing him to stay in "your flat"?

If he is simply staying in your flat - do you own it? Or is it rented? Then he should contribute to food and fuel bills, and the car if he uses it.

However if you have 'moved in together" as in made a commitment to each other then surely you would be splitting costs 50/50?

It does sound, sadly, that he is resisting making any sort of commitment. That makes him a cock lodger