... to think my boyfriend should pay rent?

[Passive1]

I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m back because I need some honest advice.

I have been a single mother to my 5 year old son since I was pregnant. We live in a 2 bed flat in London and my rent/bills total approx £2,000 per month.

I am now in my first serious relationship since having my son. My boyfriend is a wonderful man but I’m getting resentful over money.

For the last 2 months he has stayed with us almost every night, spending around 2 nights a month at his home (if I have been away). He left the military recently so is back at his family home, paying his mum a little rent but working for a full salary- he has no debts or large direct debits, just a phone bill.

While he’s here I cook for him, wash his clothes, he borrows my car etc. and I continue to pay for everything and do everything around the house (which is fine because I’m very particular about food and my flat.)

However, the money is a problem. It is becoming such an issue for me that I’m losing sleep. I’ve raised it 3 times this week; most recently tonight, I said earlier today “we need to have a serious conversation about whether you’ve moved in, and if you have we need to do things more fairly because I’m paying for the car, the fuel, the rent and everything in the flat and that’s not fair if you’re using it as much as I am”. He said “I agree”.
I just brought it up again and all he said was “I said I agree”.

AIBU here? Am I a cow for thinking he should have offered already, and since I’ve been so up front, should he not have come up with some suggestions/ figures?

To rebalance this, he is a really good man, he’s started helping more around the flat and he came food shopping today (I paid) but this will end the relationship if it’s not resolved. He isn’t tight with his money in other ways, he takes us out for dinners, buys treats on the way home etc. but this is pretty fundamental.

Please (gently) tell me if I’m being unfair - after all, I’ve been paying it all for the last 5 years. If you do think he should contribute, how much? Just the “extra” he costs, which is maybe £200 a month, or a proportion of the rent/utilities too?

Glad to hear it OP. I hope he's under no illusion that it's over

Great update op. Best of luck with everything.

Yes, whenever dh and I discuss money, I like to interject with, “I didn’t like how you managed ds when he was cross last week”, because that is a completely sensible and reasonable response when having an adult discussion about something else.

And of course when I’m telling him that I think he’s doing the parenting wrong (during our budget planning), he fully understands that this is me expressing how I want to support him in it more, and isn’t a criticism or deflection.

Nope and nope. He really did think he had a card to play to get him out of any situation. It’s only when you put it in the context of normal communication, that you can shine a light on how strange and nasty it actually is.

He has a lot of growing up to do, and I wouldn’t want to be around that. I like an equal partner, not someone I have to teach basic skills to (especially if he has no interest in learning anything that doesn’t directly advantage him).

Onwards and upwards!

You go girl @Passive1!

OP did he give you the £80?

and that of course he would pay if he’d realised he was living with us

So because you didn't say to him 'you are living with me now' he didn't realise? Despite the fact he lay his head on the pillows in your bed every night?

That's a good one

So he’s back tracking now isnt he,talking rubbish !
He revealed his real self when he lost control of himself during his outburst.

Best of luck for the future Passive

When DP and I got together he never one criticised my parenting. He always and still does maintain I’m a great parent regardless of whether I think I am or not. And as a LP I would question my parenting at times.

For me the vicious insults about your parenting.
The trailing around with you during a supermarket shop picking out his own foods and then stepping back & watching you pay for his food like some kind of overgrown child.
Questioning your spending on yourself of your own money.
Are massive indicators of an abusive man.

No way would I ever consider this manchild as suitable partner material.

Good for you op for recognising he’s not for you.

I think he just says anything for an easy life and does what he wants.

The OP had the chat with him twice. He said "I agree" and then did nothing. Promises are easy, actions are harder.

Well done OP... you've done the right thing for you and your DS... and SWIFTLY too... you're a beautiful lass.. so as you yourself say.. onward and upward

I actually think her parenting was relevant as he seemed to think OP was asking him to officially move in with her permanently. Staying at someones house a lot when you have another home vs. officially moving in are two different things. He should have just said that he didn't feel ready to officially move yet.

Best of luck op, I promise you there are good guys out there!

so it sounds as if...

over the last couple of months the relationship moved on into cohabitation by stealth without either party discussing this with the other....

but obviously OP was thinking about it, assuming that the relationship was intensifying, and needing to think about it from a practical and financial side
and if her boyfriend was thinking about the relationship intensifying, he wasn't thinking about practicalities and finances, it was from the point of view of not feeling ready to be a family unit.

Sounds as if they've both had a wake up call that drifting into living together wasn't the right thing to happen, as there is a child involved and that makes the romantic slide into togetherness a completely different prospect that needs going into in a clear headed pragmatic careful way.

So now they need to spend time apart to figure out what happened. Maybe in this period they will realise that they really do love each other and want to be together and will resolve to work out practical, financial and emotional things together and move on in a clear headed way next time. Or maybe they will both realise that even though there was attraction there, they aren't what each other needed practically and they've dodged a bulllet. Who knows. But sounds as if it's the right thing just now, WELL DONE OP! x

May the next frog you kiss be a Freddo! Good luck to you and mini Passive1 in the future. I am a firm believer in the adage when people SHOW you who they are - believe them.

First he agreed that he should pay, twice, then he announced he didn't realise you two were living together? That takes the cake!

Glad you've sorted it OP, and I agree ask MN to take the thread down as the Fail loves this stuff.

I would like to sleep in your house and eat your food approx 320 nights per year, for free.

But I don't feel ready to officially move in.

Op he's lied to you. If he would pay if asked, and was so lacking that he needs to be told what to do (which in itself is deeply unattractive) then why did he stone wall you the first three times you mentioned it, and then argue the way he did, not just about your parenting, but also about how you spend your money, about how he pays for things when you go out etc. It's an illogical argument.

I don't know about you but any man who tells me he's behaved as badly as this one only becayse he has basically additional needs is not possibly someone I could find attractive. You need to spell it out, you need to give orders, he doesn't understand he was living with you (after being there nearly every night for two months), after you raising it three times, that he can't articulate him self properly is someone many people would struggle to be attracted to. Predominantly because it's a lie.

I suspect you know full well he doesn't have additional needs, but either way is it something you find attractive? Becaus what he's faced you with is either he is a man who will take financial advantage of you and lie to you, or he really does have learning difficulties and can't function as an adult, either of which is a life long commitment to manage.

Staying at someones house a lot when you have another home vs. officially moving in are two different things. He should have just said that he didn't feel ready to officially move yet

Then why not say 'yanno, I've been staying at yours a lot so why don't I buy the food shop and getting his wallet out?

Not criticise parenting, criticise what she spends money on and then say he's paid his way with nights out.

He's a pisstaking cocklodger and as his crap hasn't made the OP back down and doubt herself he's massively backpeddling because he's lost a cushty number with sex on tap.

First he agreed that he should pay, twice, then he announced he didn't realise you two were living together? That takes the cake!

I don't think that agreeing to give OP money for the extra costs of him living there means that he thinks they were already living together. He should give money for food and anything extra anyway.
No doubt he is very unreasonable and I doubt the relationship has a future but a lot of the disagreement stems from the fact that he thought OP was asking him to move in whereas OP thought he already had done.

OP has ENDED the relationship people....

Then why not say 'yanno, I've been staying at yours a lot so why don't I buy the food shop and getting his wallet out?

I agree. I didn't say otherwise!!

He's a pisstaking cocklodger and as his crap hasn't made the OP back down and doubt herself he's massively backpeddling because he's lost a cushty number with sex on tap.

He has already got a "cushty number" though as he stays at his mums for free anyway. Okay, having a relationship with OP means that "sex is on tap" but that is true for OP as well.

@Gemini69 seems some people can't/won't read and are also very tolerate of dreadful behaviour in relationships!

@Gemini69

I am not sure she ended it like forever, and if so, only because the man didnt step up...

I dont think its really over and we will not know what happened because the agressive posters scared the OP off of telling the truth

can you imagine the bullying the OP would get here, if she said: we had a conversation, we made up and going to the Mondrian on Saturday..?

seems some people can't/won't read grinand are also very tolerate of dreadful behaviour in relationships!

I'm not tolerant at all and think OP was totally right to end the relationship. I just think it is stretching it a bit to state that he was abusing, gaslighting, using etc etc. People on MN make such a drama out of everything.