To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

You are right 100 percent. Daughter comes first and let's be honest she'd rather be at home with her sister than with her dad and grandparents. If they refuse to drive then unfortunately they can't see her

Hi, I’m don’t have experience of your situation but I can fully understand why you want to have your DD for Christmas. Does her father not drive that he can’t pick her up?

I think it’s unfair that they want her for the full day as they don’t want to drive and that you loose out because of it.

They are changing the arrangement but want the privilege of her all day? Nope! Technically, as Xmas is a weekday, it is your day to have her. Tell them they can pick her up as per last year or have her another day!

How far away is dads house? Could you offer to drive her instead?

If you cant split the day then it should be alternate years. So that will mean being without her sometimes

It is quite usual when families are separate to do alternate years for Christmas and it is unfortunate there will be some years you will have her with you and some where she will be with her Dad.

Try to do this on an amicable basis rather than forcing the issue to mediation or court.

So agree to split the driving. Why doesn't dad drive? Why can't grand parents do the driving? If all want the joy of having DD on the sat, all have to make sacrifices.

So which day is her birthday?
Sorting a compromise is the way to go.. Otherwise this is going to happen every year...
Remind him the next three Xmas days are mid week...
Choose your wars.. Check and plan.
See when all the special days are...
Remember he will have your child every Easter as well...

You probably need to establish a pattern of every other year.

Christmas is always a tricky time for split families.

Why do you think they come first in the pecking order? Surely you have equal day?

Stand your ground. It's a weekday. She's meant to be at yours! Youve generously offered that they have her in the afternoon but if this isn't enough then there isn't much you can do.

Does her dad not drive? How do you usually do the hand over?

I think it's fair for you to make her available for them to spend the afternoon and night with her. The choice is then theirs. They don't get to choose that you spend the whole day apart.

TBH I think YAB a bit U. My parents are divorced and we used to alternate Christmas with each parent. If splitting the day works then OK, but if it doesn't then I think it's fair she has the chance to have Christmas with her dad sometimes. I treasure memories of christmases with both parents separately but equally.

What we used to do was just move the main celebration with our mum to happen on another day e.g. December 27th if we were with our dad on the day itself. It wasn't any less special or exciting. And vice versa when it was her year.

How old is your older DD? If she's young enough not to know the date you can just not tell her, and if she's old enough to realise, then you can ask her whether she wants to celebrate on the day and save presents for DD2 when she comes home, or postpone the whole celebration for DD2 to join in (I bet she'll choose this).

Can you not drive OP? Or do you have a partner who drives?

I'm the main carer of my DS and me and my exh have taken it in turns to have DS on Christmas day since he was a year old. Such is life when you are separated I'm afraid. It's about compromising.

DS is 5 and will be with his dad this year. I will be doing plenty of Christmassy things with him in the holidays and then he will be back on Boxing Day. He is excited about going to his dad's for Christmas.

Either you each get the christmases which fall on your days, you split each Christmas part way through the day or you do every other year.

Before responding, put these in a palatable order for you. If you pull out ‘my day I get her all day’ they will too which will give you 2 or 3 christmases in a row without her.

It's your day,so I don't think you should send her, plus it ruins your day if you have to drive. No.

Yanbu.
We've never had dsd on Christmas day itself. Her Christmas day with us has always and always will be the 27th. Even now she's grown up.

It doesn't matter what bloody dsy Christmas falls on ffs. It is a holiday and a court will say it has to be alternate. So if she is with you this year she is with Dad next year.

Neither of us drive and we live 1hr away by car. He lives with his parents who both drive and his brother who has his own car and drives. We bus half way to do drop offs/pick ups or he will get a lift half way to save DD three bus journeys often taking around 2hrs.
I have thought about telling him Tuesday is my day with her, but I don't want this to come back and bite me, if one year her birthday falls on a weekend it will mean I won't see her at all. For her birthday we have agreed to split the day, as we did last year.
I know I might need to accept alternate years but the thought of this is so horrible for me and will be for her sister, although I think he will say this is an excuse.
I am more comfortable with splitting the day and assumed it would be the same this year.

Who in the scenario can & cant drive & what distance are we talking ?

Initially after me & hubby parted company, he would come here early doors for when DD woke up (when I say early we're talking 8-9 because I have the only child who never wakes up early on Christmas Day lol). We'd do presents & breakfast then DD & her dad went to see his relatives for a couple of hours. He'd bring her back & he'd go home.

From her being about 8/9, he started staying for Christmas dinner & then goes home early evening. We did try DD having dinner with dad & extended family that side but she didn't like that so we switched to what worked best for her & us.

Tell them no, you split the day or they don’t get to see her.
You’re offering to split the day equally they’re demanding the whole day, you’re not the one being unreasonable here.

Im really not a fan of the whole alternate Christmas Day tbh, especially if it’s being done for the benefit of the non resident parent and not the child.
I was forced to split Christmases as a child because that’s what my dad wanted regardless of my wishes.
So every other Christmas I had to miss out on spending a happy day with my 3 siblings, my mum and step dad who I loved I so much more than my dad and spent the day bored shitless around a bunch of boring adults.

Ask your dd what she wants, if she doesn’t want to go for the day in Christmas without seeing you or her sibling tell them no it’s half a day or nothing. Your daughters wishes should trump your exdp’s to be honest.

Well if you dont drive and they dont want to then it will be alternate years

Well if you dont drive and they dont want to then it will be alternate years

Umm no. They don't want to. They could but they don't want to. That's their choice. The OP doesn't have to do something she is deeply uncomfortable with because they don't want to do something that they easily could.

You can't expect them to do all the driving though every Christmas just because you can't. And I say that as a non driver myself.

I would honestly do year about.

FWIW if I could drive I would take her through. Not much of a drinker and if it meant I got to see her it would be worth it.

Why can’t dad book a taxi to pick up his child?