To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

@HalfBloodPrincess pretty sure OP said she goes halfway on the buses and then her ex meets her halfway. I don't drive and my ex husband does, I still don't expect him to do all the drop offs and pick ups. We share. And unless I've missed it nowhere was it mentioned that OP's ex was the one who moved away?

I think if they don't want to drive, then you need to do alternate Christmas, but no good reason they get her all day this year.

They are the ones asking to change, as you're still happy to split it as you did last year.

I'd suggest offering them the same Split as last year, or alternate years, but you have her all day this year.

Ok so exdp agrees to split Christmas Day and his parents agree to drive.
He also agreed to
Split Christmas last year and birthday leading you to see no reason he wouldn’t stick to this.
At the last min his parents contact you because he hasn’t even got the nerve to tell you himself so he has to get his mummy and daddy to do his dirty work to tell you that
A) They will not be splitting Christmas and
B) They will be demanding the entire day with your dd
I don’t get why people are telling you, it’s up to you to do alternative Christmas Day with your dd or for you to pick another day and just lump it.

He has changed the plans and the goalposts he is the one being awkward and making things difficult, why do you have to be the one making all the compromise.

He’s already getting her Friday Saturday and Sunday before Christmas you get her back Christmas Eve and have to send her off again Christmas Day. How is that even fair.

If he wants to alternate Christmas fine he can start next year it should be you having to give up Christmas this year as you’ve been accommodating. TBH I’d say I’ve always made plans if I were you and you’re not changing them.

Also as a side note if he works in the week and can only have her weekend, when school starts he needs to split weekends with you properly whether he likes it or lumps it. You’re being too soft op and are going to get next to no time with your dd when she starts school as a result of this. She’s going to be away all Friday night all day Saturdays and Saturday night and you’re getting her back Sunday in just enough time to do homework bath and bed. Where exactly is your quality time in all of this?

*shoudlnt be you having to give up Christmas this year

Given the choice between having my DC during the week verses the weekend I would always pick the week.

You can not put a price on seeing them every morning as they get ready for school, the smiles or tears when walking them home from school hearing all the silly little things that happened during the day, carrying the tat craft or pictures they made. Helping them with their homework, cooking them dinner and covering them in bubbles every night, going to the boring plays, talking them to gymnastics watching their performances, visiting their friends, teaching them routine/discipline and actually moulding them into the best human being they can be. That is the person who the child will look to when they need a 'parent'.

You only miss seeing them on Saturday, when you get a day off for yourself. All the so called family 'fun' stuff you can do on the numerous inset days, half terms, winter spring and summer holidays.

A weekend Disney dad gets to have a laugh (possibly) but he essentially misses out on seeing their child growing up and doesn't have a deep and meaningful relationship with his child. Its not that great really.

@HalfBloodPrincess thank you for that; I think that's a good idea as it is him breaking the agreements to suit himself and FWIW was the one who chose to break our family and walk and considering I am fitting everything around his lifestyle already perhaps it isn't so bad to say that this year we will do as planned and can talk about alternating for future years and stick to that.
Also love your name

And @Daffyduckface thank you too. I do feel agreeing to this would be a bit soft and can't really think of a reason it should be his way because he decides so this late in the year.

bugger that = they are changing teh goal posts..if they (gp) wont facilitate that lifts - he needs to sort something out...
seriously teh memory making is for her and her sister...my F who was a twat about most things at least got teh xmas thing (most of the time)... he would come over and deliver his presents (if there were any) on xmas eve ....we would then open his then with him ...dm had xmas day and he came and got us bxing day (if at all)

seriously they can rearrange - he can have xmas with her the weekend befere or have new year if he cant be bothered to at least try a split... its not all about him

although i woudl sort the weekend only thing out as its a real bugger when they are older.....but not this year

you have dd on xmas day as its your day ...

I think it’s sad you see agreeing as “soft”.

Is he the kind of person that would take advantage? Or is he the kind of person who would acknowledge your flexibility and be willing to be flexible in return if you need it.

I hope you didn’t read it as me saying you were soft I didn’t mean it like that that.
I meant sometimes when you’re too nice to exdp’s they see it as weakness not flexibility (From experience) I was so determined not to have a good working relationship for my dd at first I let my ex walk all over me.
Now I’m firmer and stick to arrangements we have made if he wants to chop and change them if I can swap I will if I can’t its his fault for changing the plans at the last minute.
In the past I missed out on doing things with dd to accommodate his constantly changing goal posts for the sake of not rocking the boat.

Was it actually agreed that this year you would split xmas day in two? Or are you just assuming it was agreed because its what you did last xmas?

Its not unreasonable for him to try and agree (or change) whats happening this xmas 2 months in advance. Of course its not unreasonable for you to say you have her this year and him the next. Have you put that to him yet?

What’s wrong with me today * so determined to have a good working relationship not so determined not to have one!

@BitchQueen90 that’s the point. OP is going out of her way to make sure her Dd is getting to see her dad every weekend. She’s doing splitting the journey, splitting birthdays, splitting Christmas which in all fairness she’s doing it in the interests of her child, so she gets her mum and dad on the special days. For him to then say he wants it all is wrong.

There’s so many parents that aren’t willing to compromise, and it looks like the OP is trying to find a way so they all ‘win’, for want of a better word, but that’s not good enough for some.

I feel as if it's soft of me because I do everything to accommodate him and he never does the same for me. Similar to @Daffyduckface I try to keep the peace for DD's sake, he has an explosive temper so 9 times out of 10 disagreeing really isn't worth it. And yes he takes advantage and regularly changes things to suit himself and his mother. I think considering DD1s father was such a waste of space, I have pretty low standards.
And we agreed last year the split day worked well and we would do this until both of them where older. I assumed he had agreed this with his parents before committing.

@HalfBloodPrincess it's not going out of her way. It's fair. One parent should not have to do all the travelling, it should be shared. As I said, I am a non driver and my ex husband drives but I don't resent having to take DS sometimes on public transport to see his father. I don't see it as going out of my way, it's called co parenting and it's nobody else's problem that I don't drive.

I do actually think that OP's ex is BU about this particular year but from the way the OP described it she wants to continue to do split days every year but wants her ex's parents to do all the driving to make that happen which isn't fair.

You should have her Christmas Day one year and him the other if you don't want to split the day. That's pretty normal.

I think personally you are slightly but please hear me out. I compleletny understand and feel exactly the same as you do with regards to wanting them at their main however, however I see it the other side that my sons dad doesn't make the effort to have him Christmas Day or even try and book it off work and every year he asks if he is seeing daddy Christmas Day. I would love for my ex husband to ask to have him and to share the day, even if it is alternating ea h year. I then see how my partner wants his kids Christmas Day this year and asked to be told no because their main home is with their mum and he is hurt.

So I think if he is a dad who's trying see if you can compromise a bit. You guys could do Christmas a day early or late for both kids ?

Some of the replies on here about putting stop to every weekend, just totally shock me.

You want to stop a child from seeing her dad just because the mother lives with the child mon-fri and heaven forbid he should do fun stuff or enjoy time with his child.

When adults separate with kids involved, one adult usually bears the brunt of the mundane life. It's shit, but it's just the way of the world. To then deny a father time with his child because you don't like the thought of them being a 'Disney Dad' is just pure and utter bullshit.

I am a step parent and my son has his father also.
For what it's worth, my son can see his dad whenever he likes, because it's his father, and he has the right to do so. Xmas, we alternate. Now he is 11, we do extended alternation so he has a longer period with his respective parent. That's what he wanted and it works well.

In stark contrast, my SS's mother has decreed that every single bday and Xmas must be spent with her, no exceptions, and tough shit what anyone else, including SS, may want.

Every year it is not 'my' Xmas with my eldest, I am absolutely devastated. But, it's not about me. I'm pretty sure his dad is equally as gutted when it's my turn, and also misses his son terribly and wants to open presents with him on Xmas morning too.

@agirlhasnonameX but the thing is OP, regardless of all of this, if you alternate Christmas there STILL has to be a pick up / drop of on Christmas Day, he has her Christmas eve Christmas Day and you get her back Christmas night and have her Boxing Day....: that's how it works isn't it ??? So no matter what he would still have to find a way to travel

if you alternate Christmas there STILL has to be a pick up / drop of on Christmas Day, he has her Christmas eve Christmas Day and you get her back Christmas night and have her Boxing Day....: that's how it works isn't it ???

We do Xmas Eve to the 27th, then 27th to 30th and then back to normal schedule, alternated each year.

Our court order for DDs 11 and 9 states they live with me and have contact with dad EOW, one teatime after school mid week, half the holidays. Pretty standard stuff. Christmas Day is split and Christmas Eve and Boxing Day is alternated. So for example he has them from early on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day afternoon then I have the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Next time it's the reverse. Ex lives half an hour away but probably 20 mins on Christmas Day. I have a 3 year old too and I HATE that I now don't have my girls all day. This isn't how things were supposed to be and I don't like sharing. However it's what's fair for everyone. I don't drive so ex has to collect and return them. I am learning to drive but even once I can, I probably won't be able to afford a car. If I could I wouldn't travel to his anyway as he is very abusive and lives with his gf who threatened to stab me. Nice. So he will continue to come here to collect and stand away from the house as I won't have him anywhere near me. I think you are being more than reasonable and think you should get better day to day contact sorted. It's not fair to anyone that you have Monday to Friday and he has every weekend. When do you get to do fun stuff as a family? What happens when dd starts nursery/school? And why is he living with his parents and brother? How old is he??

@bitchqueen90 it is going out of her way. She’s spending hours of her free time facilitating contact for her daughter. There’s a difference between equal and fair.

In my case my exh decided to move 250 miles away and still expected me to do half the pick up/drop offs (he collected then I picked up) The cost of facilitating that alone would be equal to the paltry amount he pays in child maintenance each week. How is that fair? Luckily the judge made it clear that he was to do all the travelling, as he was the one who caused the problem by moving away. That’s fair.
Now the dc are teens they take the train, which he pays for. That’s fair.

We did alternate christmasses for 9 years until the dc decided they wanted to stay with me for Xmas day and go to his for New Years (he has a big party) so that’s what we do now.

@PerverseConverse I'm really sorry to hear that, awful circumstances for you and if I where you I'd have the added stress of worrying about my child's safety.
He is 29 and honestly I think he stays with his parents as it's convenient to have live in babysitters, his parents are more than happy to be so 🤷🏻‍♀️
@HalfBloodPrincess it's interesting that a court ruled your ex should travel as he is the one who left and in some circumstances I can see how this is entirely fair. DDs dad had an affair when she was 7wks old because I couldn't and didn't want to have sex. I stayed with him thinking I'd make it work until DD was grown up. However I had a lot of issues with trust after this and he decided it wasn't worth his while so left. So seeing as the split was entirely his fault, probably likely a court would say the same about our situation.

And also, it's not just me meeting him in the middle, it's DD1 too who has to trail about on these journeys with us.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the gp's to drive for two hours in the middle of Christmas Day but I do think it's unreasonable of them to say just weeks before that they expect to have her all day. As they are changing the game they should be first to go without.

Long term though it's most practical and fair to share. Personally the best part is xmas eve and morning so getting an afternoon on the day I wouldn't want if I'm honest. I would rather full days together.