To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

And I'd also personally see about court ordered. I don't agree with every weekend and all the 'fun' time being with one parent. You should be entitled to some weekend and not juts the school stuff.

I think you need to alter the care patterns sharpish, because if they become ever more set it'll be hard to change later. As it stands, you'll end up doing all the miserable grunt work of parenting and never have the fun of weekends. There's a reason the standard patterns are either alternate weeks, or every other weekend and one midweek overnight. I'd start offering him the latter, saying that you want some weekends with her as well.

I think your dd should be with you on christmas day. My step daughter when very little always had Christmas day with her mum then came to us boxing day, it was great because she got two xmases! Now she's a teen she sleeps at ours Christmas eve then goes home at lunchtime on Xmas day, that way she gets to share the excitement of Xmas with her young siblings and they open their presents together, then she still gets to be with her mum for the rest of the day.

But a court will rule alternate Christmas. If a NRP has one night a week and eow they would be lucky to see their child more than 4 times for Christmas. I daresay holidays will be looked at differently as well with him.being allowed a full week or two in the summer to take her away.

“more favourable than spending the day in a house full of adults drinking themselves to oblivion.”

That’s a scary thought for a 3 year old to be surrounded by at Christmas!

Can you speak to him away from his parents? Explain as pp say if you can’t split the day it will mean alternating years, so does he want that? Maybe split the cost of the taxi?
I can see that a 2hr round trip for anyone on Xmas day is a bit of a mission. If you could both find another relative to meet half way that would be more manageable.
Also make sure that if he is determined to have her all day, he cannot next year decide he can afford that taxi after all, leaving you with sharing on your year, and him keeping her on his. Tell him what you agree now is the agreement until she is old enough to decide.

This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.

Incidentally, if you're happy to split but they're not willing to do the drive, why are they then saying that that means they get to have her all day? And where is their concern for what makes for a better Christmas for her? And why is her grandmother, and not her father, making that choice?

A lot of people like to have a drink at Christmas. They are her relatives, so long as they aren't all drunk then I see no problem with her being surround by adults. Given that they are her family.
I think if you can't split the day then you should start alternative Christmases, it's only fair that she gets Christmas memories with both parents. This is standard with most of my friends growing up and a lot of people I know with children. Yes it sucks, but it is what it is. Your dh would like her as would you. You are both her parents.

Would a court insist on alternating Christmas when a child is only three years old and has a sibling at home? I find that hard to believe.

Her grandparents have no rights. It doesn't matter what they want.

Maybe say that if they want to drive over to watch her open her presents, they'd be welcome. If they really want to see her, they'll do that.

Growing up for me this was the normal arrangement - DM and DF alternated Christmases although DM was the main carer. Even as a v young child that felt fair to me. I'm glad neither parent ever asked me which I preferred - they both would've got the answer that they wanted to hear as I would've been afraid of upsetting them.

Her dad should get to spend every other Xmas with his daughter. He probably has no option to be the resident carer, most courts always award it to the mother. His parents shouldn't be expected to drive every year. If you and he can't arrange a shared Xmas day between yourselves because you both don't drive then it makes sense to alternate. Make it so one year one parent has the birthday and the following year Xmas perhaps? Xmas is just a day. Make it even more special by making Boxing Day or Xmas eve a special day too, so nobody feels like they've missed out. Millions of families work round this..

If you can drive, would it be possible to hire a car for a couple of days?

Yes @Hollowtalk they would. And it isnt up to the grandparents its up to mum and dad to arrange the transportation. As neither of them drive it makes sense the collect child on xmas eve and return boxing day morning when public transport is available

Its normal to have a different contact routine during the holidays than you have the rest of the year. Given you can't easily travel to split the day its perfectly normal and fair to alternate who has contact on xmas day.

You might not like it but if you start insisting you have more 'rights' than the other parent, then don't be surprised if the other parent turns nasty and you end up in court.

I can understand why they don't want to split Christmas. I think every other weekend and alternating Christmas is fairer. You don't have to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, you could always celebrate on another day so she can open presents with her sister.

Not about parents or gp being entitled. About welfare of the child.
Split day is quite good for little children, alternate works better for school age. Xmas eve is a big deal in some places, or a second Xmas on Boxing Day is ok if everyone agrees.
It's horrible how everyone wants to own children and watching them with their presents. Talk to your ex, leave his parents out of it.
Travelling Xmas eve will be a nightmare, Boxing Day more reasonable.
Plan early next year, be flexible but don't get shafted

He has her every weekend?

This is the ongoing thing that id be more concerned about. That is shit for you ok.and will become harder as she gets older. I'd start to plan some changes to this.

I would also put an end to ex having DD every weekend.

Make it alternate Christmases, when it's not our turn have your Christmas Day when she's back with you.

Could you bare to invite your ex to travel to you on Christmas Eve, stay overnight and spend the day with you and the children? Could you bare to invite his parents to visit for the afternoon and take your ex back with them? ( I know you say they don't want to drive but they might make an exception in order to see their GC and take their son home.
Contact should be to meet the child's needs. Mine wouldn't have dreamed of leaving their home on Christmas day, the ex came to us and left early evening. It meant the children got the day they wanted, as did the ex and I bit my tongue and drank lots of wine!

I can understand people not wanting to drive for 2 hours on Xmas day..you want to relax and have a drink..I think she's too little to be away from mum at Xmas at the moment.so let them gave her Boxing Day...then in a few years you need to alternate it

Once she starts nursery, every other weekend I see the fair arrangement, so you get to śpend some of the days off with her too.

Wow ,I missed the every weekend..
Wtf..why are you allowing every weekend...you won't see her when she starts school ,that needs nipping in the bud asap

Are the adults just going to get pissed? Is that why the gps don’t want to drive? If they are I’d be telling the, no for this reason.

However older dd is 11 so old enough to be ok with pretending Santa came on a different day. Your dd will be almost 4 next year. That will be the first big Christmas, where she really gets the concept of Santa.

Take this as an opportunity to do a complete review of his days. So for example every other weekend from Christmas onwards. Get everything in writing.

OP, alternate Xmas is usual, along with EOW access and a night midweek. I'd stop your DD going every weekend now, so that you also have time to have fun with your DD. Court would agree with that.