To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

His work patterns are not the other parent's problem. They are his problem, and like all other working parents, a judge would say that he'd have to pull his finger out and solve that for himself like a big boy, not expect his ex to dance to his tune. As it is, he's treating you like the unpaid weekday nanny, while he and his parents enjoy all the quality weekend time. And if you don't put a stop to that soon, you'll end up with that being such an established pattern you would struggle to get it altered, as they like kids to have stability. Don't ask: tell. You want every other weekend so you can also have quality time and not all the grunt work - does he want a midweek overnight to compensate? That's the only point you are willing to discuss. He does not get to call all the shots.

Why is he only giving you £10 a week?!

I do think every other Christmas/birthday etc is fair, though. I'd be looking at having a European Christmas eve with a special meal and presents opened that afternoon, and then her collected that evening.

Absolutely agree that you can't ask small children what they want to do. It puts a horrible burden on them, and means they feel they're letting one parent down whatever they decide. Awful on them. It's up to parents to decide what is in that child's best interests, IMO, but in an honest way. Usually, I think a good relationship with both parents and extended families is the best aim, with varying routes to get there.

Do parental rights trump the happiness of the child? And it's parental responsibility.

Please remember that access and maintenance are completely separate issues.

^ This

@PhilomenaButterfly nowhere on the thread has the OP said her child is unhappy. Why are you projecting?

I wasn't. I was saying SINBU.

£40 fucking pounds a month?!
And he works full time and lives with his parents, so costs are low?!

What a shit dad he is. Absolute shit.

.HE chose to move far enough away that makes it harder for him to see his own daughter, not you
There is no proof of that so far on this thread. I imagine they split up, op stayed in the property and he was forced to move in with his parents. A court will not consider that as him choosing to move away from his daughter.

Of course a court will consider his work pattern. They currently have a schedule of him seeing his DD 2 nights a week. Its not going to be that easy to convince a court to half that. And the idea that weekdays are not considered 'quality' time with your child is fantasy.

I have no idea what he earns, I accepted the amount he offered, although have told him when it comes to school there will be costs for various things and I will need help with this. Whole different subject though I know.
He slept with someone when DD was 7wks old and then he chose to move away, I have mentioned that on this thread. By no means was he forced, he chose to put his dick before his family and then to remove himself from our lives completely.
I think pp point is that when DD goes to school 6hours a day I will not have a lot of time with her, will never have free days to enjoy with both my DCs and he will have the 'fun parts' whilst I cope with all the serious things.

£40 a month, while he lives with his parents and pays no childcare costs (and probably low rent if anything)? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He gets all the fun and none of the responsibility and grind. That needs to stop now. And he needn't moan about his job stopping him. Plenty of us have to deal with keeping a job and being a parent and so does he.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but is there any way it can be changed so he has every other weekend, not every weekend? Every other weekend is standard, you and her sister need free time with her too.

I think I would be saying that this year you are keeping her for the whole of Christmas day and her dad can have her boxing day. If his parents help with transport its easier for them to pick her up for a whole day rather than there and back in half a day. It doesn't have to be set in stone for all time. Just make sure you say those important words ..this year. It's a long time until next year and a lot can change, you can think about next year at a later date.

He slept with someone when DD was 7wks old and then he chose to move away The relationship broke down, the reasons are legally irrelevant. He could hardly stay in the property, so in terms of seeing his daughter it wasn't a 'choice' to move away.

when DD goes to school 6 hours a day I will not have a lot of time with her I agree but in terms of contact a court doesn't value weekends above weekdays. A weekday is as valuable to a daughter in terms of quality and its only the DD that matters.

Many of us know all to well the hell and unfairness that is unleashed when you go to family court. Do everything you can to avoid it.

@Walkingdeadfangirl I have explained down thread that I stayed with him regardless of this but that ultimately it was him that chose to move. I did not ask, or tell him to leave. I did not want another broken family and was prepared to try and work at it despite his unfaithfulness....
Six hours a day out the house, homework, fights to go in the bath, preparing lunches, ironing school clothes and early nights and mornings are not my idea of quality time.
Most pp in this situation have said court has awarded EOW so I don't see why I would be an exception.
And yes, I am saving him childcare costs whilst he is able to work full time and pays no rent/mortgage or bills.
Thank you all for your posts, has opened my eyes a little and will definitely be reevaluating this situation x

agirlhasnonameX I completely agree with you, he was a shit and is an awful person. I am only trying to point out the legal reality. If he felt the relationship was over a court is not going to see moving out of the family home as a 'choice'. So its not really relevant.

I also agree with weekdays not having the same 'quality' time as weekends. But having been through the court system the Judge I had saw weekdays as more important for the child's needs than weekends. And it was all about what was important for the child.

EOW does seem to be the legal 'norm', but for most ex's that is an increase in time they get to spend with their DC. In this case it would be a decrease and I am not so sure it would be granted entirely. You currently have a working arrangement and I am not sure a Judge would halve the amount of time a parent gets to see their child without very serious reasons.

Think about it like this, would you be happy having your time with DD halved and accepting that it is best for the child because it makes one parent happier?

I am not saying to accept what he says, but you are getting emotional responses on here, you need some advise based on legal reality.

OP I think Walking came across a difficult judge and I don't agree that EOW wouldn't be granted. When she starts nursery, and school in particular, DDs time with you will be cut drastically and that's your argument for having more quality time with her at the weekend. I cannot imagine a RP not being awarded any weekend contact.

EoW from now on, plus proper maintenance. THEN, and only then, should you be having any discussion about Xmas.

Children aren't pay per view. Two seperate issues and court wouldn't take kindly to witholding contact on that basis.

I did not ask, or tell him to leave. I did not want another broken family and was prepared to try and work at it despite his unfaithfulness

It has no bearing on arrangements for your DD.

Doyoumind Maybe it was a difficult Judge. However it was several Judges over several years so probably typical/normal/average.

Most people think family court is about common sense, what they think is best for their children. It is very very different.

Why do his parents get a vote?????

OMG! He pays practically NO child support. Why are you allowing him to dictate all the terms of visitation and support?

A weekday is as valuable to a daughter in terms of quality and its only the DD that matters

I'm not talking about what a judge would say, but I think that a parent benefits greatly from being able to spend fun time with their child and that, in turn, deepens the bond between parent and child.

Standard contact is every weekend and a Wednesday evening if appropriate which it wouldn't be in your case.

You also need to make an application to CMS and see what maintenance you would be entitled to. It won't be much but it should be more than £40pcm (pathetic offering). There is a calculator online if you know roughly how much he earns.

I think I see what you mean @Walkingdeadfangirl the whole who left thing though was about travel, not contact, a few people said that because their ex left them and their home and DC that they where told they would need to do the travelling to pick up their DCs.
Although I do think with regards to EOW that my time with her is also going to be cut when she goes to school? I will never have a full day with her apart from holidays, so one parent missing out on valuable time and the other keeping theirs is still going to happen, only it will happen to me instead? And will a court not take into consideration my other DD or will that be irrelevant?
If it was best for DD to be at her dads or spend most her time there that's where she would be, and I know I'm bias but I assure you she is not.
Don't you need to go through court to have official CMS though?