To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

The SDCs were too young to be asked, but in our case a court decided xmases should be alternate.

Do people really only think the NRP gets to see child if Xmas falls on their contact day. And that is fair. It isnt.

And Birthdays - no swapping of days/splitting of days occurs on the SDCs birthdays. Because it’s their day, not the parents iyswim. However, swapping does happen on the parents birthdays.

YABU to try to pull “Main career” - he has her Fri-Sun every week, and in any case Main carer isn’t necessarily what’s best for her.

Think long term, and discuss that.

I haven’t had Xmas dinner with my daughter in 5 years. Local family on her dad’s side but not mine means I think she gets memories of family celebrations there. We don’t alternate. But I get here waking up here every year. Compromise is that I drop her over at 10am so that her stepsister isn’t kept waiting long for presents. I choose to make a big deal of Xmas Eve, instead.

She’s going to love Xmas even more at 4 than 3, and be more aware... so if you are alternating, it might not be so bad giving up this one!

I wouldn't use the fact that it's your contact day against him as he will then use it when xmas is at the weekend.

Why can't they see her Boxing Day if the father won't organise transport xmas day? Buses will be running then.

In this situation, I would make it a priority to learn to drive. Have you got a family member who could help?
It's a bad situation and a bit mean of her grandparents if I'm honest.
If they aren't willing then she should spend the whole day with you

You can’t live apart and get to have all the holidays. Medical reasons aside, both of you need to learn to drive - your dd will be needing ferrying between the two of you for years to come, why should this be done on buses or in someone else’s car.

Yes she is coming up three. If I asked her she would say she wants to stay with me, she says this every weekend she goes to see her dad, but I don't think at 3 they really understand or have adequate thought process to be able to answer a question like this and I don't want to confuse things by asking her tbh.
I don't drive because I can't afford a car.
I didn't know what to say to him, I haven't said anything along the lines of "it's my day." I did suggest we both taxi it half way but he said he couldn't afford this. (He works full time and has no other kids so if anything it's me who would struggle to afford).
I think GP's are relevant as I'm pretty sure this is all coming from them. I don't expect them to drive tbh, more that I don't think it's fair to suddenly change our previous arrangements and felt as though the way it was said was more of a demand than up for any kind of compromise.
DD1 has just turned 11 and although huge age gap the two are best of buds.
Sorry to drip feed I'm useless at summarising.

Is the split court ordered? Because one thing that strikes me is that you get Monday to Friday - early bedtimes for school, making the packed lunches, etc., in other words all the hard work. And he gets every weekend - the time to do the fun stuff with his daughter. The stuff you're now missing out on.

Every other weekend and a weeknight during the week is a much more usual arrangement. Why does he get to cherry-pick all the fun bits of parenting and you get all the grunt work?

I would have a go at appealing to your ex - "Is there any way that you could persuade your parents to let me see my dd at Christmas? I know that we agreed that you could see her this year, but . . . "

However, if they refuse to drive then I would start a tradition of having a great Christmas Eve, with a special Christmas Eve box to open, a special lunch with her sister perhaps an outing too. Ice skating and hot chocolate? Cinema? And then have a great Boxing Day too. Could you/her sister save some of your presents under your tree to open on Boxing Day, so that you wake up and have a whole other Christmas too. (All partly depending on whether/how she will be travelling on Christmas eve/Boxing Day back to you. Are her grandparents bringing her home on Christmas night, so that she can wake up in your house?)

It sounds like last year was your first year after separation. You split the day and the grandparents picked her up so that she had the rest/most of the day with them and her dad, so that worked in their favour. This year when you would have expected the reverse they're changing the plan so that they see her all day.

Your options are -

Pay for a taxi this year for you to pick her up and have her for the afternoon, then do alternate whole Christmas days in future.

Pay for a taxi this year for you to pick her up, do every Christmas as a split day knowing that every other year the expense of getting her to yours will fall to you.

Let it go for this year with something very firmly in place that says you will have her all day next year.

A court would award alternate christmasses in this scenario as neither of you has independent means of transport and there is no public transport Christmas Day. So decide whether you want this year or next. It's not reasonable to ask the GPs to do a two hour round trip every Christmas Day. Alternate Christmas and boxing Day or Christmas day and new year. Her father has the right to see her at Christmas too, the day of the week it falls on is irrelevant

As someone whose DD (5) will be with her dad from 22-29th Dec I think YABU. Christmas is just a day, you can recreate it any other day. We do alternate Christmas weeks because it's a 4 hour drive each way and he only sees her in school holidays. Wouldn't your other daughter enjoy 2 Christmas days with 2 lots of presents too?

I would say no

Your DD will be spending Christmas morning at home with you and her sister.

They are welcome to come and collect her in the afternoon if they want to see her on Christmas Day. But no, they are not having her for the whole day.

So on 'your' days- you'll be happy to continue 50/50 of the day? It's only sad for you- as long as she is with people who love her, and make a big fuss of her- she's happy. It's your own sadness at the situation your projecting.

When agreeing what happens this Christmas it's probably worth getting something in writing for future Christmases. If you are going to alternate then he needs to properly sign up to it so he/ grandparents won't try pulling anything next year. Alternatively stick to your guns, your agreed day, if they can't sort transportshe stays with you.

Last year my youngest split Christmas Day with me and his dad (my ex). It was rushed and too busy for my son who was then 2, so this year we have agreed that we will have alternate Christmases going forward, so this year (he’s now 3) he will go to his dads on Christmas Eve at teatime and will have Christmas Day there, back Boxing Day probably. Next year I will have him here for that time.

I will be doing Christmas Day on the 23rd so that we have a full “Christmas day” together before the actual day. No it’s not ideal but not a lot is when you have to split a child’s time with parents! I’d rather he had a lovely day wherever he is, yes I will hate not seeing him but he won’t know the difference and as pp said next year when he is 4 he will really know what is going on and he will be here with me.

You do have to try and think long term, and it’s what is best for the child. Not always easy though I know.

No court order. He works mon-Friday.
Tbh I do resent the fact that I'm stuck with all the hard, boring bits and he gets the fun weekends (or I will when she starts nursery in January).
If she goes to his for Christmas this year they won't be bringing her back at night, but I think Boxing Day would be an option.

I wouldn't. I know people on here say 50:50 is the way to go, but then that applies to everything - money, time, effort, washing clothes, staying in every night etc. I would say, "No, she's having Christmas here. If you want to pick her up on Boxing Day morning that's fine."

So on 'your' days- you'll be happy to continue 50/50 of the day? It's only sad for you- as long as she is with people who love her, and make a big fuss of her- she's happy. It's your own sadness at the situation your projecting.
Yes on my days I am more than happy to split 50/50 for special occasions. And yes it is my sadness, but not only sadness for myself, sadness for my other DD and for the LO, as I really think spending at least some time with her sister is more favourable than spending the day in a house full of adults drinking themselves to oblivion.

What's your arrangement with older DDs dad? Does she also split the day?

@HollowTalk that is sort of my stance on it and why I mentioned being main carer.

Older DDs dad was abusive. No contact.

Sorry- saw the update that it is your day. I'd be clarifying this was the arrangement from now on- alternative years. Because there is no reason why you should miss out anytime next year. If the answer is no to that, then the answer is no to doing it this year.

I split the day with ex dp. He can have them from 3pm and then all day boxing day. This is their home and where they want to wake up on Xmas morning.