To want to see DD 3yo on Christmas Day

[agirlhasnonameX]

By the time Xmas comes she will be 3. I have her all week and her dad has her Fri-Sun.
I have another DD too, who I have all the time.
Last year the LO was with us in the morning, then her grandad drove her dad through to pick her up at 1oclock and he had her the rest of the day. Not ideal for DD to have the long journey after the excitement of the morning, but worked out ok.
This year DD's grandmother has said they won't be driving through, which I understand, but that they want DD to be with them this year.
I know it sounds silly and I know she will have lots of Christmas', but I hate the thought of not seeing her on Christmas, of her not being with her sister, of her Santa toys being under the tree unopened. And I know her dad & grandparents will likely feel the same, but am I wrong to think that because this is her main home, that she has a sister and because I am her main carer that I should be able to say that if we can't find a way to split the day, that I want her to stay with me?

Would a court insist on alternating Christmas when a child is only three years old and has a sibling at home? I find that hard to believe.

Yes they would because she’s entitled to spend Christmas with her Dad too.

OP alternate christmases are the only way to go when neither of you drive.

Her older sister is 11. That is more than old enough to understand why her sister isn’t there, and to enjoy some 1:1 time with you on Xmas Day. She’s old enough for you to involve in discussion about making Xmas work for you too. Does she even believe in Santa? If not, then not a big deal to wait for her sister to come home to open the “Santa” presents. The 2yo is young enough for you to build traditions around your situation - like keeping Santa presents to a minimum and done on Boxing Day.

I can see why you don’t do a day in the week as he’s an hour away and neither of you drive. But I wouldn’t be wasting time over Xmas when the real issue here is he gets all the weekends! Once she’s at school, that’s shit.

Time to sort out a new child arrangements patten. That may be Fri-Mon EOW and only Fri to late Sat the other, so you get one full weekend day with her a fortnight.

Alternate Christmases is a fair way that is not only easy to manage, but also ensures you both get a decent, special day with your child without watching the clock ready for changeover time.

You need to put a stop to the every weekend. Why should you get all the stressful work of Mon-Fri and then none of the fun at weekends? So he gets to play Disney Dad and then he wants her for Christmas too? So you get fuck all fun days then? Eh no. Tell him he can't have her Christmas Day. If he wants, he can celebrate Christmas with her on the 22nd/23rd.

Could she not spend xmas eve/xmas day morning with you, gp & dad pick up and she spends xmas day eve and boxing day morn with them before coming home boxing day. (buses usually start running on boxing day then)

Could be the reason grandparents dont want a half day is so that they can drink on christmas (if they are picking up and dropping off on xmas day they wouldn't be able to do this) - which is fair enough but by splitting in this way they can still drink and you should have more options for getting her home on boxing day.

I think she's too little to be away from mum at Xmas at the moment.

If she's too little for that, then surely she's too little for already spending Friday to Sunday away, the date makes no difference, you can't have it both ways just because you attach a special meaning to an arbitrary date.

Seeing as your ex doesn’t have other children why doesn’t HE do Christmas on a different day? Why should the OP have to swap?

I'd do Christmas before she goes. Tell them both Santa us very good at these things. Do xmas eve on the Saturday and Xmas day on the Sunday. If you have DVD stick those on.

You say your daughters are close but if DD1 is at school and DD2 spends every weekend with her dad, they hardly ever get to spend a whole day together - presumably only during the holidays?

Are you a SAHM or do you work part time? I assume you get time with DD2 during the week or you wouldn't have agreed to her dad having every week.

FWIW I think you should take this as an opportunity to make new arrangements, for regular contact as well as Christmas, birthday and holidays.

And if you're not working atm maybe you could look for work and get driving lessons. Even if you can't afford a car it would still be useful for hiring one in future.

Could you ask your ex to learn to drive?

How many of us remember Christmas day when we are 3? Santa will be delivering presents to your ex's as well, where she spends every weekend already and her sister is at school during the week, So she is in no way missing out.

'Doing' christmas isn't one day, for children its a whole week. Relatives bring presents & visit on several days, we have a xmas dinner with all the trimming on several days, their is crap on TV 24/7. Your DD will be fine.

I think you need to get some arrangements in place that will work when she goes to nursery. If you continue with things as they are, you'll be doing all the hard work and keeping her routine stable during the week while her dad gets the whole weekend for fun stuff and her sister will get very limited time with her too. I would agree to this Christmas with her dad if it meant that you could put a more sensible plan in place for the future.

You have given them the option to have half the day and even OFFERED to pay out of your pocket and taxi half way? NOOO you CANNOT have her all day because you don't want to save the money for the taxi or persuade your parents to pick her up, why should it be your problem ?? And if he wants to start with the 'every other year thing' that's fine, this year I'll have her next year you have her 🤫 and also if I was you I'd change the weekly visits to every other weekend, once your DD is in school you will never spend any time with her!!

I think realistically if it’s not feasible to switch during the day then every other Christmas is the only way to go but not necessarily starting with him. Personally even if switching in the day I think it’s fair to alternate who has Christmas morning as well as dad’s often miss the magic of waking up on Christmas morning and Christmas Eve.

To posters saying she should suggest that her ex learn to drive, why shouldn’t she learn to drive? Or is she going to half the costs of lessons, tests, cars etc? It’s very expensive all to share one day a year!

Alternate xmases are the only way to go. It's rubbish when it's not your turn but is far better than your dd growing to resent you for preventing them from having memories of Xmas with their other parent.

Take turns . Simple ? No but fairest
Who had her
Last year ?
Sucks through

A lot of people like to have a drink at Christmas

Sure, but there's no way that would be the priority over driving to see / pick up my child or grandchild. Very unimpressed with the grandparents here.

I dont believe the OP said they were not willing to drive because they wanted to drink. More they didn't want a 2 hr round trip

The OP actually said she can’t afford to run a car which is why she can’t drive

I'd move to alternate years, one your you have Christmas day, the next year your Ex has Christmas day.
Also what will happen when she starts school?
Will you never get a weekend with your child? your time will only be school drop off and pick up and bedtime. Not at all a fair division.
It should be EOW and one afterschool eveing till bed. So you and her sister get some quality time with her.

I am SAHM, but do some work from home. In the future I would love to learn to drive. At the moment it's not possible and her dad is in a much better financial position than me to buy and run a car.
This is also why I have her all week and he has her at the weekend as he works back shifts, so staying a night a week wouldn't be possible, especially with distance they'd have to travel when she starts school. However I don't think it will be fair myself and it does suck that both the DD's don't get a whole day together. I pick her up at 1 on a Sunday, so we do have time then but school nights aren't the most fun.
I don't expect GPs to drive (although tbh I think if they really wanted to see her they would), but I don't like the demand in a change of our agreement.
I do also feel it would be easier for him and his parents to do Xmas another day as there are no other children in their family, but maybe it is for the best after all.

Oh and there is no way we could all spend it together, admire those that can but his parents wouldn't want to do that any more than he or I would.

Regarding the decision because you have another daughter at Christmas. How would people feel if he goes on to have another child and feels his daughter should then spend every Christmas there? It’s unfortunate but other than being fair and sharing/alternating it could come back to bite you in the future.

I’m a bit at the responses on here.

Op should learn to drive
Op should pay for a taxi
Op should celebrate a different day

What compromises is the father making?

OP has made it clear she facilitates contact by taking her Dd on busses to her dads (which the normal consensus is the parent that moved away should do the travelling)

She’s offered to split the day as per last year but because the dad can’t collect (presumably as no public transport/£££ taxi fare) she should therefore let him have her Dd for the whole day?

Come on!

@agirlhasnonameX I think that for your situation an alternate Christmas at each parents should be the way to go forward in the future but on this occasion I think you should just reiterate to your ex that Dd will be with you for Christmas morning, she will be available for him to collect in the afternoon, but if he is unwilling or unable to do that then HE needs to figure out how/when he can see her over Christmas be it Boxing Day/New Years and sort out the arrangements to make it work. You are being more than reasonable in your request.

My 11yr old has just turned 11 and is still excitable about Xmas. Over the next few years as she gets older this will die down and won't be as much of an issue to me.
If he had another child I would still want to split the day, but I think I'd find it less of a big deal doing alternates.
Feel like I'm being a bit of a pushover just to say he can change arrangements and have her but maybe it would be better for DD in the long run.

Op should celebrate a different day

Why should the father?

What compromises is the father making?

If they alternate Christmases they are BOTH making the same compromise.