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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:

Sowhatifidosnore · 09/11/2018 08:06

Tough one, but if she’s happy and fulfilled where she is, and will do well there leave her alobe

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 09/11/2018 08:09

She might miss out but it would be her decision so no need for you to feel guilty

You have offered her an opportunity but if she has decided it's not for her then you will have to respect her decision

CherryPavlova · 09/11/2018 08:10

Leave her where she is. The results aren’t her results. The cohorts aren’t comparable. It’s entirely possible the results are better at the comprehensive given they take children with SEN and large numbers of disaffected children in with the bright, high achievers. The independent selects on ability, so of course their results look better.
She’s happy, settled, has good friends why would you risk that for no reason.

Deadbudgie · 09/11/2018 08:11

Leave her where she is if that’s where she’s happy. It’s likely the results at the private school are more a reflection of the type of people going there rather than standard of teaching. When it comes to university her results may be viewed more favourably if obtained from a comp than the posh school. Also don’t underestimate the added costs in private school that can add thousands to the cost of fees. If I was you I’d keep her where she was and invest the money you would have paid in fees for her to give her a real leg up in life.

uppi · 09/11/2018 08:14

If she's happy I would leave her. It's very hard to change schools in secondary. I did it and never settled. Really had an impact on my exam results.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 09/11/2018 08:15

Leave her where she is if she is happy there. If she went to the new school would you be able to afford to keep up with the extra curricular activities?

Smallplant · 09/11/2018 08:15

Has she gone to look round the private school again recently? It might help to take her round again to refresh her memory, and so she can look at it through the eyes of "I could move here tomorrow." Also talk to her about how easy it would be to keep in touch with her current group of friends, how you would facilitate lifts etc. I assume there are much better sports opportunities at the private school? Maybe go over that with her.

After that if she still chooses not to change schools, you have to respect her decision. You shouldn't force her at that age. If she is sensible and clever enough to earn the scholarship, she will do well anywhere.

User212787555 · 09/11/2018 08:16

I disagree. As an adult you have the life experience to know what a good opportunity this could be, and how many doors better academic and sporting achievements could have. My parents had the opportunity to send me to a mych better school but were very passive about it and I was scared if the unknown. Looking back it was a total missed opportunity and I wish they’d reassured and encouraged me to go.

Kids will usually opt for what they know. I’d get her to go and look at the facilities and sell the benefits, make sure she 100% understands what a great opportunity she’d be turning down.

hellraising · 09/11/2018 08:16

I'm not sure. She's very young to make that sort of decision for herself, and just because she's happy right now doesn't mean she will be in future, friendships can be extremely fragile at that age. I have a friend who was given this decision, decided to stay where she was and regrets it as an adult.

LIZS · 09/11/2018 08:17

When do you need to decide? Could she go for a taster day?

Dragongirl10 · 09/11/2018 08:19

Has she been for an introduction day Op? Maybe she needs to see what is on offer/that girls and teacgers are friendly etc.......I would let the school know she is apprehensive and ask if she can spend a day there......to give the scholarship and a full bursary they must really want her so l am sure they will oblige.

Also let her know she desn't have to lose her friends, weekends and holidays can be spent with them....

Personally as someone who started with Dcs in a good primary but for various reasons moved to an excellent private prep, I would make the decision to send her, the opportunities are huge, her sport will be supported completely and her grades will likely be much better due to small class sizes...
Good girls only schools (my DD is in Yr 8, having gone through single sex from age 7) really boost self esteem and a very solid sense of self worth, also without boys there is no focus on looking good, or social media during school hours. STEM is also really strong.

The trouble is she probably has preconceptions about it being a private school but ofter there are a huge variety of parents and children from all sorts of backgrounds, some living very frugally to pay fees, some with GP who pay the fees, they won't all be wealthy......in my experience no one is remotely interested in your circumstances .Good luck and well done her!

PretzelPrincess · 09/11/2018 08:20

Children are so adaptable, she will make new friends so very quickly. This is an amazing opportunity for her, I wouldn't even have to think about it.

LetItGoToRuin · 09/11/2018 08:24

Hmm. It’s easy to stick with the status quo so, if she has settled at her current school, of course she would prefer to stay. However, she’s been offered an amazing opportunity. Of course, do consider her wishes, but you are the parent and ultimately it’s your decision.

Do you think the academic and/or sporting credentials of the private school will pretty much guarantee your daughter better opportunities in life? Or do you think your DD is the sort to succeed wherever she is? Do you have any concerns about her current school?

I think if you’re really convinced the private school would be better for her, you should send her there. Most likely, she will settle quickly and love it, and will look back with gratitude for the opportunity you gave her. If she hates it, you may be able to transfer back to the state school. I bet they won’t hold the scholarship place indefinitely.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/11/2018 08:24

As an adult you have the life experience to know what a good opportunity this could be

What rubbish. The OP cannot see into the future, adult or not.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/11/2018 08:24

My parents let me decide where to go to highschool. I wish they had pushed for the grammar!
I just wanted to stay with my friends but would have had a much better education if they had overruled me.

randomsabreuse · 09/11/2018 08:24

Private schools are a lot more supportive of competitions creeping into week days than state schools, which might be relevant...

swingofthings · 09/11/2018 08:25

What are the reasons she wants to stay and the reasons for not considering private schooling. Would you feel she'd be missing out if she doesn't take the place and why?

I consider paying for DD to go private because she was deemed G&T and thought the local very average comp wouldn't challenge her to her level. She was dead against it as she said she liked the fact she was mixed with all type of people, cultures, backgrounds and she liked that a lot. She had it in her head, probably wrongly that the private school would be all posh, stuck up, conservative minded people.

I didn't push her and as it is, her school did recognise her needs and gave her (and other academic kids) the challenge they required. In the end, she performed very well and got three offers to go to med schools which is more than many kids in private school managed. She played sport outside of school so in the end, I'm not totally sure what she'd had benefited from going private that she missed out on.

TynesideBlonde · 09/11/2018 08:28

I turned down the same opportunity at the same age. I regret it hugely. I still did very well results wise but I know that I would have been more confident and had far more opportunities/ experiences/ contacts had I gone to the private school.

QuietContraryMary · 09/11/2018 08:30

"We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty."

Private schools usually far better for sport. How is the current school?

Littlecaf · 09/11/2018 08:31

I think children learn best when they are happy. If she’s not happy, she’s unlikely to do as well.

MakeAHouseAHome · 09/11/2018 08:31

Honestly, tough love perspective here from me. I would make her go. She will make new friends easily, and I personally believe the opportunities at private school (academic and otherwise) are leaps and bounds ahead. For her future, I would send her regardless of her current reservations.

Weenurse · 09/11/2018 08:34

I moved schools half way through high school and everyone had already settled into friendship groups. I never fit in and have no friends from high school in my life.
If she is happy, I would leave her there.

QuietContraryMary · 09/11/2018 08:35

"It’s entirely possible the results are better at the comprehensive given they take children with SEN and large numbers of disaffected children in with the bright, high achievers. The independent selects on ability, so of course their results look better. "

I think in general this is not true. Private schools have more money, and IME the top private schools with possibly one or two (total) exceptions in the whole country are less selective than the top super-selective grammar schools, but get better results.

Also there may be higher expectations. Private schools are compared on A/A percentage, not C-A percentage.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 09/11/2018 08:37

What rubbish. The OP cannot see into the future, adult or not.

No, but she can look at the bigger picture, that rightly or wrongly, privately educated people, on average, have better life chances than state educated. She can look at the overall results and achievements of the two schools, without feeling she is abandoning her friends. She may not be able to predict her individual child's outcome, but she can use the available data to form a more objective view on the odds of success.

Racecardriver · 09/11/2018 08:38

Why doesn’t she want to go? If she has a fear of ‘posh’ then she realy does need to go. Inverse snobbery isn’t nice nor is issuing out on opportunity especially because of a complex. If it’s about leaving her friends, well she will have to leave the eventually, if they are really her friends they will stay in touch. If it is because she is really thriving at her current school and it is meeting all of needs and will offer her more that the new school then that would be a reason to keep her there.

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