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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:
goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:11

Tatiana ours is an area where everyone knows everyone and with as many DC as I have (which is extremely rare) and having been local for as long as I've been local (also rare these days), I have an unusually wide network. I stress the word unusual, because you clearly don't get it.

The DD is highly, highly likely to lose touch with her current friends.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 11:15

I didn't lose touch with my state friends. And i moved miles away & then never went back to the area because my folks moved.

Anecdotes are great to offer perspective, but trying to suggest that other people are wrong because their experiences are different is rather arrogant

Loopytiles · 09/11/2018 11:15

I was in this position at age 11, my parents let me choose and I remained at my comp, overall this worked out well, had a very good time socially and got top grades. but lessons were constantly disrupted by poor behaviour, choice of gcse and A level subjects was more limited by options not being available or poor teaching (eg science was poor, combined gcses) and there were zero extra curriculars, literally nothing.

I would insist on her having another look around the private school.

Would also sit her down and look at the subject options, exam results, uni entry rates, extracurricular clubs etc at both schools. Perhaps arrange for her to talk to academically successful older DC (sixth formers) at her current school about how they find it. Then reflect.

Loopytiles · 09/11/2018 11:17

But if her comp gets halfway decent exam results would probably let her decide. Mine got around 40% of pupils getting 5 gcses at the time, which wasn’t great, but did have strong cohorts getting good grades and teaching overall was v good.

bigarse1 · 09/11/2018 11:20

my daughter won a full scholarship to a private school. educationally wise it was brilliant. socially and emotionally we regret having done it

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:24

Pissedoffdotcom it's Tatiana who seems to think her experience represents an exclusive truth.

I would say that not losing touch when you move miles away is a very different situation from remaining exactly where you are and hoping that things will stay as they are with the current friendship group. You may be invited to an occasional party in the latter situation but you almost certainly won't remain part of the crowd. That's the sort of bond which will be broken, and which matters. 'Staying in touch' is quite a different thing.

blackeyes72 · 09/11/2018 11:24

I have bursary/scholarship kids (a mix) here too.
We had so many agonising discussions about this, and many years down the line are still not sure whether we have/have not done the right things but here are some points to consider.

We are a working class family, which means working both long hours and have no family connections, friend connections in the business, medical world etc...our education level is good but we don't have the advantage of being able to have a parent at home to nurture additional learning, etc...so this is another disadvantage for people like us.

Private schooling enabled our children to mix in an environment very different to their immediate family and friends, as well as offer extracurricular and other opportunities as part of their school day.
It also meant much stricter/pushy teachers/standards which we would not have been able to enforce at home.

Our children were transformed going from good state primary to private, but then I know many middle class families with connections, money and plenty of time who have the same going to standard state schools. Of course for them it doesn't make that much of a difference.

As for the thirst for learning, I don't think you can buy that or nurture it really. I think that is down to x factors that can be found in either sector and also include the child just being that way inclined. I didn't mind the spoon feeding received at school as in the state sector I found much drilling and spoon feeding was being done at home by the resident parents and/or tutors, so not much difference there.

Of course some children will be naturally brilliant, self motivated and super bright, but most children in reality will be just average or just below and above, and this is where input either at school or at home can make a huge difference.

Orchiddingme · 09/11/2018 11:25

The only thing that might sway me here is the opportunity to do more sports in school time and at a convenient location (if the private school is nearer).

A bright self-motivated child who has a good friendship group and feels valued and purposive- I would love for mine to be this sorted at secondary and I wouldn't give that up. But the opportunity to do a lot of sport for her could be amazing.

I'd visit again and see what she thinks after that.

ILoveAutum · 09/11/2018 11:26

It's not a day school although dd would be day

What ratio of pupils are day pupils?

One of the things that stands out is that you’re afraid her friends will think she’s a snob and drop her. Are you sure you don’t mean your friends? Kids don’t generally fall out over which school their parents ‘make’ them go to, and if they did...they’re not going to be good long term friends anyway, so I’d happily move her away from them.

Why not start a new thread asking about the school itself (you can always name change for it if you want to).

Prettyvase · 09/11/2018 11:29

Apart from parents who just think academically and socially their child will do better: Independent schools are a godsend for those who are friendless; for those who are considered a bit 'odd' or quirky in their peer group; for those who have poor social skills; for those children whose parents want to push their academic/sporting/musical ability; for those children who dodn't have self motivation and/or are easily led and for those whose catchment school doesn't support their child's needs.

Chocolateandcarbs · 09/11/2018 11:30

Could she do a taster day at the private school?

RedSkyLastNight · 09/11/2018 11:39

Moving to a private school at the end of primary (as in Tatiana's example is entirely different from starting off at a state secondary and moving part way up the school. This says "I am moving schools because I don't think this one is good enough and the other one is better". And that would be the reason that OP's DD moved. And it makes it pretty hard to retain friends unless you can come up with another justification such as "I'm being bullied at current school" (or possibly in this case, "I really didn't want to move but my parents made me")

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 11:40

goodbyestranger repeatedly telling somebody they are wrong for having different experiences is arrogant. You can only speak for a small number of people in a situation like this. I'm not naive enough to think that my situation is the norm, nor that is is unusual. It was MY experience. But please don't make out that other people are wrong because theirs is different to yours.

MrsWombat · 09/11/2018 11:41

I would say it was her final decision, but I wouldn't let it slide until you've done a bit more persuading.

I think you need to contact the school, and explain the situation, (she's having a wobble) and ask for another tour or taster day. Ask that the bursary and sporty kids to show her around so you both can chat to them. Then hope it works!

Loopytiles · 09/11/2018 11:43

Ratio of day pupils to boarders matters.

DD’s existing friendships would be likely to change a lot and may be lost: if it’s mainly boarders at the private school she could find it harder to make new friends than in a school with mainly day pupils.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 11:46

I definitely agree that ratio of boarders to day matters hugely. I was a full boarder, this influenced a LOT tbh. Even the difference between day/weekly and weekly/full boarders is huge imo

howabout · 09/11/2018 11:49

If the private school want her that much then they will still want her in a year or 2 if she falls out of love with her current school. Also upwards of a third of private 6th forms are external intake so there is a further opportunity to reassess then.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:49

Pissedoffdotcom it was Tatiana who told me I was wrong initially, so these comments are better addressed to him/ her! She was wrong that I was extrapolating from a couple of kids - really quite wrong. A bit bossy too but hey.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:55

Pissedoffdotcom I've read back. I think you've mistaken what was said. Tatiana said what I said was bullshit, I said in response s/he was wrong, it's not bullshit. So yes, possibly going for the wrong person there.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:55

Not very important though!

Theknacktoflying · 09/11/2018 11:56

I really hope that you include your daughter in the decision.

Asking a forum for opinions especially on something as divisive as private/govt schools is a folly - everyone has some quite strident opinions and prejudice ...

You know the schools in your area and what your daughter needs. Put her where she needs to be and listen to her.

Plessis · 09/11/2018 11:58

Yes I realise everyone has their own opinions and its a divisive subject. We don't have to decide until Easter. I think there's two taster day type things and a new girls tea thing before then.

OP posts:
Theknacktoflying · 09/11/2018 12:00

Also - if it is a sports scholarship then perhaps there will be pressure to always play and be sporty ... the local private schools have good sports facilities but local clubs are full of the private school children who are good, but just not good enough to make the team ..

Davespecifico · 09/11/2018 12:03

Having read your pros and cons, I would want to move her for long term benefit. You would not believe how much time out of each lesson gets used up by discipline if there are naughty children in the class.
My DD goes to an academic sporty private school and noone there is posh. There are so many opportunities there for those who want to take them.
I agree with your idea of taster day. Go for it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 12:03

goodbyestranger apologies if i have read it wrong. It grates on me massively when experiences get shut down.

OP the taster days etc are perfect because she can speak to students about their experiences a bit more freely. Speaking to students whilst staff or parents loiter isn't always telling