Dd doesn't want to go to private school

[Plessis]

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP, I don't think it's a decision for a child and you can see the big picture. Kids essentially hate and abominate change, but once she's enrolled in a new school, she'll probably very quickly adapt. As pp have asked, can you take her for a visit to the private school?

You want your DD to have the best education possible, and you've gone through all the scholarship/bursary applications and got her a place. Unless her present school is a fantastic state school, I would jump at the offer you have.

My parents did this. To be fair I was happy at private school and I excelled academically.
However I got pushed into a career I hate as it was the 'done thing'

You're the adult, you should be making the decision, not her

Ask dd to make a list of pros and cons to encourage her to see there may be positives to moving and also to show you what exactly her decision is being made.
FWIW my parents forced me to the all girls ‘excellent’ one of the top schools in country etc and I absolutely hated it and only maintain friendships from the previous school now.
Not saying automatically sending your dd to the same school but to really consider the possible merits of both options.

Another one who turned down the opportunity for private school because I was ‘happy’ at my state secondary. I wasn’t really, I was just scared of upsetting the status quo, and of what my friends would think of me. I regret it now and wish my parents had pushed it.

I got a scholarship to a private school and really hated it.
One other girl didn’t have ponies, sailing etc in her life and we were given a hard time .
No doubt pastoral care has improved since then, but if your daughter is happy and settled I’d keep her there.
My OH teaches a core subject in a comp and says the ones who get the excellent results are the ones who study hard at home, so it’s all to play for.

If she doesn't want to go and then hates it, you know who she's going to blame. So you have to factor that in.

Ask the school what percentage of children are on hefty bursaries. Near us there's a school that has a few bursary children and I've heard they get picked on. At my DCs private school there are loads and loads of bursary children and no one knows or cares.

Take her to see the school again, focusing on the things that are most important to her, like the sporting facilities and opportunities.
Ask if some sporty girls her age could show her around, so she can get to meet the people she may end up mixing with.

If she still shows no interest, leave her where she is. But if she's unsure, I think it's up to you to decide. She's very young to have to make that decision herself.

It's worth considering that if she absolutely hates the private school, she could return to the state school after a year, unless it's over subscribed, whereas she may not get a second offer of a scholarship at the private school if she turns it down now.

I'd choose the school with the best track record in GCSEs, A levels and uni places.

OP I had the opportunity to be sent to a private school but ensured I didn't go for family reasons. I then got good GCSE results and went to a college where approximately 50% of the people doing my A level subjects had been privately educated.

My comp was actually very good up to 16 as for them special education covered if you were academically able in subjects, like I was, or had SEN but the education from 16-18 was in a flux.

My college peers who had been to private, including some public schools, had moved because a lots of them where on bursaries to lift the schools academic performance and were fed up of it. (They didn't realise the college was actually selective.)

I did have a couple of extended family members who went to the private school I would have gone to and their exam results weren't any better than mine. One actually ended up at my university and career wise has done some similar things.

I also know my college as a percentage sent more students to Oxbridge and on competitive uni courses than the private school, while my comp sent a similar number to the private school.

So OP if your daughter is academically able and the comp covers all sorts of needs including hers then leave her be. If however they don't help those out who are academically able convince her she needs to move schools.

It's a difficult one but if I would be making the decision for my own daughter in exactly the same situation, I would tell her that she would be attending the private school. I believe parents should make schooling decisions for their children. It's likely that she can make a success of any school. It's a great opportunity and you have done well to sort out the finances for it, after all, the start of it was fuelled by her needs.

If she starts and it doesn't work out after a year, then could she get her place back at the other one?

suburbanrhonda that’s the kind of fatalistic mindset that does kids no favours. We all shape the future in different ways by our decisions. It isn’t pre-destined. An adult has been through the school system, can see how competitive the jobs market is AND can see how the best possible education opens doors and gives you choices. A 13 year old can’t be expected to have a long range perspective- an adult should.

I think the decision lies with you as the parent rather than your DD deciding. Seems it would be a missed opportunity if she didn’t go.

It's easy to say "she will make new friends" but that's not always the case. Teenage friendships can really affect schooling. I ended up leaving college as I was so isolated and as a result never got any A levels.

Do not let a 12 year old child make this decision...

The whole “I hated it. I was the only one without a pony.” Is only one narrative and reflects only a specific sector of private education.

I went to an academic but very diverse school (yes there were wealthier people, some it slightly obscene,) but many were very normal. more importantly the kids weren’t horrible so your face wasn’t rubbed in it that often

In opened a whole new world up for me and I don’t think I’d be as successful today had I gone to the local grammar. That said all children are different and you know the school(s) and your child.

I also disagree with letting her make her own mind up. You will he giving her an amazing start in life by sending her to the private school. She will make new friends.

I would also encourage her to go. My DC2 went to a very posh single sex school. We scrimped and saved and made sacrifices to keep him there. The vast majority of students were in no way 'posh', but were from ordinary backgrounds, on supported places.
The results are great because the students all want to learn, so there is no/little classroom backchat, and the teachers were all excellent as they had to compete to work in such a good setting. Facilities were great, extracurricular costs are whatever you choose to opt into, and the selection of available things was immense. Uniform was cheap - any white shirt / black trousers / blue jumper was acceptable. And she would gain that private school indefinable x factor which gives polish and assurance, and great attitude which can really make people seem to glide through life.
See if you can get her to try it for a couple of terms, she can always move back, but there will not be another opportunity to try this. Who is to say that what made her unhappy last year is not going to recur next year? She is just scared of change - fair enough, but this is such a fantastic opportunity I would be biting their hand off. Please try your best to sell it to her.

Listen to your dd.

I would go back (with her) for another look round and then discuss it with her.

Do you know any other families there? Any others on bursaries? All forms of snobbery are unpleasant , but that doesn’t mean that kids on bursaries, in some schools, haven’t been subject to actual snobbery. I know two girls who have moved out of seperate single sex private schools because of the treatment they encountered.

Friends are incredibly important to young teens.

How confident is she?

And how does her current school support high achieving students? I have Dc predicted 3 x A* (on good evidence: they actually took AS levels) and happy in comprehensive education.

I think at age of yr8, you are still responsible for your child's longer term decisions. They are still too young to think about the future.
At least I would suggest she does try it out. You can always go back to state education.

“she can always move back”

Not guaranteed at all! In our over subscribed comps your place would be gone!

If the main intake to the new school is not in Y9 (and I can't think it's likely with a girls only day school), then since your DD is happy and doing really well in her co-ed comp, I'd run for the hills rather than move her, given her reluctance.

Scholarships are handed out like sweets to lots of girls only schools - they're not that popular - so I wouldn't have my head turned by that.

It's not a day school although dd would be day. Scholarships are not handed out like sweets, the school is full and extremely popular and successful.

Its a really nice problem to have. You can feel good that you did the right thing to move heaven and earth for her when she was unhappy.
And you can feel good that she managed to settle in the end and overcome her initial difficulties at her current school.
I'd be leaning towards leaving her where she is if she's happy and settled right now.
You know from last year how elusive "happy and settled" can be..

I was in exactly this situation about a year ago - DS unhappy with his primary school, passed exam for local good private school. We spent an agonising 10 days trying to make our minds up (honestly the most stressful 10 days I can think of since 20 years back when I was made redundant!) Lots of pros and cons, and I did feel he had to be involved in the decision, not have it imposed on him, even at age 9.

In the end what swung it was the issue of "fitting in". He said "I liked the day I spent there, but there was this feeling of 'I could fit in, but I'd have to turn myself into someone I'm not to do it.'"

That's exactly the feeling I had in my first job out of university (really excellent job I worked incredibly hard to get and was lucky to get, with superb career prospects). I just didn't fit. I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't. In the end I went back to academia. So I took DS's feelings about this very serious.

At the same time there was this feeling of "shit, this could enable him 8 or 9 years down the line to get the exam results he'll need to get into a really top university to do whatever he wants... I could be making a huge mistake here."

A year on, I'm more sanguine about it. He has a much better teacher in his state primary school, our top choice secondary (fingers crossed) offers a lot of the same outdoor ed opportunities the private school would have done (together with an ethos of inclusion where they do massive amounts of fundraising so kids from poorer backgrounds get to do stuff like Duke of Edinburgh awards completely funded by the school - like I said, fingers crossed...)

I also recall my experiences as a postgrad tutoring at (insert name of really prestigious university here). The kids from state school who'd got there against the odds did spectacularly well. The kids from private school really separated into the sheep and the goats - there were of course the massively talented ones who'd have done well whatever, but there were the ones who got where they were by being drilled and force fed by their school - and left to self-motivate at university, they sank without trace.

So ultimately what matters (assuming the state school isn't a hopelessly failing school) is fostering an attitude within your child where the drive and desire comes from inside them, not from being drilled and regimented.

Good luck OP, it's a massively, massively hard and stressful decision to make - I know, I've been there.

I have not 'had my head turned', yes there are other schools near who might have a falling role and be desperate but this isn't one of them. Which makes our decision harder.

Main intake is year 9