Dd doesn't want to go to private school

[Plessis]

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

I think she's too young to really understand the implications of her decision. But private school isn't for everyone and just because their results are better (of course they are, they're allowed to be much more selective than state schools) doesn't mean the pupils are happier.

I went to private school and I wasn't particularly happy there. The small year groups meant that you didn't get much choice about friendships. It was very cliquey and there was no way of avoiding people you didn't like. Our year group was only about sixty pupils, so class sizes were great but socially it was very restrictive. My results were okay but I don't think they were any better than they would have been if I was at state school.

Please take your DD's concerns into account. Yes, part of it would be fear and uncertainty but if she's happy with her friendship group, don't underestimate how important that is going through the teenage years.

FWIW, I've been the "poor day student" at a couple of boarding schools (where one girl's father would helicopter in her riding instructor for a weekly top-up lesson and another child was a prince from another country). Day students were always welcome in the boarding houses, plus had their own separate common room. There was a pocket money limit, so no one was going on fancy spending sprees. Sure, there was some snobbery, but that's life, mostly everyone just muddled on together. There were a lot of students from very different backgrounds, and these were celebrated. We had culture nights when people would put on their native dress, serve native food and talk about where they are from.
I had so many opportunities at those schools than I ever had at subsequent grammar schools (we moved around a lot!). The sporting, arts and academic facilities were far far greater, and students were actively encouraged to be be bold and try new things.

I was privately educated from secondary and didn't want to be, I wanted to go to the (very good) comp all my peers from primary were going to. I tried to make the best of it, and did come out with very good results and went to a top 5 uni. But I got bullied a lot and the pressure to 'achieve' was immense and by the time I got to Uni I ended up having a breakdown and then dropping out unable to cope. I now at 23 have had no 'good' jobs, only working in hospitality and childcare, and am currently a SAHM, I certainly did not achieve the future my parents thought they were paying six figures for. The jobs that the state and inde educated people have got are the same level for the most part, only where family have connections have the inde pupils got better jobs.

The most important thing is she is happy, if she is good academically there is absolutely no reason she cannot fulfil her potential at a state school, and you can always use the money you've saved on fees in top up private tutors if you wish. If she has made a strong group of friends I don't think it would be a good idea to move her, however prestigious the school. Results are individual, the league tables just show the average range, which is obviously easier to succeed in if you are a selective school.

Kids do fail at private school too! Drugs are often more of a problem where kids have more income (middle class state schools as well as private).

One thing to consider would be, it sounds like at the moment your DD is recognised and given special responsibility etc at her current school. Would she get that at the private school where everyone is bright, motivated etc (or most are anyway!). Going from being one of the top of the class in everything to being average and nothing special can be very demotivating and hit your confidence.

Keep her at the comp where she's happy and use the money saved to fund a decent house deposit. The financial security she will have will outweigh any potential door-opening opportunities.

In the essence of anecdotal balance, I feel obliged to say that my parents forced me to go to a private school, I hated it and wished that I'd been able to go to the (very good) local comp.

Even with retrospect (and with the added experience of listening to my parents' views on schooling their grandchildren) I think they made the wrong decision. They were blinded with "private must be best" and "the results are so much better" (it was a very selective school ...). How I would fit in was very much a secondary consideration and contrary to the person upthread who says that children make friends so easily - they really don't at teenage year. My only friend through school was another girl who was similarly an outcast; I mostly didn't have anything in common with the other girls at my school, and with the longer school day I lost touch with my existing friends.

I absolutely wouldn't move a child that is happy and thriving as OP's DD is.

People always say all-girl schools are bitchy - that's plain old engrained sexism right there. There are issues with socialising in all schools at times. My dd made excellent friends in a supportive single-sex school: it was brilliant for her.

Your dd won't necessarily lose her current friends by changing schools either.

I would move her...or at least get her to go to the taster days ..the sport especially for girls (and as they get older) in state schools is a real shame how low a priority it is (well around here - the 'outstanding school' cancels stuff all the time and from yr9/10 hardly does any as no demand...and is so important for future health

Academically she may be alright anywhere although that level of turnover is high...but at the private school she is very unlikely to not make her potential levels- the small size if nothing less makes it harder to escape as well as the general ethos (not all I know)
the state school is more of a risk ......(most of my family go to or work in state schools so I am not a private or nothing person ...) but this is a great opportunity

I find 'fear of the unknown' an issue with my child. I've had to push her to do things that she really enjoys but very adamantly refused to do initially. Ultimately I needed to force her give things a go and try them out.

I've always given her the opportunity to say no after she gives things a chance. She gets set in routines and doesn't like change. It is very much knowing what she is like and working with that.

One of my siblings got the opportunity to attend a better school but ultimately didn't settle. The advantages for her (facilities and teaching) did not outweigh the extra travel time and missing her friends. She returned to her original school after less than a year.

Whilst she did OK in the long run I always wish she'd stayed at the better school. Her friendship groups changed and the teaching was not great - she missed the better school and realised what she'd given up. She slightly resents my parents for not making her stay in the better school as she couldn't do the options she wanted at the original school. I think they gave her too much say and she wasn't old enough to make her own choice on which school to attend.

would add if she is going in at main entry point then she is more likely to make friends as most schools do lots of stuff to get them to know each other ...otherwise i can see it woudl be tricky -

yeah the sport is a problem. She does her sport out of school but I've noticed that the ones still going in year 11 and 12 all seem to be at private school! They can work it in to the curriculum so she can leave for training and they will ensure she has still covered everything. It's reassuring tbh esp as she gets older.

If she is happy and has a nice group of friends in a decent state I would be really loathe to upset the apple cart. That is so valuable. Early teen years are really formative I see it with my dd of the same age and anecdotally most of us really remember those years.

We had a similar dilemma, DD had a place at a Grammar school but she wanted to go with her friends to our local "good" comprehensive.

I was very conflicted, but the all girl environment really did worry me. (I knew that anorexia and self harming was more of a problem than at the comprehensive. Plus the pressure to get straight As was much more) and decided to let her have the final say.
She went on to the comp, was extremely happy, get straight As, went to a top 10 uni and now has a fabulous job, great career prospects etc. . She and I have no regrets what so ever.

Going on your pros and cons I wouldn’t give her the choice at that age personally.

The pros of better academics, better sport, lower teacher turnover etc far outweigh the cons.

If she’s sociable she will make friends anywhere, and she will also retain the group of friends she has now. As a teenager I had a large group of friends from different backgrounds and school types - private, comprehensive etc.

She can always move for 6th form if she doesn’t like it. If she’s doing 13+ that’s only 4 years.

I’ve never runderstood fear of ‘posh’ people or people with money - they’re no different to anyone else.

Its a load of divisive BS about all kids at private school being posh - my kids are at a prep. I drive an old banger and clothe them from Asda, and an daresay a great many of their schoolfriends are the same.

Going on about "posh" is really unneccessary. Yes, you get a higher proportion of spoilt arseholes at private school but thats inevitable. What you DO get, apart from peer pressure to work hard, is the little extras like being forced to read out in front of the class and other confidence building activities, and this is what benefits my otherwise reticent children.

Id shes clever AND sporty, shes sorted in my view.
Encourage her to go.

Why would you change things when she's happy and doing well?

What you DO get, apart from peer pressure to work hard, is the little extras like being forced to read out in front of the class and other confidence building activities, and this is what benefits my otherwise reticent children.

You get that at a good comprehensive too.

My aunt had a choice of her local grammar school where all her friends were going or North London Collegiate, where my grandmother and great grandmother had been, she chose to stay with her friends.

She went on to a good uni and a good career in the foreign office, but she always regretted not choosing N. London.

People, children particulary, often choose conservatively for fear of change and difference. It’s not necessarily the optimal choice.

Gosh, this is a tricky one. I went to a posh girls private school until sixth form (day though, not boarding) and it was brilliant for my GCSE's, but not so brilliant for all the other, equally important things in life.

I was that person at uni that sunk without the strict discipline that being at a school like that gives you. Left to my own devices I was completely lazy, didn't make the most of it, and just had (I can see in retrospect) that very private-school entitled attitude, that the world owed me, not that I had to actually strive or work hard for anything. I did manage to scrape a 2:1 but god only knows how.

Single sex meant that I became absolutely boy-obsessed when I was a teen and desperate to lose my virginity as soon as possible, didn't matter with whom. This was a common goal amongst my peers. Whereas my state/mixed school friends just thought boys were generally annoying, and were entirely unbothered and uninterested in that sort of thing. By the time I was in sixth form (at another school) I was totally disinterested in studying and it was ALL about boys/drink/drugs and generally misbehaving and doing as little work as I could get away with. I can't help feeling that if I had been exposed to a bit more when I was younger, rather than cosseted in a girls private school, it would have been much less enticing.

I then boarded (mixed) at sixth form, and yes, the 'day pupils' were viewed as a different species and very left out.

Also agree, that your DD's current mates will think she has gone 'posh' and it will be difficult to maintain friendships.

I would leave

Frankly her sadness at the change and feeling left out could massively impact her academic performance

Negotiate a deal - you stay - you perform

Mental well-being is critical , as is being heard and listeners to

Better doing very well where she is rather than possibly struggling to keep pace in a private school. Universities are actively discriminating against applicants from private schools, staying in the current school might work in her favour.
Being able to manage financially with bursaries etc if fine but how will she feel when her new school friends are off on expensive holidays and all the other social side of private education?

I think the chances are she won't actually keep her current friends because they'll tend to think she chose the other school over them, and that their school isn't good enough for her. Perfectly natural for kids to think like that and I think she's extremely likely to find they move on. Much longer days at boarding schools for everyone there, so that limits social opportunities with the old school friends too.

I'm struggling a bit with the idea that state school kids don't get to read out in front of their class.

I have experience of both sectors. One isn't inevitably better than the rest.

OP how near the top of the academic league tables is the new school - if it's super high then that might affect my thinking, if it were my own DD.

Going on about "posh" is really unneccessary. Yes, you get a higher proportion of spoilt arseholes at private school but thats inevitable.

There are arseholes at all schools.

There may be fewer ‘posh’ arseholes at comprehensives generally, but there are plenty of bullying arseholes who pick on difference.

That should read: one isn't inevitably better than the other.

I can understand your dilemma. A group of local friends to hang out with at that age is, to me, extremely important and I think there is certainly a risk of her being rejected by the friends (or their jealous parents!) if she moves. However, looking at your pros and cons list I would send her to the private school. She sounds very likeable so will in all likelihood make friends at the new school. I think definitely a taster day or two before you have to firmly decide.