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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:

Peregrina · 09/11/2018 09:37

People talk about doors being opened for her at the private school. Are they the doors she or you want to see opened? Reading about her mentoring a non-hearing child at her present school, seems like a good experience for her and the other child already. Would she still have those sorts of opportunities?

If it's a question of the sport being much much better and you would be saving time by not travelling round to after school clubs and waiting until they finish then that would also be a consideration for me.

You say it's 'posh'. Does that mean it has a very fussy uniform that your DD would find irksome, or doesn't that bother her?

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:37

If you really believe all this, then why would you send her to the private school?

Hence th e thread!!!

OP posts:

BunnyColvin · 09/11/2018 09:38

She's grown in confidence at the comp. She can talk to anyone, she loves the diversity. She's a mentor to a non hearing child. She's extremely popular and the teachers seem to really like her. I can't believe she'll be the same at the private school.

Leave her where she is. She's doing great. At the end of the day, we're all alive for a short time and happiness is never guaranteed. She'll be fine in the future. So many children have problems at school and hate going in every day. To have a kid who loves school every day is a gift!

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 09/11/2018 09:38

Doesn't the academic research support that girls in single sex schools tend to do better than in mixed schools? By removing the boys, you automatically remove the gender stereotypes of 'girl' subjects vs 'boy' subjects, different behavioural traits and developmental rates etc. The effect is less pronounced for boys, but still there.

I know others will disagree but I personally prefer a diamond shaped education, co-ed through primary, single sex to 16, co-ed for 6th form.

Satsumaeater · 09/11/2018 09:39

I think you need to encourage her to go. Her school may be great now, but state schools are struggling with recruitment and keeping teachers. My ds is in year 11 but if I had the opportunity to move him to a private school at a younger age I think I would have taken it because of the turnover of teachers. Although someone may come on here and say that private schools are struggling with recruitment and retention of teachers too.

Sports are always better at private schools too.

havingabadhairday · 09/11/2018 09:40

Will people stop saying how easy it is for children to make new friends. It's not necessarily. I never made friends easily and had to move schools twice. I ended up bullied and lonely.

Not saying that will happen to the OP's DD, but please, stop with the 'it'll be fine, she'll easily make new friends' crap.

Couchpotato3 · 09/11/2018 09:41

Agree with previous poster who asked whether she is an only child. If you have other children who are not likely to get the same opportunities, then you really should think twice before sending her (although it would be different if she was still unhappy at her state school). It's a big opportunity for her - would she agree to try it for GCSEs and move back to state for Sixth form if it didn't suit her?

EmeraldVillage · 09/11/2018 09:41

I would consider, in no particular order,

Whether you have other kids and what you would do for them
Will the comp help her achieve HER full academic potential? If not will the private school?
What are the parental backgrounds at the private school? If it is 90% foreign billionaires with pampered princess daughters then that is quite different to 90% regular doctors and lawyers etc who are making significant sacrifices so their kids can go.
What would the travel be like

Do many people do day? If it is a v small percentage then getting properly into friendship groups may be harder.

The fact it mainly starts at y9 is good as you won’t have to break into existing friendship groups.

FishCanFly · 09/11/2018 09:41

single sex and posh? i'd be dead against it too

TheSmallAssassin · 09/11/2018 09:42

You must have thought that her current school was good enough when you first chose it and she seems to be thriving there now. If it ain't broke!

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 09:50

Scholarships aren't usually that valuable Deliphant, they're marketing tools these days more than anything else. Usually in the hundreds of pounds pa, not thousands. So a drop in the ocean if they flatter a parent or DC and secure another £15k pa in fees.

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:50

Thank you. The pros of the comp are:
dd is really happy
teachers are young and energetic
she has a huge group of local friends
she's recognised as being great at her sport
she's doing well academically and motivated to try hard and improve
she's very confident always volunteering to read and speak etc

cons:
teachers are constantly leaving - she's had two maths teachers this term and had three last year (this was what prompted us to start looking elsewhere iirc)
no high level sport and fixtures always cancelled if its raining!
some very disruptive kids in the class
a good chance she could bob along having a laugh and come out with average gcses
I think we'd deffo move her for 6th form as her sister is there and although everyone is nice and well meaning there just isn't the individual attention her sister definitely needed at A level

private school without going into too many details and making it identifiable
great at sport, they've SAID they will nurture her and discover what it is she really loves and go with that (she's a very high level in two sports both of which this school does well hence the scholarship!)
much better academic results
huge amount of leadership type extra curricular
teachers and tutors and housemistress all seemed genuinely nice and kind and professional

cons
all girls
local rumours are that it can be bitchy although I knwo a couple of girls who go and they seem very nice
apparently the drama dept isnt great although this won't impact dd
money! we can afford it happily but still dd1 is off to uni and that is going to cost to
Posh was probably the wrong word but my god there are some rich children there and for some reason I find that quite terrifying!

OP posts:

SheeshazAZ09 · 09/11/2018 09:51

Children are often very resistant to change but I think it would be a huge missed opportunity to bow to what is essentially DD's nervousness about the unknown. I agree with those who recommend tough love. Make her go to the school that has offered the scholarship. But also enable her to get more familiar with the new school.

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:51

You must have thought that her current school was good enough when you first chose it and she seems to be thriving there now. If it ain't broke!

well tbh its the only one in catchment so not much choice! It is good though.

OP posts:

faw2009 · 09/11/2018 09:52

Wow, what a nice dilemma to be in!

I agree with other posters that say definitely sit down with your DD and write down pros and cons.

Also, talk to her about opportunities and the future. I know it's a big ask to think about at 12. But this is a crossroad.

teta · 09/11/2018 09:54

I did this twice with dd1 and then Dd2. Dd1 is now at university and has done far better than her friends that were equally as bright, left at her old school. It’s too early to tell for Dd2 as she is still in the system. But her school obtain fantastic results and I’m sure she will be fine. In year 8 it’s absolutely the worse thing ever to think of losing your friends. But these friendships change so much over these years. I really don’t think you have enough wisdom or life experience to make a decision about these things at the age of what - 13? Also if everyone is joining in year 9 it will be so easy to make new friends. Dd2 has a amazing set of friends of all nationalities newly made in year 9. It’s really given her a international outlook that’s hard to find in our very small town.

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:54

yes I am aware it is a lovely dilemma to have.

actually I hadn't really thought of the possibility of moving back for 6th form - I think she'll have to reapply for the scholarship then anyway so she could always move back then if she hates it.

I don't think she will hate it.

I think I am really worried that her current friends will think she's an awful snob for going and drop her. I can see that happening tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:57

and - sorry to go on but this is really helping!- the kids that dd1 went to school with at primary level - some of them were really bright, more so than dd1. They lost contact when they went to secondary (the same school but its huge!). I've just found out that two girls who were so bright and clever at primary totally sunk their A levels, one has left with nothing, poor kid, and one has left with an E and a D and a fail and has no idea what she wants to do.

I'm not saying that NEVER happens at the privatre school but I can't imagine they would want or let it happen

OP posts:

cingolimama · 09/11/2018 10:01

OP, genuine question - why are "rich children" terrifying? You say that your DD can talk to anybody ... well, would that not include wealthy people? It will be very limiting if she feels she can't interact with people with more money than her.

Why is single sex is a con for you? Girls do really well at single sex schools, and the much discussed "bitchiness" can happen at a mixed school as well. Fwiw, my DD goes to a single sex (state) school and has a really strong friendship group.

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 10:02

I have no idea cingo! Obviously some deep scar in my past!

OP posts:

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 10:03

single sex is a con because dd has lots of male friends atm and gets on well with boys.

OP posts:

cingolimama · 09/11/2018 10:05

OP, if her friends drop her for some ridiculous idea of snobbishness, then they aren't really her friends. I know that's easy for an adult to say, but it's true. On that issue, you could take the "blame", so your daughter, even if she in the end wants to go to private school, can say "my Mum made me go!!".

cingolimama · 09/11/2018 10:08

Oh, I see - well would these male friends not be the ones she could see at the weekend? Or are you saying that perhaps she makes friends with boys more easily than girls?

We all have deep seated scars from our past! God knows I have a few ... but we must do our best not to pass them onto our children, even unconsciously.

cingolimama · 09/11/2018 10:10

Just to say I think you sound like a wonderful, caring mum!

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 10:12

Thanks! I'm not really, just trying to give dd every chance possible. She's a really special kid, thoughtful, caring, always looks on the bright side. I don't want her to change waaaaaahhhhh

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