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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:

Original poster

Plessis · 09/11/2018 12:04

I'll try to remember to come back and update! Thank you all.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 12:07

Tatiana said what I said was bullshit

Nope, I said you were wrong to make a general rule on limited personal experience. Which is your kids and some of their mates.

My personal experience was completely different.

Pissedoffdotcom has made the same point.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 12:08

apologies if i have read it wrong. It grates on me massively when experiences get shut down.

You haven’t read it wrong pissedoffdotcom you were absolutely right.

cingolimama · 09/11/2018 12:11

OP, book the first taster day, and also get in touch with the school and see if your DD might be able to talk to one of the sporty girls. And go visit a second time if you can to look at other aspects of the school.

You're fortunate in that you don't have to make a decision for several months. So you need to breathe! I'm sure you'll take everything on board and eventually make the right decision.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 12:11

Moving to a private school at the end of primary (as in Tatiana's example is entirely different from starting off at a state secondary and moving part way up the school.

She’s only been there a year, And as it goes I know people who shifted state to private and private to state further up the school and that was fine too.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 12:14

This says "I am moving schools because I don't think this one is good enough and the other one is better". And that would be the reason that OP's DD moved. And it makes it pretty hard to retain friends unless you can come up with another justification such as "I'm being bullied at current school" (or possibly in this case, "I really didn't want to move but my parents made me")

All it says is you went to a different school. If people make inferences from that on the basis of insecurity, narrow-mindedness and prejudice they’re not worth knowing.

Witchend · 09/11/2018 12:16

I would sit down with her and discuss pros and cons and her concerns and make a decision after that.

Df failed the 11+ and went to the local secondary modern. He achieved for them outstanding grades (first person to get A-levels).

Talking to him not very long ago he told me that he was offered to swap to the grammar on several occasions but didn't because he wanted to stay with his friends and was scared of not fitting in at the "posh" grammar.
He said looking back he'd wished his parents had pushed him to move as it would ultimately have been better for him, and he was sure if he'd moved he'd have loved it. (although he did manage to be captain of football, rugby, cricket and head boy all at the same time, which he probably wouldn't have at the grammar)

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 12:22

No problem Pissedoffdotcom, it does the same for me.

sheet82 · 09/11/2018 12:26

I disagree with a lot of the posters.

You're the adult with the life experience. It's hard for a child to take that on board.

I think as PPs have said visit the school. And talk through opportunity - it's not just grades it's the wider aspect of what's on offer at a Private School.

Education is so underfunded at the moment and these are coming up to key years.

Personally I would be doing all I can and then telling my DD she has to move as on this occasion Mum knows best!

LasMeninas · 09/11/2018 12:51

I'd have hated it if my parents had done this. In year 8 I had a very good group of friends who I still talk to every day now, 20 years later. I'd have hated it if my parents had made me move to a new school just for a few extra after-school activities or whatever.

It's not as if she's having problems academically right now, in which case I could see the argument for moving her.

EleanorAbernathy · 09/11/2018 12:55

Please listen to your daughter - I was moved from a state school to private school in year 8 - my parents genuinely thought it was the best thing for me as it was a good school with great results.

I struggled to fit in - friendship groups were already formed and the school concentrated on the sporty, academic children and I was neither. I went from a bright, creative child to a depressed self-harming teenager with an eating disorder. My parents wouldn't let me move schools even though I was desperately unhappy there, and I left with a very average set of GCSEs and no desire to carry on with education.

Some children may thrive at private school (unlike me who just crumbled!) and your DD may be one of them so if you really think she'd be happy there then go for it, but maybe think of a plan B if it d0esn't work out for her?

annielight · 09/11/2018 12:58

You could see if she can try it out for a day or week ... some schools let you do" taster sessions". My DD did that and found it really useful! It ended up making the decision for her, as we were really on the fence before. It is a tough one... seems to be a great opportunity and she is young enough still to fit in easily and make new friends. Could teach her some good life skills too.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/11/2018 17:32

A 13 year old can’t be expected to have a long range perspective- an adult should.

You don’t need “long-range perspective”. What’s important is whether the child is happy and learning now. If she is moved against her will she will not be happy and won’t learn. No amount of private schooling will make up for that.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 18:36

and the school concentrated on the sporty, academic children and I was neither.

That’s you. OP’s DD is doing well academically and recognised as very good at her sport. She’s also apparently very confident and sociable. So she may well fit in very well.

blueshoes · 09/11/2018 19:14

I would be slow to turn down a private school. The difference in expectations, facilities (particularly in sports), activities and academics could be akin to night and day, as my friend who recently moved her dd from a good state school to a top single sex private school is finding out and waxing lyrical.

Can you try and speak to a parent who has a child in that school on bursary and see what they say about the 'posh' factor and making friends. Perhaps the school could introduce you.

I would urge you and your dd to try and find out as much as you can about that particular private school before turning it down. It is great to get on with 'all walks of life' but to succeed in a highly competitive work environment, she also needs to be able to put it on and 'talk the talk' and know how to get on in those environments which can be pretty intimidating if you are not used to it.

Perhaps she already gets that, I don't know. It depends on how middle class her comp already is and what she experiences at home.

missymayhemsmum · 09/11/2018 20:21

There are lots of private schools out there where the opportunities/tuition/facilities aren't actually better than a good comp, they are just more exclusive. Compare the results that the top ability group in the comp are getting if that's where your daughter is. If there is a good cohort getting solid As and going to good unis then you have no need to move her.

Bingbongbingleybongleyboo · 09/11/2018 21:33

Go back to basics.

How would you feel if you were TOLD she was going to change schools? No hesitation, go with your gut instinct.

How would you feel if you were TOLD she’d be staying where she is? No hesitation, go with your gut instinct.

Which answer is more productive?

Peregrina · 09/11/2018 22:30

Why not just park the decision until after Christmas, and then see how you all feel. Is it something you have been thinking about all the time, or has it gone to the back of your minds?

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