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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:
AllOuttaIdeas · 09/11/2018 10:38

One thing to consider would be, it sounds like at the moment your DD is recognised and given special responsibility etc at her current school. Would she get that at the private school where everyone is bright, motivated etc (or most are anyway!). Going from being one of the top of the class in everything to being average and nothing special can be very demotivating and hit your confidence.

^this too

Workreturner · 09/11/2018 10:39

OP

Please choose the private option.
You can always move if it doesn’t work out.

Your daughter has been given a fabulous opportunity. The facilities, the extra curricular activities, the small classes.

Don’t worry about snobbery. It’s more rife at state schools in my experience!

Workreturner · 09/11/2018 10:40

One thing to consider would be, it sounds like at the moment your DD is recognised and given special responsibility etc at her current school. Would she get that at the private school where everyone is bright, motivated etc (or most are anyway!). Going from being one of the top of the class in everything to being average and nothing special can be very demotivating and hit your confidence.

If it doesn’t happen now, it would happen at university. And be even more unsettling

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 10:40

Mine is a cross post with lots of others having already said the old friends will still be there. Since it's so unlikely to be the reality I think that should be faced up to squarely, or it would be very unfair on your DD.

Perfectly1mperfect · 09/11/2018 10:41

is the little extras like being forced to read out in front of the class and other confidence building activities

Do you really think that state schools don't make kids read in front of the class ? Of course they do.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 10:41

think the chances are she won't actually keep her current friends because they'll tend to think she chose the other school over them, and that their school isn't good enough for her.

This is bullshit. I have many friends who went to state primaries who shifted to private for secondary. They stayed in touch with their primary school friends who had gone on to state school, and they all became part of a huge friendship group.

This very 1930s of idea of posh vs not, private vs state is very narrow and atavistic.

In 2018 people don’t really care. And if some do ignore them.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 10:42

In my experience the pressure at private schools is more intense than state schools. And whilst the support is there, it can still be detrimental. I found private education far more pressuring than state or Uni education!

underoverunder · 09/11/2018 10:42

I can understand your dilemma. Girls change a lot in Years 9/10/11 so if I were making this decision, I'd consider what her current friends are like. Is she likely to remain friends with them? Are they also focused on doing well in their exams? What opportunities does the school offer bright pupils? How big is the current school? How big is the turn over of staff in key subjects? What are the results like - value added etc...?

If you do keep her at her current school, what are her 6th form options? Do you have a high performing 6th form college within travelling distance? How self-motivated is your DD?

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 10:42

Sorry: that the old friends won't still be there.

Peregrina · 09/11/2018 10:43

When do you have to make the decision OP? It sounds as though you have time to sleep on it for a while, which might help it to become clear which is the better option.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 10:44

Tatiana it's absolutely not bullshit. I'm extrapolating from what happens all the time to DC in my area. I have no hang ups whatever about types of people. Just none.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 10:49

Tatiana it's absolutely not bullshit. I'm extrapolating from what happens all the time to DC in my area.

It is. You can’t possibly know all the children in your local area and all their outcomes.

You can say that some of the children you know didn’t keep in touch with old friends - but you can’t be sure why - maybe they preferred their new ones. Maybe they weren’t particularly sociable unlike the OP’s DD. Maybe they chose not to.

Extrapolating a general rule on a few kids you know is meaningless.

underoverunder · 09/11/2018 10:49

My DD is at a private school (reduced fees) but she started in Year 7 and we weren't in the catchment of the state secondary all her friends went to. She made friends easily and it did not seem to matter to any of the girls what size home they lived in. As she has gone up the school, there are a group of girls who do make it matter, but I suspect you get that in any school. DD is lovely and due to that has attracted lovely friends. Being good at sports and in sports teams is an easier way to make lots of friends as you spend time together away from the classrooms. My DD is at a day school though. I would want to be sure there were plenty of other day school girls before I sent my DD to a boarding school as a non-boarder.

LizzieSiddal · 09/11/2018 10:50

Mental well-being is critical , as is being heard and listened to.

This is so important ^^

The mental health of teenagers, is in crisis in this country. Please listen to your dd. She is doing well where she is, she's a hard worker. Studies have shown that a well supported, bright child will do well wherever they go.

Justlikedevon · 09/11/2018 10:51

I was offered a scholarship at the same age and refused to go. My parents still lament my wasted potential. But it was absolutely the best thing for me not to go and I am, 30+ years on , relieved I stuck my ground. If she says she doesn't want to move, she doesn't want to move!

ifonly4 · 09/11/2018 10:52

OP, the first thing I would do at this point is take her back to look at the school in question and basically tell them what she wants to see/know. Any decent private school will want to ensure it's right for her (not them!).

My DD obtained a scholarship and well funded bursary for sixth form, she was desperate to go but we told her she had to make the enquiries/application. The first month was awful, she questioned her move, missed her friends and I guess home as she was boarding. The school even requested a meeting to work out what was best for her. She came back home and had a taster day at her old school (also for you it might be worth enquiring if her old school can keep a place open for her, so if private doesn't work, she can go back)
However, DD decided to stick with it and by the summer said she didn't want to come home for the holidays.

She's now a peer mentor for the school and had three girls in her house that couldn't settle during the first few days, two stuck with the school, one went home (I don't think it helped her Mum kept taking her out for first week, so she wasn't around to make connections.

Regarding current friendships, my DD is older but is still in touch with all her old friends and sees them on her return home.

ifonly4 · 09/11/2018 10:58

Forgot to say, DD has never been bullied and not seen any evidence of it. In fact, they have a zero tolerance for some issues and you're asked to leave. A state school in most instances would let the problem ride for a while.

Regarding work, I guess she had a sit an entrance exam and the school wouldn't accept her unless they thought she was capable. There are some very bright children at my DD's school, but she can old her own and certainly isn't bottom of the class.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 10:59

Tatiana you're wrong. I've lived in my area where for forty years and have eight DC aged between 28 and 16 all of whom have gone to the local superselective with plenty of their friends who didn't get a place going to either local independents or to boarding schools such as Sherborne or Eton. I think it's fair to say that I do actually know the outcomes of most of the DC across that long time span; I'm interested in people generally and have a ridiculous memory too.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 11:01

where

No idea why I can't type this morning. But just to repeat: Tatiana, you're wrong.

Prettyvase · 09/11/2018 11:05

God I would have hated any one of the pushy posters on here who would force their dd to go.

If she is happy and self motivated and popular with her peers she will do well in whatever school she is in.

We have a ds who also was offered a top scholarship at a highly popular and highly achieving independent school.

He didn't want to go and so that was that.

He did well in his state school anyway and is now at Oxford reading physics.

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 11:05

No, you know the outcomes for your own children, goodbye that’s it.

You may know the outcomes for some of their friends but you don’t know why they made those choices.

They may have preferred their new school friends, and not been that keen on the old ones. They’re perfectly entitled to choose.

Trying to present a general rule on the basis of your kids and some of their mates is absurd.

Dragongirl10 · 09/11/2018 11:06

Op, please let go of worrying what her friends may think, and also in the kindest way don't short change her huge opportunity here, by being afraid of the 'rich' kids' these worries are irrelevent...

Also please don't assume girls schools are bitchy, my DD has attended 2 and they are both full of kind, fun , lively girls for the most part...

My DD was a tomboy through and through, as a younger child, but very shy, yet has thrived at a girls school ....
before she never played with girls and had limited social skills with girls, now she is confidently able to socialise with both sexes.

I was surprised what unshakeable confidence has come from being at a girls school, l really didn't expect that.

All the sporty girls at her school, get their timetable adjusted to allow them to persue their sports at the highest level, whilst not dropping behind at all or missing any academic work. The focus is alway on achieving the very best results and the support to do so very individual.
The other thing to think about is the resources for careers advice, DD school is already holding workshops for NHS careers and medics and vets pathways in year 9.

Having gone to a rural comprehensive myself l am learning a huge amount!

TatianaLarina · 09/11/2018 11:06

But just to repeat: Tatiana, you're wrong.

I’m wrong about my own life? Seriously?

Hoppinggreen · 09/11/2018 11:07

My dd went to Private School in year 7, it was absolutely the right decision and she gets a 25% scholarship too.
She really wanted to go but even she had a few wobbles when all her Primary friends went on transition days to the local Comp.
However, if she had been at a good school where she was happy already I don’t think I would have moved her.
As for the being the only one without a pony and all that rubbish it’s not the case at her school but it’s neither single sex or very posh - if it was we wouldn’t have sent her.
It’s your decision OP and your daughter may be too young to understand the possible opportunity this is but I think in this case if she doesn’t want to move schools I wouldn’t make her.
My DS (currently y5) says he’s not going to The Private School but he is, the other option is not good and there is no way he isn’t getting as good an education as his sister so I WILL make him go but it’s a very different situation to yours OP

Jux · 09/11/2018 11:10

No she won't be missing out. If she's happy and settled she'll do much better than if she isn't. You have no reason to think she'll make such good friends in the private school.

A friend of mine's dd got a large scholarship to one of the private secondaries round here, fabulous opportunity. The poor child was miserable as sin. The other girls lived in big houses with massive gardens, many had ponies, all went abroad on holiday at keast once a year, the cost of school trips, even with the help of the scholarship which contributed towards school trips, was prohibitive so she never went. Her oarents hung on for a couple of years, but it became clear it was doing her no good at all, quite the opposite. She was turning into a miserable young woman with no confidence and her ebullient personality went far underground. They sent her back to the local comp, where - after a fairly short settling period - she started returning to the child we'd all known and loved.

That might be an extreme case, I don't know, but it's the other side of the coin.