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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to go to private school

193 replies

Plessis · 09/11/2018 08:05

She's been offered a huge scholarship, we qualify for a bursary. Fees would be doable. Results are far far better than the comp she's at now.

But she's doing really well at school at the moment, loves her friends and is generally really happy. New school would be single sex and very posh!!

We applied because in year 7 she wasn't that happy and she's extremely sporty. She's now in year 8. She's a sensible girl so I will listen to her, but AIBU to worry that if she doesn't take the scholarship she might be missing out?

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 09/11/2018 09:11

That’s a tough one. I do think a huge part of a child doing well at school depends on how happy and settled they are, and it’s hard to know whether she’d settle there or not (though I think it more likely than not she would). I agree with the advice about seeing if she can go for a day- if she meets some nice girls her own age and enjoys the day she might think differently about it.

User212787555 · 09/11/2018 09:11

goodbyestranger bitchy, much? Shock

theonetowalkinthesun · 09/11/2018 09:11

I was that kid wanting to stay where my friends were. Because I was a kid and that's what kids wants!

Parents made me change schools. Hated them for it at the time (so about a year). I felt very wronged!

(To be fair, they didn't do a good job of explaining it- instead of saying 'we think you should go here bc of this and this and this and we know you'll miss your friends but we'll make sure you still see them', they basically said 'you're going, no discussion needed'.

And now as a adult? I know that going to that other school was absolutely the right thing to do. My life is much better as a result. And I would do the exact same with my children. Only thing is I would explain it better and be more open to listening to them than my parents were with me!

Montsti · 09/11/2018 09:13

I would have a long talk to her and explains the pros of moving. Take her around the private school again. Maybe explain that, if it really doesn’t work out then then she can move back (is that a possibility I.e. do they have spaces at her current school?)...

I was in a similar situation and was desperate to stay at my mixed state school but am so happy that my parents moved me.

User212787555 · 09/11/2018 09:13

If main intake is yr9, do it. Apart from friends she’s made (who you can promise to help her maintain) what would be the pros of staying over the scholarship?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 09/11/2018 09:15

Full disclosure, parent of (grown up) scholarship DC here.

A few relevant questions:

  • Is she an only child? (If not, can you do this for another DC?)
  • Can you afford ‘extras’ such as music lessons, school trips, equipment for the obligatory D of E?
  • Is the journey to and from an easy one?
  • Will she have local friends?
  • You say it’s ‘very posh’. Is she socially confident enough to deal with feeling ‘outclassed’, at least to begin with?

She needs to visit the school again. Hopefully she’ll be shown round by a current pupil. Then let her decide.

If she’s happy and engaged where she is she’s likely to do well there anyway. I don’t think there is a right or wrong decision so in a way it’s an easy one for you.

nomilknosugarplease · 09/11/2018 09:15

I was in a similar position at her age. Begged DM not to make me go and she let me stay at the comp. I would’ve absolutely resented her if she’d made me go. I still got very good results by working very hard. I ended up going to the private school just for my A Levels in fact, and for the whole two years I hated it and all I could think was thank god I never came here. It just wasn’t for me at all. She can still get amazing results. And going to the comp taught me to be very resilient and I learnt to teach myself things. Like other PPs said, top grades from a comp are much more special to unis than top grades from private schools. But I may be biased as I honestly hated the school so much in sixth form I was SO glad my mum hadn’t made me go - just my personal experience Grin

Original poster
Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:16

She's grown in confidence at the comp. She can talk to anyone, she loves the diversity. She's a mentor to a non hearing child. She's extremely popular and the teachers seem to really like her. I can't believe she'll be the same at the private school.

OP posts:
user789653241 · 09/11/2018 09:17

It's a school, she needs to feel it herself if it's for her or not. And I do get that you may not be able to come back to the same state school she used to go, but I don't think it's a big deal. I changed school numerous times during secondary age myself due to move, nothing disadvantaged me.

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 09:18

Well independent schools always try to make out it's a huge honour to get any form of award OP, when it isn't really. But it creates a psychological pull.

Being a day girl in an all girls boarding school is also not a great idea.

I agree with the poster who said listen to your DD. You could possibly be doing her the worst favour ever by succumbing to pressure and insisting she goes. I gave my own DD4 the choice last year and even though she actually really liked the school in question (a top co-ed, not even single sex and a day school not boarding) she came down, on balance, with staying put. But I talked her through the merits all the way - and the results at the independent are far better. But at the end of the day it's their choice, or should be - certainly by Y9.

Original poster
Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:20

I think she could go back as we are in catchment. I think they have a few things lined up for the registered soon to be year 9s, taster days etc so she can do those. We'll have to decide by Easter.

My fear is that we turn the place down and things don't go well ion year 9 or 10 and we all regret it!

DH is meh about schooling in that he thinks they'll be fine anywhere so he's no help

OP posts:
PiperPublickOccurrences · 09/11/2018 09:20

Year 8 is how old? 12 ish? At that age children are not mature enough to see the whole picture. They are certainly not mature enough to have the final say on where they live or where they go to school.

TeddybearBaby · 09/11/2018 09:22

What an amazing opportunity!! I don’t envy you this. Just read your last post and she seems to be thriving. Why jeopardise that content feeling......

I haven’t been much help but just wanted to say I can see why you’d struggle with this and good luck, trust your instincts.

Pissedoffdotcom · 09/11/2018 09:22

Don't send her if she doesn't want to go. I did private school willingly, but the ones who were there forced were easy to spot. It's completely different to being in a state school. And even more so if single sex. Their results may be great but if she doesn't want to be there hers may not be

irregularegular · 09/11/2018 09:23

I agree that ultimately the decision lies with you, and there are multiple things to take into account. At the point at which we had to make the decision, my daughter didn't want to take up her grammar school place and wanted to go to the (very good) local comprehensive school with most of her friends. I'm now sure it was the right decision for her - and she would agree. But to be honest, it wasn't obvious at the time, and took a year to be clear.

Having said that, it is not obvious that the private school is the right decision. Just because it is private and gets better results, doesn't mean it is a better school, and certainly doesn't mean it is better for every child. They may largely get better results because they have a very different intake - it doesn't mean any given child gets better results than at another school. Nor does it mean your daughter will be happier.

Good luck, it is always hard to make these decisons as ultimately no-one can really know the answer. Don't abdicate from the decision, but don't assume private school is better either. And I agree with the others that you should all have another good look and get as much information and experience as possible.

Original poster
Plessis · 09/11/2018 09:23

Well independent schools always try to make out it's a huge honour to get any form of award OP, when it isn't really. But it creates a psychological pull

They have two scholarships for her discipline and there were over 40 at the day btw.

It's the bursary that's huge though

OP posts:
irregularegular · 09/11/2018 09:24

She's grown in confidence at the comp. She can talk to anyone, she loves the diversity. She's a mentor to a non hearing child. She's extremely popular and the teachers seem to really like her. I can't believe she'll be the same at the private school.

If you really believe all this, then why would you send her to the private school?

goodbyestranger · 09/11/2018 09:26

Going to the taster days sounds a good idea. DD4 did those and liked the new school increasingly after each event, but then got back to her own school and liked it just marginally more, or at least the familiarity with her friends etc. I admit I went right to the brink, before the first term's fees were due, and lost the deposit. Probably worth it to let DD4 make the decision with enough time to work through the pros and cons properly.

dapplegrey · 09/11/2018 09:29

Leave her where she is op. Imagine spending all day with posh people. I mean she might make some posh friends!

TranmereRover · 09/11/2018 09:30

We had this choice earlier in the year - places at outstanding grammar and large scholarship for private. All friends were going to the grammar.

We took the scholarship (DC made the decision but based on what we were saying) and it has been without question the best decision. The facilities and opportunities are phenomenal, the intake of kids is still diverse socially (& far more so racially given the broader catchment than the grammar). You should find out what goes along with the scholarship - if it's sport, presumably she'll get places in teams and travel for competitions etc (ours is academic and is "curated" so there are special classes / courses / events that go with it, utterly invaluable). The grammar would be good, but this is exceptional in so many ways that the grammar can't be.

bertielab · 09/11/2018 09:30

Ask her to go for a trial day / week.

bertielab · 09/11/2018 09:32

My eldest sat the exams for 4 private schools and got into all including one boarding. Then they say an exam for a state 11+ single sex school. On the taster say they fell in love with the school -and off they went.

Angelil · 09/11/2018 09:32

I agree that a taster day seems like a good idea before deciding - especially one involving sports.

homeishere · 09/11/2018 09:34

Sounds like Cheltenham Ladies College or similar to me. If your DD is academic enough then I’d send her. A school like that looks excellent on the CV and they have s proven and very successful track record in getting their pupils into Oxbridge. I agree with the pp who said a school like would be transformative in terms of life chances (not just in academic results but in terms of the doors it opens - the alumni of these schools go far and wide).

She’ll make new friends, and would be able to stay in touch with her current ones if she’ll be a day pupil. Main intake at yr 9 would mean all girls starting on the same footing.

As an adult you know best and you know the type of life a school such as this would afford your daughter. Also, single sex as she approaches GCSEs would no bad thing.

Deliphant · 09/11/2018 09:35

Private schools are definitely better for sport - no doubt about that. So if she goes to the state school you'll probably end up having to outsource - go to sport clubs outside of school, but that's doable.

A friend is v well off and I often wondered why they didn't send their DCs to a private school - turns out that they looked at a rather prestigious private school and their eldest have made it v clear at the interview /entrance exam that he didn't want to go! He has done very well in the state system.

I doubt if scholarships are handed out like sweets - these schools have to keep afloat.

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