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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

241 replies

QwertyLou · 08/11/2018 05:01

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/11/2018 05:06

Its a 4 year olds party, nobody i know or have ever known would expect alcohol to be present. In fact, im sure many would be horrified that alcohol is at a kids party, what if they pick up an adults cup and drink some?
If its a kids party, kid friendly drinks only is what most would expect surely.

Bananajuice · 08/11/2018 05:06

I would never expect alcohol at a kids birthday party. Maybe send a text to everyone saying a few people have asked what to bring but you don't need anything as you'll have beer/ wine for those wanting a glass?

Sciurus83 · 08/11/2018 05:07

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. The informant should tell the other parent discreetly as they have the information, you really don't need to put it on the invite

WildCherryBlossom · 08/11/2018 05:12

I have been to lots of children's birthday parties where adults are offered an alcoholic drink (definitely the norm in my neighbourhood).

You could have an elderflower cordial or something available as an alternative for people driving which might spare someone the awkwardness of refusing the champagne.

Alfie190 · 08/11/2018 05:14

It is a children's party, not an adults party. Yes, I think most people from the UK would be very surprised at there being any alcohol on offer.

shearwater · 08/11/2018 05:15

Just don't have a toast and a glass of champagne, regardless of whether alcoholics are present, as you say, no-one drinks much anyway. Why not then save it for later, and a small, family celebration?

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2018 05:16

Hmm.

There is really no expectation for alcohol to be served at an afternoon kids' party.

Having said that, most people won't drop and run at a 4YO's party, so depending on the venue, many people probably would get some beer and wine in to make it all more bearable for the adults. This isn't unusual. But it's also not expected, per se.

We've had invitations for that sort of event, that have said something along the lines of - parents welcome to stay and enjoy a glass of bubbly.

I don't think you have to do this, but maybe it's a decent way of avoiding an awkward situation, whereby someone might implode because a glass of prosecco and children are inhabiting the same sphere.

NameChanger365 · 08/11/2018 05:25

Is it a kids party or a family party? (I.e are the adults explicitly invited in their own right [family party] or are just children invited and some adults may stay because their children aren’t yet comfortable being dropped at a party [kids party]?

If it’s a kids party I wouldn’t ecpect alcohol in the sense of thinking someone a bad host if they didn’t offer it. I would expect the host NOT to drink (if you’re responsible for other people’s young children you shouldn’t be drinking) I would however not be surprised if other adults than the host were offered a glass of something alcoholic.
I’ve definitely been offered a glass of wine in such a situation.

If it’s a family party i’d expect their to be alcohol.

I’m UK based and all the kids party experience I have is UK based.

But practically speaking, if you’re worried and want to reassure yourself, i’d do what Bananajuice suggests

blackcat86 · 08/11/2018 05:33

I think it depends on the type of party. If you're hosting a big family dinner, bbq or similar then I would expect their to be alcohol. If it's a bouncy house and pass the parcel in the back garden without parents necessarily being expected to stay then I wouldn't. As others have said you are responsible for hosting so unless you've specifically invited parents in their own right I would be pretty annoyed to pick my child up to find that adults had been drinking. I think it also depends on who and how much. I have some friends who would easily get through a bottle of wine and others who may have a casual beer and just be happy with one.im also in the UK.

Unicyclethief · 08/11/2018 05:33

They are from the U.K.? Then I don’t see the problem, yes it is a kids party, but I would offer wine when parents pick their kids up after a play date at 4pm on a Tuesday. It is normal.

Kittycuddles · 08/11/2018 05:37

This is irrelevent I'm sorry but it's bugging me. What does PFBAO stand for please? :)

WitchyMcWitchface · 08/11/2018 05:42

Surely if the numbers are high many will drive to the party.
So you would have a nice elderflower dirnk on offer as well.

echt · 08/11/2018 05:50

Never been to a child's party in the UK where alcohol was not offered. Not the focus, of course, but there. Also plenty of attractive no-alcohol drinks too.

No need to warn the "vulnerable", they're adult and can make their own decisions.

Would you warn vegans that eggs may be on parts of the menu? Of course not.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2018 05:50

Precious first born ... and only??

Snitzelvoncrumb · 08/11/2018 05:51

We often have alcohol at kids parties, I have never mentioned it on the invitation.

sackrifice · 08/11/2018 05:55

Just...don't have the champagne. It isn't needed at a 4 yr olds party.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/11/2018 05:57

Do you mean don't have champagne, as in Champagne?

Or don't even have bubbly?

EdisonLightBulb · 08/11/2018 05:58

I would never serve or expect to see alcohol at a kid party, even when family and friends were invited, and I'm a bit of a lush!

MoaningSickness · 08/11/2018 06:07

Round here, for kids parties where the kids are young enough that adults stay, the venue seems to determine alcohol. i.e. at a kiddy venue, just tea and coffee, but at someone's house there is usually drink on offer (and yes the hosts have a drink too).

We're talking one glass of drink, no idea why some on the thread are acting like its outrageous or the parents are getting drunk!

ImpendingDisaster · 08/11/2018 06:09

I've always served alcohol at my children's parties provided there were adults there; alcoholics have to figure out how to deal with this.

Don't worry about it.

gamerwidow · 08/11/2018 06:18

Most kids parties don’t have alcohol served but at the same time it’s not so outlandish that I would be shocked to be offered an alcoholic drink at a kids party at someone’s home.
I’ve been offered wine on a play date and that’s pretty much the same thing.
I would mention it to them but I expect going to a party where adults might have one drink will be a different issue to going to a work do where lots of drink will be flowing and it’s harder to say no.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/11/2018 06:24

I have never been to a children's party or hosted a children's party where alcohol was served. It isn't the norm round here. Tea and coffee yes, but alcohol, no.

EK36 · 08/11/2018 06:24

Ive never ever been offered alcohol at a kids party. If you want to them that's up to you. Think you should phrase the offer carefully when asking what parents want to drink so that there's no presssure. As in, " would you like a tea/coffee/soft drink or wine?" And not ," would you like a glass of wine..no? Soft drink?" Think your friend should mention the alcohol to the other parent concerned. So she knows, as it may be a problem for her.

tempester28 · 08/11/2018 06:28

If it is purely a kids party then there would be no alcohol but if it were a birthday party + family party with aunts uncles ect then there would be alcohol on offer

You could send a note saying that you have extended family attending and ithere will be alcohol available to those who want it. Then they have the option of only the non alcoholic parent attending or not at all. Or you might find that it is now not a problem to be around drinkers.

TintarellaDiLuna · 08/11/2018 06:30

Australia? If it's a your home or a park, yes, it's quite common to see wine and beers for the adults. Never seen a toast with bubbles though.

At a play centre/trampoline park/hired space, never seen booze for the parents. A coffee run to a real cafe and some fancy cheese is always welcome.

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