I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

[QwertyLou]

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

Overthinking this imho. Alkie is an adult & can make excuses & leave early if uncomfortable. I bet somehow they manage to walk around supermarket or walk by open-air pubs, they will have coping mechanisms.

After many years of parties I have never had alcohol at a children's party so they might not expect it to be served. You weren't being insensitive not saying alcohol will be served as you didn't know, even now you do know there isn't really any way to discretely let them know without embarrassing them.

If parents are driving home after I would not serve any alcohol, they may still legally be under the limit in England (borderline here in Scotland where the limit is much lower for very valid reasons) but I would not knowingly enable driving children home after alcohol at any level.

Save the champagne for a private toast after the party.

Sorry to be flippant but this reminds me of the episode of Father Ted where the guy from the BBC comes to visit and is an alcoholic!

Often wine/beer is offered at kids parties around here. As well as coffee and soft drinks. No big deal.

Your informant should stay out of it - you can't create an alcohol free zone for someone. They have to be able to say no. Your job as host is just to make sure there are options.

it's a child's birthday, not really a party ....when they are so little and everyone stays. I know that seems like splitting hairs, but there is a difference imo

Much more a social gathering for the other toddlers and parents,with the parents making sure their PFB doesn't face plant in the cake or pee on the dog.....and as such it's not like adults supervising the hokeycokey and pass the parcel are going to be three sheets to the wind.

I think a tray of glasses might be the way to go, let folks help themselves. If you have only a couple of bottles of champagne and more non alcoholic choices, plus tea/coffee then there's plenty of options and you avoid the "would you like a drink? or are you a raving drunkard who cannot sniff the barmaid's apron " scenario, just an airy "help yourselves to a drink!"

and as a PP said....Susan from accounts sounds like a terrible gossip

It would be a terrific insult to recovering alcoholics to warn them about alcohol being served anywhere. Part of their recovery is dealing with situations where alcohol is around.

I'm eight years sober and I would be pretty offended to be treated like this. It's judgmental and patronising. Alcohol is everywhere, it's part of life - if an addict wants to drink they'll go to the pub or off licence, not mug passing parents at a birthday party.

Your 'information' seems to be based on gossip and hearsay and there really is no need to get yourself all ruffled on that basis.

Ime there has been a glass of something's at first birthdays more to congratulate the parents getting through the first year. After that it's tea and coffee until the kids are old enough to drop and run. I wouldn't expect it a 4th birthday tbh.

My kid's only three, but he's been to about ten kid's parties, and I think three of them had alcohol? So not expected, but certainly not unusual.
As PP said, it depends a bit on venue/time. 10am in a soft play centre, no. 3pm at someone's house, yes.

I'm from the UK and its pretty normal to offer a glass or two of prosecco/wine or a beer at a children's birthday party if you're hosting it at your house. Obviously quite a few people won't bother if they're driving, pregnant etc.

I have a lot of sympathy for this person but I really can't see how they can completely avoid any situation where someone else might fancy a glass of vino. Do they never go out for a meal? Visit someone's house where alcohol might be offered? I think it would be very odd if you specified that alcohol was going to be served, it's making a big deal out of nothing, like saying you're going to be serving cocktail sausages and birthday cake.

Have been to lots of parties where wine and beer is offered. Have also been to organised parties at venues with a bar. Mind you anyone (adult) dropping in here is always offered tea, coffee or wine.

Do they never go out for a meal? Visit someone's house where alcohol might be offered?

If they’re in the early phases of recovering from alcoholism, they might not.

It's a kid's birthday party. YABU.

Don't serve alcohol.

Are you in New Zealand?

Alcohol at parties (kids party surely won't be more than 1 glass?) is part and parcel of every day life. Recovering alcoholics will have encountered this scenario many, many times. If they are very new or not yet stable in recovery they will probably avoid situations that are very, very drinky ie a stag do. I would be breezy "hello, what can i get you? we have pinot grigio, elderflower or coffee"

NRTFT

My DM is a recovering alcoholic and it makes it a lot easier for her if she is warned, that way she can get herself into the right mind set. She does sometimes find it very difficult, especially if others are drinking.

I'd get whoever told you this to warn them that there will be alcohol or if you could, warn them yourself however maybe just make it sound like you're letting people know there's alcohol.

When the person who told OP is a junior employee who doesn't actually know the 'recovering alcoholic' on a personal basis. That would be like me strolling up to your boss's boss and saying 'hey, let me tell you about that party you're going to on Saturday, you do know there will be drink?' So inappropriate! That's why I think OP needs to forget she ever heard this piece of juicy gossip.

I think your informant needs not to stick her beak in, it’s not her place to tell you that her colleague is an alcoholic

Agree with this.

Totally normal in my circle to serve wine/beer/ at a childrens’ party, I agree with others that surely most adults know that there is a possibility that alcohol might be served at someone’s home and you have to work out how to deal with.

It only annoys me if there's fuck all else to drink and you are reduced to asking your host if you could possibly have some tap water please.

Informant should tell Parent. Informant is judge, gossipy and interfering imo.

Um. Totally normal to serve alcohol in moderation in my circles at an afternoon party. In fact, I don't think I have been to a preschool afternoon party where a glass of prosecco wasn't on offer for the parents at cake time. Have also been to birthday parties which were essentially family barbecues with beer, etc.

We didn't serve alcohol at DS's because it was late morning/lunchtime and that felt a bit OTT!

Prosecco and bubbles is the normalised face of drinking. You may as well offer a shot of whisky.

If celebrating won't be glass o9f bubbly is what you normally do then i say just do it. You cannot be responsible for the choices of other adults. If people do not wish to partake in the alcohol then they choose the non-alcoholic alternative.

I am assuming the alcohol will be served towards the end of the party when the cake is brought out and they won't be having alcohol thrust at them as they arrive? You will have ample time to say 'Cake and bubbly being served after this game' or whatever allowing the person in question to make their excuses and leave if they want to.

^prosecco and bubbles is the normalised face of drinking. You may as well offer a shot of whisky.*

One shot of 40% proof whisky contains 1 unit of alcohol. A glass of champagne or prosecco is usually about 1.5 units.

What point are you trying to make?