I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

[QwertyLou]

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

Nothing wrong with alcohol being served, there are adults there and ahock horror most adults drink. As for the alcholic, no there was no need whatsoever to mention it on the invite, I am sure she can out her big girl pants on.

There had been alcohol at every kids party I've been to where it's been at someone's house. Maybe not at the soft play ones (where it's most needed!)

I wouldn't worry about it. There is alcohol available everywhere, you're not going to tempt someone off the wagon by serving a few glasses of champagne at a kids party.

You are overthinking this OP.

I’m sure he’s has much stronger temptations to deal with than a glass of champagne at a kiddie party.

You're in Aus aren't you OP? Yup- the norm here, but in the UK definitely not. But if they now live there, they had better get used to it, or refuse pretty much every event. Only kids party's that haven't offered me grog is if they are at a venue.

YANBU. I have been to many kids parties where there has been a glass of fizz or beer offered, and none has more than one or two. The parent in question presumably can handle a handful of parents having a glass of something under these circumstances- it’s not the same as going to a bar etc. Which I can understand someone with alcohol issues avoiding entirely. That adult is responsible for themselves and will have to get used to facing alcohol being die things. They aren’t your responsibility so of course you should have put the alcohol thing on the invite and you do t know then we’ll enough to broach the subject either. I’m sure they’ll be fine.

I’d hoik my judgy pants up a bit to be honest if I went to a 4yos birthday party and the adults were drinking alcohol.
I’ve been to hundreds of kids parties over the years and never once seen this including at afternoon parties.

I can’t imagine anyone would expect it.

Oh, just realised you’re not in the U.K. well if it’s the done thing where you live crack on. They will just have to accept that it’s part of life where they now live.

I'm English in the UK. Been to plenty of kids parties without alcohol and plenty with too when the parents lingered afterwards.

I don't think you are being unreasonable by offering alcohol - the adult in question will need to learn to exit places or abstain as many non drinkers do.

Thanks everyone.

@AlmostAJillSandwich adults will hold their glasses.. I've never known this to be a problem at kids' parties. We're just talking a glass of champagne to make a toast.. no one will be inebriated and dancing on the table!

@Bananajuice and @Sciurus83 both excellent ideas but unfortunately I don't have their number (they didn't RSVP via phone). I asked the kindy (nursery) if they could share it but they can't, for understandable privacy reasons. I rarely see them at drop off or pick up but I could loiter around and try and catch them in person.

Informant isn't coming to the party and wouldn't really be able to say anything to Parent - they are very junior to Parent and do not really interact. Informant had been stewing over whether they could even tell me without breaching workplace confidentiality but was thinking about the kids and potential for awkwardness.

@WildCherryBlossom will be plenty of drink options - OJ, lemonade, water - elderflower cordial is a lovely idea which I might get as well. Lots of people won't drink for various reasons including driving - few live close enough to walk. But if someone who is alcoholic is presented with a glass of champagne v glass of OJ... is it really hard for them to take the OJ instead of the champagne? I assume so, hence have decided not to attend functions with alcohol.

I know if someone gives me chocolate when I'm not mentally prepared - I eat it, and sometimes end up eating the whole box! And then regret it later!

@shearwater maybe I should do this but the party would feel kind of incomplete without a toast.. we had them at his first birthday party (when I was BF so didn't drink) and second and third birthdays.

I couldn't enjoy it later with family as none of them drink (just me). The friends who have enjoyed a glass with me at previous parties won't want to stay after the party, since they'll want to get their kids home to bed... it would be nice to end the party with a glass of champagne.

@Kittycuddles Precious First Born & Only Child (@TheDowagerCuntess got it!). So I haven't hosted or attended a tonne of parties yet. But so far I've always been offered a drink (at afternoon parties) so would like to do this.

@NameChanger365 both... family and close friends will be there and also 5-6 nursery friends, their parents and some nursery teachers (I had an AIBU just on that - happily resolved!).

@echt I wouldn't warn the vegans. But if someone had a peanut allergy I would avoid dishes containing peanuts. Is alcohol more like that (?). I.e. just being around it (for someone with alcoholism) can be bad, as they might not have that ability to say no. Like me and chocolate.

Sorry for the essay. And thank you to everyone.

echt I wouldn't warn the vegans. But if someone had a peanut allergy I would avoid dishes containing peanuts. Is alcohol more like that

No, it isn't. They are a grown up and able to make their own decisions.

No, it's really not like an allergy. It would be a terrific insult to recovering alcoholics to warn them about alcohol being served anywhere. Part of their recovery is dealing with situations where alcohol is around.

And it's really not 'not the done thing' in the UK. I expect it's like most other things - you inhabit a social circle and what's customary varies from one circle to the next.

Definitely not the norm here. I only have one set of friends who offer alcohol at kids' parties and they are definitely known as the functional alcoholics of the group.

If it were a big family BBQ tied in with a birthday, maybe. But not an actual kid's party.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to offer bubbly, etc. As long as you have soft drink alternatives. Just ask each person as you are serving. Enjoy the party!

OP your party sounds way better then the 4 year old birthday parties I have been with.

Ok maybe I am missing the point on the alcohol thing likely the parent will drive giving her an excuse, also as pp have said it’s part of the recovery to be able to turn it down. Don’t over think it. Also don’t work my about the naesayers on here and have your Champagne.

I’m in UK, I’ve been to a few kids parties where they’ve had wine available for the adults, and I’ve done it occasionally (def not an alcoholic😂).
You sound lovely to be concerned about this, but I think a pp is right, that said person needs to be able to handle being in this situation.

Not “with” but “at”

It’s early

Can you just ask your mutual friend to let her know in advance that there will be alcohol at the party. That way you don't have to make a big thing of it and mutual friend can just subtly say "oh by the way just so you know X will be serving wine for toasts at the party" then she can make her own decision before the party.

If serving booze for toasts in the norm where you are, then alcoholic will be aware of hat. Have you ever received an invitation that says “alcohol will be served”? Of couynot. So there you are.

I used to have a problem with alcohol, was teetotal for 14 years, currently drinking again but have managed my approach much better in maturity.

I never expressly avoided alcoholic parties or events but did used to make my excuses when it was likely that people were getting drunk and the grog would be free flowing. I personally would have been okay to say no to an offered glass but I obviously cannot speak for others and their decisions.

I think it's important to tell them, and if it's impossible for your informant then it must be you. Gonna be a tricky convo though cos it's gonna look like someone's been talking about him. If you can find a way to be talking to them and somehow mention there's gonna be grog without being so direct about it maybe that would be better but I don't know how good an actor you are

You really should tell them though, imagine if you offer and they take it, or if you somehow neglect to offer them specifically and they come and ask for one.

Struggling to imagine what it must be like being an alcohol avoider in straya. I'm Australian but I live in the UK. Drinking is such an integral part of life there, and because people seem, in general, to have a different attitude towards alcohol, it is way more socially acceptable to do it at just about any occasion

Good luck, you've got yourself a bit of a sticky situation here 🍺

I think the person in question is being a bit Ott. If he can't go anywhere alcohol may be served. No need to put it on the invite Imo. And yes I have had alcohol at birthday parties...the shock from some people here is overly dramatic.

Please ignore all the people saying he needs to learn

He's an adult parent, he's made his choice, his decision is possibly based on the fact that he can't be around it

I don't live in Aus or the UK and our children's parties always involve a small amount of alcohol. I grew up in another different country and there too there was alcohol at children's parties. People aren't getting smashed. Where I live at the moment it's almost a bit of a bribe by our parent friends to try and get us non-parent friends to hang out with them.

Don't have alcohol at a kids birthday party, problem solved. Noone needs to be drinking in the afternoon. Some nicer adult food might be welcome and a cup of tea.

I think it's still uncommon for alcohol to be served. It does happen sometimes, but there is no expectation of booze.

There is also no tradition whatsoever on putting 'alcohol will be served' on invitations. So I don't think you should have done that.