I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

[QwertyLou]

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

In the circs of your most recent post, I would warn them--or make the decision not to serve alcohol. Culturally, this thread has shown that alcohol is not a cultural norm in the UK in the same way - so it is quite likely the parent described isn't aware of this norm in Australia, given that you say that they avoid situations where alcohol is served at this point in their recovery.

London dweller here who has served alcohol at kids' parties. I don't expect it at other people's parties, but wouldn't be surprised if it was served either.

Is your informant a person who likes to involve herself (I think you said she was female?) in other people's lives, perhaps to an excessive degree? It seems quite possible to me, having read what you've said above, that she likes to feel involved in the situation and thus is perhaps (probably unconsciously) exaggerating the problem this could cause? It seems very unlikely that she's had an in-depth discussion with Parent about Parent's feelings should alcohol turn up in a slightly unexpected place. It sounds as though she could have put 2 and 2 together and made 5...

Still no, as it is likely confidential information that he would wonder how you knew. Not every alcoholic keeps it secret but neither does every one announce it.

In a similar situation my partner thinks he would have removed himself and asked another parent to watch his child whilst he stepped out for a bit. (So he didn’t need to make his child leave the party if he were having a wobble)

According to my tally, 29 UK people say "sure why not?" to alcohol at a 4yo party while 31 say NO!!"
31 of you are going to the wrong parties!
I had a very very boozy 4 year olds party recently (disclaimer- DP stayed sober and was responsible parent).
Tally me up on the alcohol side.

However that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t warm them - if you can do it without causing offence.

Still feel the same, I'd look for a subtle way to mention there's gonna be drink there, especially given your update

I would saying the UK for a child's afternoon party it would be far more common to have tea/coffee on offer for adults than wine/alcohol. I can't imagine anyone in my social circle offering alcohol at that time in those circumstances. It is therefore entirely possible that this person has accepted the invitation without giving any thought to the fact that alcohol will be offered. However, to what extent that is your problem to solve given that it is normal to you, is more debatable. If you move abroad you do open yourself up to experiencing different social norms and you do have to adapt yourself!

They can't expect you to be a mind reader and for you to know without any prior warning that you're meant to alert them to the fact there will be alcohol.

If this is how they're choosing to deal with their situation at the moment then the onus has to be on them to find out if there's going to be alcohol and then decide if they want to attend.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to offer guests to your house a glass of something alcoholic during an afternoon celebration, and something that often happens at similar gatherings I go to or host.

London based parent of 3 here. Party at soft play/sports centre, no booze. Party where parents drop child at my house and come back to collect later then a glass of wine/ fizz offered if they want to stay and chat at pick up time. No booze while it's just me and a load of other peoples kids. Party for little ones with parents staying, wine and beer available. Good luck with the party. I would do as is normal for you and your family

I've only occasionally encountered alcohol at a kids party - generally 1 year old's where obviously the party is for the parents anyway, what one year old wants a bunch of strangers turning up! I've never served alcohol at kids parties but then I've never expected parents to stay past 2.

@QwertyLou Scotland's limit is 50mg in 100ml of blood, it was lowered around 4 years ago and has been very successful, all people I know now abstain completely before driving, and it has raised awareness of driving the next day and if drinking the night before accept they wont be able to safely drive until later afternoon/after dinner. Most of Europe is between 20mg and 50mg.

England still remains at a ridiculous 80mg, not sure if any other European country is this high.

On the heels of your latest post - sounds like a complete nightmare. I really don't know what I'd do.

I'd never have adults to my house past say, 1pm for a social occasion and not offer alcohol. It would be like having people over for Sunday lunch and not serving wine. Equally, I wouldn't want a newly recovered alcoholic falling off the wagon at my house.

What time is the party? If it's 11 or 12, should be fine.

The OP said it's in the afternoon.

Couldn't you ask your mutual friend to pass on their phone number. Call them directly and say that your mutual friend has told you that they have avoided functions where alcohol will be served as she knows that you would be serving it. Reassure them you guys weren't gossiping but you didn't want to put them in a position that they weren't happy with. If your mutual friend knows it mustn't be a secret. If you can't get they're number then as your mutual friend to tell them.

Yeah nix the booze totally inappropriate

It would be like serving chocolate cake and inviting someone who is desperately trying to loose weight - no difference

This person is an adult and has a choice whether or not to partake

Don't change your plans for 1 person - why should you???

Besides if they're going to fall off the wagon they'll do it anyway regardless of where they are or go to the shop and buy it themselves. My auntie is a recovering alcoholic and we all have drink in our houses she's never taken any or been offended as us drinking.

Your informant friend knows an awful lot of stuff that is none of his/her business, by the sound of it. That's the person you want to watch out for, the gossip-spreading meddler. It might well be that this alleged 'alcoholic' just had a tummy upset, or thought she was PG and therefore off the booze, but your acquaintance has jumped to conclusions and is busy spreading the word.

London mum here, and grateful recipient of much needed wine at kids parties. At 10am in soft play? Probably not, although it would help! After 3 or 4pm at someone's home, yes please.

I would approach it along the lines of 'looking forward to seeing you. Please feel welcome to stay for a glass of wine after.' Then people can choose to pickup and leave, or stay and chat over a drink. Get this message out to everyone - it will get passed around and someone in the know can hopefully alert Parent.

Hope you have fun and don't worry too much about this!

I served wine at my kid's party - mainly to make it less dreadful. I think I'd appreciate a heads up if I was trying to avoid booze though

To echo everyone else ever... why the fuck are you serving alcohol at a 4 year olds birthday party? How weird.

To echo everyone else ever... why the fuck are you serving alcohol at a 4 year olds birthday party? How weird.

What are you talking about? Loads of people have been to kids parties with alcohol available.

To echo everyone else ever... why the fuck are you serving alcohol at a 4 year olds birthday party? How weird

You aren’t echoing me! Perhaps you and your friends can’t be trusted to drink responsibly but my friends can. I’d have big relaxed parties at home for my kids when they were little and would invite a bunch of kids and adults. They were fun social events for the kids and for the adults. I always offered alcohol along with non alcoholic drinks. TBH I barely drink myself but Even so I don’t see why you can’t have a drink at a kids party as long as no one is getting tip set or drink driving.

OP if i was that newly off the booze and a bit wobbly i wouldn't attend at all in case you served booze. But i really absolutely wouldn't expect you to alter your life cos i can't hold my drink. In all honesty I was pretty brutal and grimly determined in the early days and would have turned down anything high energy or potentially depleting. If an alcoholic is determined to drink or not drink they just will or won't. The only thing I would say is please leave soft drinks in sealed cans - i get nervy if i can't guarantee there hasn't been a cocktail / mocktail mix up. I also turn up places with sufficient diet coke for me just in case. And i never give wine as a gift at dinner parties etc just flowers and chocolates.

I would be delighted to be offered a glass of champagne at a kids party!!