I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

[QwertyLou]

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

I'm saying if you offered a shot of whisky it would seem weird but that people think prosecco is almost barely alcohol. It's socially acceptable and perhaps it shouldn't be - in the day when a lot of people are driving.

My DP is a recovering alcoholic, 20 years sober, and would be offended if anyone approached him to warn him that alcohol would be served at a party.

As disappointing as it would be for you, if the parent does take a glass at the party, that could be the trigger for a bender and hell for their children.

While ultimately that responsibility is the parents and not yours, in your place now you know, I would just replace the alcohol with something sparkling and non alcoholic. There'll be plenty more parties in the future.

As a recovering (6 years sober) alcoholic i can tell you we walk amongst you, all day, every day. You don't need to pre-warn or do anything weird, just have a soft drink on offer or coffee. If they are that fragile in recovery they will probably avoid gatherings and get someone else to drop their kid. They will take their own precautions if need be.

Flavia if they take a glass and go on a bender they would have done the anyway. Alcoholics have feet and car keys, if they don't like a scenario or something is too drinky they just leave. Or I do anyway.

thighofrelief I'm coming from the side of the children, not the parent. Yes to I can't change, control ect ect but not serving up alcohol in front of what sounds like a fragile alcoholic isn't exactly a massive sacrifice.

I meant to say if celebrating with a glass of bubbly!

Must check text before pressing post!

Your informant might not have the whole story about why this person appears to avoid alcohol. It might be down to their own alcoholism, it might be down to experiences due to alcohol. It might be down to a medical condition or religion.

If you can chat as pp has said about 'looking forward toasting the birthday boy with champagne' and get the message out that way, I think you will have done all you can to ensure that all parents will find out one way or another - other parents might have an issue about it that you are not aware of. Or they might not.

Your informant has massively breeched confidentiality by sharing information which isn't theirs to share.

Depending on how long the parent has been in Australia they might also be aware of the wider drinking culture and made their own decisions as to which events they will and won't attend. They might be fine at a predominantly child centred event.

Easy -
Have champagne for those that want it or orange juice / shloer for those that don't (driving etc) but I have never served champagne at any of my kids parties......

I've been to lots of children's parties in the UK and other countries where alcohol has been served. It's completely normal (although of course not obligatory).

I've never heard of anyone pre-warning a recovering alcoholic about alcohol at a party. Alcohol is everywhere- they will have their own way of dealing with it. Believe it or not, most recovering alcoholics are perfectly capable of being around alcohol (they have to be, or they wouldn't cope in the world at all). It's their issue and not something for you to worry about at all. Do the party your way.

I wouldn't expect alcohol at a four year old's party but would be bloody delighted if there was some. 

I'm saying if you offered a shot of whisky it would seem weird but that people think prosecco is almost barely alcohol. It's socially acceptable and perhaps it shouldn't be - in the day when a lot of people are driving.

I’ve been to a christening where all the (adult) guests were offered a shot of vodka as a toast.

One glass of prosecco. One glass of wine. One shot of something else. One single gin and tonic. None of those put you over the limit for driving.

People have to take personal responsibility for their own alcohol consumption.

My kids are 4 and 1 and there has been alcohol at every single one of their birthday parties. But then I haven't done the whole inviting nursery friends thing yet, it's just been family and close friends.

I think your informant could have told the alleged alcoholic there will be a drink available and let them decide. Still could actually, why don't you suggest that and put a stop to their gossip

If the person with the alcohol problem chooses not to attend, what's the big deal? I can't see a problem offering a glass of wine to parents. It's not like you're planning on circulating with trays of shots.

Ooh I've been to 3 for the past 3 weekends (poor me).
2 out of 3 we had fizz. I suspect the other one didn't because it was on a farm 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm new to all of this but even when my DS turned 2 we had alcohol available.

Oh, and a quick PSA for all the 'but what if they have to DRIIIIIIIIIIIVE?' pearl-clutchers: not everyone is car-dependent. And if you are gibbering in terror at the possibility of a volatile parent having one sip of bucks' fizz and then going on a bender, remember that irrational, irresponsible parents might also take offence or pitch a tantrum if their PFB doesn't win Pass the Parcel, or they might have an attack of Attention Seeker Syndrome over whether the food is sufficiently organic, gluten-free, vegan and home-made... It sounds like you've already got one ASS in your friendship circle as it is. If you don't panic/obey on the booze issue, will this person find another reason to put a clammy hand on your arm and criticise some other aspect of the party out of 'concern', I wonder?

Teetotaler here. Baby's first birthday in 2 weeks. Serving champagne (daddy just finished 7 weeks of radiotherapy and chemotherapy) never have I served at a child's birthday before but fuck it could be the last and want to mark it with fucking unicorns and Christmas trees and anything I damm well want and need and have some fucking joy in the house. Also a lot of parents have proceccos and food platters for parents ( pre hubby CANCER I days served home made meals and American shakes etc for parents because I like to feed and that) so do what you want. Not your problem a child's parent is an alcoholic and your friend for suggesting put alcohol is being served is a knob head in my opinion. I say fuck it enjoy your baby turning 4 and maybe have so swinging from the light fittings if that's your thing.....

@BrokenWing I didn't know Scotland has a lower drinking limit than England, why is that? that's my new thing learned for today

I didn't know Scotland has a lower drinking limit than England, why is that

It's our SNP dominated Nanny state! Apparently there was a risk that if you used the wrong mouthwash in the morning you could be over the limit.

From the BBC The expert also said a single pint of standard beer or a glass of wine "should" leave people under the new drink-drive limit, if they waited a few hours before getting behind the wheel

It's an attempt to reduce road deaths.

It is only 1 glass of champagne, heavens.

As you said there are going to be lots of nibbles and other non-alcoholic drinks there.

Maybe have a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling processco or similar. Offer both.

I think you are fine. Be discreet and sympathetic offer an alternative with no fuss.

Parent is very early in recovery. Also quite recently arrived from U.K. (child still "talks funny" in my son's opinion). This will be their first Christmas here, and I think this is their first kids' party.

According to my tally, 29 UK people say "sure why not?" to alcohol at a 4yo party while 31 say NO!!" If there are more I will tally them up.

I'm relieved the split seems even(ish). Informant (who has lived in London) thought alcohol at a kids party was a definite no there. And that my invite would seem a nice, easy "safe" one for a newly recovering person to accept when first returning to social things (Parent doesn't attend dinner parties because wine is usual at dinner).

@Mumunderthemoon yes that is my concern but how? I don't have their phone no. or social media. If I did, I could dash off a breezy "group" text message or facebook post to discreetly let them know.

@user1484424013 sorry to hear you and hubby have been through the wringer and huge congratulations on your babe turning one... may your house be filled with joy, unicorns, Christmas trees & Champagne (or drink of hubby's choice)

It sounds like it’s the cultural norm to offer a drink at kids’ parties where you are, so the parent is going to encounter this problem eventually. At least you are aware. I do think that the kindest thing is to give them a heads-up but in a VERY general, non-specific way.

How about a text or email to all of the guests, confirming party details or requesting any dietary info, and including a breezy line like:

‘Looking forward to toasting Jack’s birthday with you all and a glass of something fizzy!’

sorry for thread-sitting, last one I promise. That was interesting to hear from people who think Parent might be offended so thank you @NightmareDaemon @thighofrelief @weezol @easyandy101 @whenIsnappedandfailed

Just to clarify, Parent is not eight or 20 years recovered, just a couple months (I have reason to consider the info reliable) and is committed (for now) to avoid situations where alcohol may served. In that context would the person you know have wanted a heads up? Or still no?