I’ve invited a (possible) alcoholic to a (definitely) alcoholic party… HELP!

[QwertyLou]

It my son’s 4th birthday soon (PFBAO). For the first time, people I don’t know well are coming to his party – his closest friends from kindy (nursery) and their parents.

When I say “alcoholic party”… no one will be knocking back Jim Beams or skolling Vodka – just a glass of champagne when we sing Happy Birthday, with wine and beer available. I wouldn’t expect much alcohol to be consumed at all – most of my family is teetotal and many of the Mums attending are nursing or pregnant. But I am definitely looking forward to sharing a nice glass with friends while the kids hoe into the cake!

I’m not in the U.K. but one of my son’s friends is from there.

Someone I know happens to work with one of that child’s parents (“Parent”) and tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. Which to me feels like saying “birthday cake will be served,” as it is an afternoon party – wouldn’t people expect a glass of wine? I’d feel like a bad hostess not to offer one. To me the timing (afternoon) is a clear signal that alcohol will or may be served.

But it seems UK kids afternoon parties don’t usually involve alcohol.

Apparently Parent has experienced problems with alcohol in the past and has made an informed decision not to attend events where alcohol will be served. My informant is aware of this only because their mutual workplace sometimes involves alcohol, I don’t want to say too much as it is not my info to share.

I’m now wondering (as they are from UK) whether they accepted the invitation blissfully unaware that alcohol will be served?

And should I let them know? Would it BU just to leave them to say “no thanks” when the champagne comes around.

Or is that like someone putting chocolate in front of me when I’m not expecting it. WWYD?

If the informant doesn’t know the parent well beyond work, and not well enough to actually talk to them then I doubt she knows exactly how and why the parent has avoided functions with alcohol. It might be very specific to work functions or open bars or colleagues drinking or a host of reasons. I wouldn’t be worrying.

Only the known pissheads round here serve booze at kids parties. Sad but true.

Same Plessis 😂

Lots of pearl clutching here! Imagine to horror of serving a glass of alcohol at a kids party. 😜
I think there is no problem in general with having a glass of bubbly if adults are staying. You have a range of drinks available and the alcoholic guest has to function in a society where alcohol may be served. If you see this parent prior to the party you could casually mention toasting the birthday boy with some bubbles. Balls in their court. But they must realise there will be occasions where they'll come into unexpected contact with alcohol and know they have to deal with it.

Op isn’t asking if people expect there to be alcohol as a children’s party, because in her culture this is the norm.
She’s asking if she is committed a faux pas by inviting someone who has potentially got alcohol problem ( and who is from the U.K. so not used to kids party with alcohol) without flagging up to them that there will be alcohol.

Op do you know the person well enough to mention it? Could you put on social media “ looking forward to a glass of bubbly and cake at my child’s party”?

I think it’s a bit absurd really. Whilst saying one doesn’t serve alcohol at a children’s party, if you actually think about it, yes, we do. Not always but do think about it. If the party is in a home, in the afternoon, I have seen mum’s having a glass of wine - a glass.

I have been to children’s birthday parties that were held at a family friendly pub with great children’s play area. Some parents had a glass of wine or a lager shandy.

When I have had children’s parties just for the children, no parents staying, never served alcohol. It’s when you’re inviting adults and it’s no longer just a children’s party so if you’re making alcohol available to the adults, i don’t see that as a problem nor should you need to put on invitations that alcohol fill be served.

It’s the other parents choice to choose an alcoholic beverage or not.

In fact, thinking about it, I well recall my DD 3rd birthday party. Glorious sunny early September day, bouncy castle in the garden, BBQ going, many friends and family invited as well as DD friends and their parents from nursery. It was not a rigid two hour child only birthday party but a multigenerational party. Adults had beer and wine offered. I didn’t put alsocol would be served on invitation and don’t think it was wrong not to do so. I live in the UK. It’s not a cultural thing to put on invitations.

In the uk here. I've been to a few kids parties held at homes where alcohol has been served. In fact I went to a very pleasant 1 year olds party where I was offered a gin and tonic just this weekend. I don't get the issue in people's own houses really.

I wouldn't warn the person, it's likely to cause embarrassment and they have probably encountered it before and have ways of handling it.

I think your informant needs not to stick her beak in, it’s not her place to tell you that her colleague is an alcoholic.

It depends on what you are doing for it. A thing at the persons house bbq/party I’d expect there to be adult drinks, if it was at a play centre or something I obviously wouldn’t. I’m in the UK.

I served alcohol at my son’s 1st birthday party, it was a summer bbq though so it was more for the adults than the kids. There won’t be alcohol at my daughters 3rd birthday as it’ll be something organised outside the house with an activity.

Nobody would reasonably expect alcohol to be served at a 4 year old's party.

Well you learn something new everyday, and there was me thinking it was only on the real housewives of that quaffed booze in the afternoon at kids parties or play dates.
I've had a few of the small people so fairly experienced at hosting a party but I've only ever served tea/coffee/juice etc to the parents if they stayed.

Well, OP, where I live the parents just about cry with joy to find a bottle of something for them. And a cheese plate would have them in sobs.

Totally normal to offer adult food/drinks. Perhaps because the parents of 4yos are unlikely to have many adult social occasions that same weekend? Supervising screaming boards of littlies is definitely made easier for social drinkers, if there’s a glass being offered. If you are teetotal or alcoholic or preggers or breastfeeding or abstaining then it is expected that you will use that adult strategy called willpower to not drink alcohol.

To those suggesting there’s a danger that children will access these drinks- I have to ask about your parenting!? What kid prefers a lager when there’s soft drink on offer, by the way?

And I just love the suggestion of ‘just serve elderflower cordial instead’. So very British and sweet. Just as long as there’s a hip flask of gin on the mantle, thanks.

God, honestly, if you want a drink then have an adults party! It's a bit sad to use a 4 year old birthday to break out the booze, isnt it? It totally would be where I live, but we're a sociable bunch and if we want a drink with mates we either go to the pub or invite friends over.

I have served pimms and beer at ds’ parties. They are in the summer and are always well recieved by the guys, not so much the women —aside from me—.
Get something like an elderflower presse for people driving, breastfeeding or who choose not to drink.
Your mutual friend can tell the other parent. No need to put it on the invite, they would be really odd.

I’ve served wine at kids parties before HOWEVER you say most people will be driving, some pregnant and you have a potential alcoholic attending. In this instance I think it’s inappropriate. Mostly because most people will be driving. It’s too easy to think “it’s just a glass of bubbly” and drive. Whilst that wouldn’t be over the limit in U.K. I wouldn’t serve alcohol knowing most people were driving.

I've never been to a kids party where alcohol was offered to the adults honestly it seems a little odd to me. If the person involved makes a conscious decision to avoid situations where alcohol is served at this point in their recovery then you need to let them know. What if they slip?and you knew that they would have refused the invite had they known about the drink?

I definitely don’t think you should have mentioned alcohol on your child’s invitation. That would have been weird. Obviously if you knew that parent’s situation personally then you could have warned them individually but luckily your mutual friend can do that now. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. If you want to offer a glass of wine or bubbly to any attending adults that is totally fine and very common in my area.

I think your informant needs not to stick her beak in, it’s not her place to tell you that her colleague is an alcoholic.

I think it’s reasonable if she’s concerned they don’t know about the alcohol and might fall off the wagon. I doubt they had a confidentiality agreement.

The best suggestion I can see is to put on Facebook or send round a text saying “looking forward to seeing everyone and toasting x’s birthday with a few bubbles this Saturday” or similar.

As for all the pearl clutching about there being alcohol at a party...

Well, it is nether right nor wrong to serve alcohol at a kids party, some do, some don't. That's up to the host.

tells me I have been insensitive and should have put “alcohol will be served” on the invitation, so people are aware. is such a fucking imposition on you! It is effectively forcing you to feel guilty because you didn't consider all world ills when organising your PFBs 1st birthday party. That person is a Joy Sucker of the First Order! I am willing to bet that they make EVERY occasion all about themselves and rarely get a 2nd invitation.

Mark their card, reduce contact and don't invite them to anything else you might want to enjoy. Life is far too short and too complicated without taking on other peoples issues, wen you don't have to.

I think YABU to repeatedly compare alcoholism to you not being able to turn down chocolate and then regretting it later.

But otherwise I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, if this parent has made the decision to totally avoid situations with alcohol, then they have to accept that the onus is on them to find out if alcohol would be served. Also it might be totally fine, you’ve been told they’ve avoided work events with alcohol but depending on what those were (the Christmas party etc) it might be that they only have an issue at events with lots of alcohol, potentially drunk people and people who may not listen to someone saying they don’t want a drink and continue to nag (“go on, just have one” on repeat from various people). That’s a totally different atmosphere to what you’re describing for the party, particularly as it sounds like the majority won’t be drinking.

I’m sure you’d have done this anyway but since you now know about the potential issue, I’d be extra careful to just make sure it’s clear which drinks are alcoholic (for example, if you pour a selection of drinks at a table for people to come and grab what they want, don’t put the glasses elderflower next to the glasses of wine where there is then potential for confusion).

I think your informant has behaved outrageously actually. It's not a case of 'breaking confidentiality' it's a case of repeating gossip. You should have shut them right down and actually the kindest thing you can do now is forget what they've said.

As for hanging around to catch the parent at nursery - how are you even going to phrase that? 'I'm just letting you know we're having a glass of champagne at the party because Susan from accounts says you can't deal with booze.'

OK, you probably wouldn't say it like that but the person involved who you don't know is going to work out that someone has been spreading nasty gossip.

Leave it well alone and enjoy your party.

Serving alcohol at kids parties is totally normal with my friends. We wouldn't have had more than a beer or of wine but it would have been on offer.
I'd serve alcohol and not worry about it.

Is your 'informant' usually an officious, meddling cunt? I'm UK-based and what I remember of birthday parties when DS was younger (he's a teenager now) some would have some wine/beer available, some would stick to tea/coffee/squash, and no one got their undies in a bundle. You are not responsible for some random adult you barely know.

I get that in a different country, you have different rules and as a british parent, they might not expect alcohol at a kid b’day party.

However, this is not your role nor are you suppose to know that one of the parents avoid parties with alcohol. All well and good when one person knows them from work etc etc. Not when they are a stranger.

As you have done your invites according customs of the country you are living in, i can't see thé issue.

And the ‘helpful informer’ should butt out.

By 4 some parents are dropping off and maybe some stay - the party is definitely for the kids and if adults are expected to stay they'd have access to the sane type of food as the kids plus tea and coffee.

I've been to very young children's parties (babies basically) in people's homes where a glass of sparkling wine or a beer was on offer to parents, but those are parties for the parents really - mostly first or occasionally second birthdays of first born children with no or very few older toddlers about and an adult per child or even two adults per child ... An at home get together party mainly for parents where the kids are almost incidental and certainly not old enough to be playing party games or reaching a bottle of wine from a kitchen top!

Your informant is gossiping and trying to stir up some drama for their own amusement.