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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did anyone else's Mum not hug them when they were children?

150 replies

AjasLipstick · 06/11/2018 12:27

So painful to ask this.

I know she loves me and did love me.

She had some sort of issue though. I remember one hug...one. I must have been about 8 or so and I was walking down the hallway one afternoon and she sort of stopped me halfway and hugged me awkwardly.

There weren't others. I remember longing for a hug. My Dad hugged me and my Nan did as well as one of my sisters. So I wasn';t completely neglected.

But why couldn't my Mum hug me? I don't remember her hugging my siblings either.

Now I live abroad and only speak to her every few days. I've started to tell her I love her. She's old and might not live that much longer. I feel such enormous pain though. At the child that I was...going through that. No Mum love. :(

OP posts:
NewLevelsOfTiredness · 06/11/2018 14:56

Oh - don't want my post to make it look like I think Depression is something strong people can just choose to be strong and fight by the way. God knows I know better than that. But there was more, and I was always impressed at her spirit.

Thebluedog · 06/11/2018 14:56

Sad as this sounds I don’t think she ever did when I was a child. I don’t ever remember sitting in her lap to watch telly or getting a hug when I came home from school, all the things I do as a matter of course with my dc.
My dad was very loving tho and I was the apple of his eye, I do remember lots of hugs and cuddles with him so it’s not all sad

CSIblonde · 06/11/2018 14:58

My Mother never hugged or kissed me & her idea of motherhood was feeding/clothing & house stuff combined with contempt & 24/7 put downs. She told me she envied her friend "because she's lucky, she didn't have children". She'd get visibly annoyed if you tried any form of affection. So I have massive trust issues. If your own mother doesn't love you, you feel no one else will. I know she had undiagnosed PND (my Dad let it slip that she 'got depressed & Paranoid when I was born) but I've never got over it & we've been NC for years. Her loss.

Pyjamaface · 06/11/2018 15:00

I can't remember ever being hugged or told I love you by either parent or any sibling. I know I am loved tho, never doubted it but we are not a touchy feely family at all.

For example my mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. All siblings immediately descended upon the house, I've been to every appointment, we took turns to stay after her operation, discussed treatment, sorted Thanksgiving and Christmas etc etc and just generally been there. Not once has anybody hugged or said I love you. We are there and you can feel the love, doesn't need anymore than that.

Effendi · 06/11/2018 15:06

I can't remember ever being hugged or kissed by my Mum when I was a child.

Even now it is rare. I know she loves me and I don't mind as I'm not particularly tactile myself.

Pashazade · 06/11/2018 15:14

My stepmother is very untactile but this is pretty much due to her upbringing as she was in hospital a lot and then boarding school. We don't hug very often but it often feels like she wishes she could be more comfortable with it but it just doesn't come naturally. I'm a hugger by nature but try and respect her boundaries.

TroysMammy · 06/11/2018 15:18

I never had hugs from anyone as a child or kisses and as an adult I find it awkward. My DM now gives me a kiss goodbye but I still find it awkward and just give her my cheek which she pecks.

nokidshere · 06/11/2018 15:19

I lived in very violent, neglectful household until I was 10 and then went into care.

The first time I was hugged by an adult (new boyfriend) was when I was 18. I'm not very tactile with other adults now 50yrs later but I hugged my boys every single day whilst they were growing up and every time chance I get now they are approaching their 20s.

MarthaArthur · 06/11/2018 15:24

My father has never hugged, kissed or told us he loves us. But we know he does. Its just not how he was raised and he could never bring himself to want to do it. Sorry you feel low op. Your mother clearly loved you alot she just wasnt a tactile person.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 06/11/2018 15:27

I’m 49 and my parents were never the type to be hugging and kissing. There are photos of me as a baby being cuddled etc and as a child growing up, I knew I was very much loved, but I don’t ever recall any spontaneous hugs or kisses. My dp comes from a family upbringing that was almost the same. We are both very affectionate and cuddly with each other, but both dislike other people being in our personal space.

Kenworthington · 06/11/2018 15:28

None of my family growing up hugged or kissed or said we loved each other. I felt loved, I wasn’t in any way neglected and was a very much longed for adopted only child. I do find as an adult hugs kisses and the like are not something I need or crave and I have to almost force myself to do it to others inc dh and the dc which I guess is sad

Chesntoots · 06/11/2018 15:32

My family is not very huggy at all, on either side.

I'm not one for physical affection "done to" me but am quite happy to "do" affection to others ie stroking and resting my had on a partner's leg.

I will hug people at work though (not random ones!), so not sure why that is...

Rowgtfc72 · 06/11/2018 15:33

I think my dad was the hugger when I was very small as he was always very huggy with dd. The only time I remember affection off my mum was when I was 4 and I was sat on her knee and she shoved me off to pick my brother up declaring I was too big for all that now.
When dad died I touched his face and that felt odd and almost a step too far.
I'm 46 by the way and wonder if it is generational.

Anythingforacatslife · 06/11/2018 15:34

My parents aren’t physically affectionate to me and never have been. I can remember the times I was hugged as a child because these occasions were so rare. I never felt unloved though, it just wasn’t what we did. However they do hug and do the ‘love you’ with my children, I think because I’ve always been very physical with my children and they followed suit. I think generally people are more demonstrative now and open with their emotions than they were during my childhood in the 70s.

Seniorschoolmum · 06/11/2018 15:50

The other odd thing was my parents spent 42 years together and had 5 children, and I lived with them for 18 years, yet I never saw them touch each other - hold hands or a touch on the elbow or the shoulder, nothing.

And I never heard either of them use a pet name or a term of affection for each other. Their life must have been very bland.

Needallthesleep · 06/11/2018 15:51

I'm another who had parents who didn't hug them, or tell them they loved them. I personally think it has impacted me a huge amount and I will make sure that I am very affectionate with my daughter.

I don't think my parents didn't love me, but they said 'you've ruined our lives' several times when I was growing up, and never said 'we love you'.

I understand why you might be feeling down about it OP.

Petalflowers · 06/11/2018 15:58

I’m also in my forties. We’re not huggy either. It doesn’t mean that my parents din’t Love me, but we’re more of a ‘stiff upper lip’ sort of family. Even as adults, I don’t hug my siblings, and one of my teen sons doesn’t mind a hug, the other is more awkward with it.l

rackhampearl · 06/11/2018 16:18

My mum never hugged me or my siblings. I'm 28. She lost her parents when she was 20 though and I think it numbed her emotionally. Saying that she was still an awesome Mum, just not very maternal and still isn't. I can't get enough of hugging my kids. They come in and I say get on me and they climb and clamber all over me and I just take in the scent of my two creations. I'm very OTT though. Much like a bear with her cubs.

smudgedlipstick · 06/11/2018 16:20

I don't remember mum hugging me as a child, she hugs me as an adult though

universe00 · 06/11/2018 16:20

I never got hugged or kissed from my mum or dad I always wonder why. Very strange !
I'm very affectionate with my kids and hug and kiss they every day without fail I always wondered why my parents didn't.

fontofnoknowledge · 06/11/2018 16:46

Another one who has no memory of hugging as a child. My mum just isn't that sort of person. I have, however never had the slightest doubt that she loves me , her gc and my siblings more than life itself and have never doubted it. I just always assumed she was a product of the repressed 1940/50's . She was a lot better with the gc.. .

Some people just aren't comfortable with all the physical affection stuff. Can't imagine how she conceived 4 kids ! (My late father was huggy though.. so maybe he unfroze her ! - but don't want to dwell on that thought any further 😩)
Lots of other ways to show love.

Too much retrospective nasal gazing is not a healthy activity though..

Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 17:02

My mam did. I never got any affection from Dad. Even now he is 70. I think I hugged him as an Adult when drunk but otherwise never.

Bumbumtaloo · 06/11/2018 17:31

No, was never hugged, that I can remember, by either parent. My dad does now but I don’t see him very often as he lives in Canada.

I’m quite a cold person myself and hate any hugs or affection. When I first met DH I used to force, for want of a better word, to hug and kiss him and now it’s natural to hug, kiss and say I love you to both him and our DD’s.

Both of my parents had horrific childhoods and neither had any affection shown to them.

My mum was more affectionate towards my brother growing up but I think that’s because he would force it, so to speak. He would seek her for a hug or to twiddle his hair whereas I wasn't interested.

BumDisease · 06/11/2018 18:23

I don't actually remember, but I'm not a very tactile person myself so I don't mind either way. I know my parents love me through their actions, I don't feel the need to hear them say this or by physical affection. Though my dad will start to ramble about how much he loves me when he's had a few at Christmas/ New Year!

MachoManRandySavage · 06/11/2018 18:25

This is sad 

No I don't remember many hugs at all. I remember the smacks though.