Did anyone else's Mum not hug them when they were children?

[AjasLipstick]

So painful to ask this.

I know she loves me and did love me.

She had some sort of issue though. I remember one hug...one. I must have been about 8 or so and I was walking down the hallway one afternoon and she sort of stopped me halfway and hugged me awkwardly.

There weren't others. I remember longing for a hug. My Dad hugged me and my Nan did as well as one of my sisters. So I wasn';t completely neglected.

But why couldn't my Mum hug me? I don't remember her hugging my siblings either.

Now I live abroad and only speak to her every few days. I've started to tell her I love her. She's old and might not live that much longer. I feel such enormous pain though. At the child that I was...going through that. No Mum love. :(

If she did then I can't remember it, I think it's unlikely as she hates physical contact.

My mum never did, never told me she loved me and weirdly never writes my name in birthday cards. We are close though. It does make me sad occasionally

BetterEatCheese you have reminded me that mine writes 'from' to us all in birthday/Christmas cards.. it's become a family joke.
Makes no odds at all. Still know she loves us all by her 57 yrs of loving actions towards us.

My mum never hugged me. I can't remember any affection at all. She was loving towards my sister. Thankfully I had loving grandparents who made up for it.

@BetterEatCheese - I lol'ed at that.

My mum writes From Mum and nothing else in all her cards

I don't recall being hugged as a child, loved, yes, but little physical contact, it just wasn't done. Hearing parents say 'I love you' to their children initially seemed odd. I can hug my grandchildren and, when there's a problem, my grown children but even with close friends I feel uncomfortable hugging hello, goodbye etc, when acquaintances at church try to hug hello I find myself pulling away.

Nobody in my family hugged anyone. That's normal for us.

@Firsttimeposterlongtimelurker @fontofnoknowledge
How funny! I wonder what the correlation between lack of hugs and nameless cards is!

@AjasLipstick I'm similar age and yes I can relate. Can't ever remember being hugged or kissed as a child, she was not demonstrative at all. Have a sort of awkward hug when we meet up or leave now (don't live nearby.

I think it is partly down to her own upbringing (youngest of a big family mostly brought up by older siblings) but a lot of it is her nature. My Dad would give us hugs and was more comfortable doing so. I made a conscious effort to make sure my DC's never felt awkward and always felt they could come for a hug or a cuddle whenever.

Another here who always got “from mum” in a card .. (although I would do anything to have a card from her now - she died ten years ago)

Nope. No hugs. Never told I was loved. By either parent. It messed me up for ages but I've come to terms with it now. I have worked out that they did love me but had bad childhoods themselves so never learnt how to show it. My own DCs are under no doubt that I love them and get lots of hugs.

Neither my mum nor my dad routinely hugged me (I’m 45) as a child - they just didn’t. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them hug each other either. But everyone who has ever known them for more than five minutes absolutely knows - they love each (stilll obvious after nearly 50 years together), love me and their grandson. They just don’t do physical. Even with their much beloved grandson - there was cuddles and hugs when he was a baby but not after that.
I’m the total opposite and I’m very tactile and touchy/hugs etc. It’s how I show affection and how I give comfort. This is not necessarily a good thing as for many other people invading their space is at best irritating but worst down right awful for them. I know have to think about that and curb my instincts.
I think it part generational, part personality. If she showed her love in other ways, perhaps don’t get hung up on the hug bit?

I've never liked physical contact, boundaries are very important to me. I didn't like physical closeness with my mum growing up and I still don't; I do it under sufferance. This is probably because I was abused as a child, so touch I haven't initiated repels me.

I've taught myself to give hugs to my DDs, and mostly this isn't a problem. When they surprise me by jumping on me for a cuddle l, that isn't so easy to cope with.

Aw bless you.

We didn’t get many hugs in the 70’/s.
Perhaps it was a generational thing but I like to think we’ve learned from it !

My mum never hugged me as a child.

As I got older, it just became awkward if either me or her tried to instigate a hug , or any kind of affection really.

I distinctly remember the moment my eyes were opened to this realization. I was 12 years old and had just started hanging out with friends at their houses. Seeing the mother/daughter interactions of my friends is what made me realize I had a different than normal emotional relationship with my mother.

BUT, my mother loves me, she always has, and Iv always known... she is just not a very affectionate person. I even think some of my siblings take after her in this regard. But I am the complete opposite, I am always hugging people / telling them I love them 

My mum shows love in other ways, so at the end of the day, I just shrug it off, and put it down to one of those things !  and actually, as she's gotten older, she's always trying to hug me now, and tell me she loves me! So a full 360 really! It's still a little awkward, but it's getting more normal 

In fact, 2 of my siblings actively hate being touched. Getting a massage would be torturous for them! So maybe my mom was like this too! Some people just don't like being touched!

My parents didn't show physical affection or say I love you when I was a child, but it didn't bother me as they showed it in other ways.

I dont think it's generational as I remember seeing friends parents hug them.

I occasionally hug my parents goodbye now, but I've never hugged my sisters ever and can't imagine doing so. Actually I've never even thought about doing it until this thread!

I don't like hugging my parents at all -cringe--. They didn't hug me when I was a child either. I have no doubt that they love me but they express it in different ways, by being accepting and supportive. They hug my dc though.

I hug my dc all the time my husband slightly less I love hugging my dc and they love it too and seek lots of cuddles. I doubt they'd want to be cuddled as adults though.

I don't remember my mum hugging me as a child, but I remember her hugging my (significantly younger) brothers so I guess she did hug me when I was little. She hugs my DD2 a lot. If she hugs me now, for example if I'm leaving after staying a few days at her house, it feels very awkward. She actively says she likes children but can't be doing with adults.

I'm 36.

I don't think my dad has ever hugged anyone in his life.

No, mine wasn't huggy/kissy either, still isn't. She's a bit better with her grandkids (not my kids).
I'm just hoping I'm more affectionate with my future kids and that it doesn't rub off on me. I'm already a bit 'ick' about hugging anyone except my DH and my Nan.

Very rarely. And usually only for very big things like if I was away on a school trip.

I think you are likely grieving the Mum you didn't have as you contemplate your Mum getting older and all that comes with that. I've done the same and it's a hard one to sometimes reconcile. I always think there are two truths - my Mum wasn't the loving or tactile kind (truth) she also loved me (another truth). We can have more than one truth.

Best wishes to you!

I'm sure mine did when I was little, but at some point she stopped, I assume before i was 7 as I have a lot of clear and detailed memories of our interactions from around age 7 - then after I'd been living away from home for a longish stretch in my late teens and not seen her (not due to any fall out, I just spent a year overseas) she tried to start being huggy and kissy with me. It was horribly awkward.

Tbh trying to initiate that kind of tactile relationship as an adult is what I wish she hadn't done. I'm sure she did cuddle me as a small child and I didn't miss it later - in fact it didn't occur to me that she hadn't been doing it til she tried to force it awkwardly when it was unnatural and unaccustomed.

I'm huggy with my kids (not kissy though, but lots of hugs) including the teen but still feel awkward when my mum tries to hug or kiss me and wish she wouldn't tbh.

Tbh my awkwardness around my mother trying to hug is also tied up with the fact I know she deeply disapproves of and judges overweight women (yes, specifically women) and I'm overweight. I'm comfortable in my skin around pretty much everyone except my mother because I know that for her weight is pretty much the most important thing on her mind.

winter I would hate having a massage too. I don't have any problem with spontaneous affection from children including other peoples children nor from clients I work with with learning disabilities, or when I oonce worked in a care home - no issues with doing personal care for unrelated adults in a professional context either which many people say they couldn't bare. It's never been a problem within a relationship either, but I hate social hugging from aquaintances of the hugging hello and goodbye type, or having to do team building activities involving touching or closing my eyes in a room full of aquaintances.

I wouldn't say I hate being touched at all, but certainly my boundaries are probably a little narrower than people who hug to greet aquaintances or enjoy a massage from a stranger on a spa day - that's an awful idea.

So interesting and has made me feel sad but not alone or freakish hearing that others have experienced the same.

I never had cuddles, hugs, handholds (even as a toddler I was on reins!), never had an “I love you” and not even a kind word on the birth of my children or wedding day.

The first hugs I can remember are with a boyfriend aged 17. Since then I’ve only been comfortable with cuddles with my husband and kids.

I am VERY tactile with both. And we constantly tell each other (husband and kids) we love each other. My kids I hug and cuddle constantly.

But I would hate a massage or even head massage during hairwash at hairdressers and I think that’s because I now see touch as a very intimate thing. I don’t feel comfortable hugging friends although I do it, I feel awkward.

Interestingly my parents have always been very loving and cuddly with each other. Still hold hands wherever they go together and now in their 70’s.

My sister and I never hug or kiss hello. Ive always been envious and curious about friends who have a loving relationship with their parents. All I can do is break the cycle.

She did, but I find it hard to hug her now. Bizarrely, I love hugging DP but he's on the spectrum and hates it, so I rarely do hug him.

What I have noticed with my mum is she rarely tells me she loves me. I'm sure she used to, and that upsets me. I used to make a point of ending every phonecall with those words, but she never said them back so I gave up.