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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

202 replies

Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:30

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

OP posts:
pombal · 05/11/2018 23:35

I think you are jealous and secretly attracted to old, fat baldies Grin

Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:37

pombal ok you found me out!! Grin

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:37

Well I’m in if Emma isn’t. You’re over reacting to a scenario you’re making up in your head. You get the feeling. Oh well then.

bonfireheart · 05/11/2018 23:37

What???

  1. How do they know your friend?
  2. How does she feel about this?
  3. Why haven't you reported them?
  4. How do you ever get any work done?!
user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:38

That came out slightly angrier than I meant it Blush

everydaymum · 05/11/2018 23:39

They've asked for an introduction, not for you to negotiate a dowry and plan their wedding. They may be peeved if/when she knocks them back but it's possibly a bit extreme to assume they'll punish her for it.

monkymoose · 05/11/2018 23:39

do you work for paul hollywood 😂

Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:41

Are you telling me that it’s okay for a man to assume that a woman will want him just because 1. He wants her and 2. She is available?

When I was 25, that kind of assumption from a man about my lack of autonomy in my own decisions would have made me very nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:43

bonfireheart

  1. They saw her once at another party and they both found her on my Facebook friends and have been going through her pictures.
  2. She doesn’t know about it. Both are asking me to introduce them before the event. I don’t know what to say to her.
  3. Reported them to who and for what?
OP posts:
Hereharehere1 · 05/11/2018 23:46

How would they punish her if she doesn’t work for them?

And what type of women is it acceptable for them to pursue in your eyes?

bonfireheart · 05/11/2018 23:48

At my place we have whats called "professional standards department", most organisations I've worked for have had similar. I'd forward their emails to them n say you feel harassed/stressed/pressured.

Or just tell the pervy old blokes that your friend thinks they are pervy old blokes.

And tell your friend to change her FB security settings.

Birdsgottafly · 05/11/2018 23:48

Have you never overheard or been subject to a group of Men discussing Women, as though they can have them and if they don't want her, she will be devastated?

It's probably their income that they will think will attract her.

Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:49

It’s not the type of woman it would be acceptable to pursue, it’s that I think acceptable perception would be to imagine the woman has a choice. But currently they are not thinking about her choice in the matter.

And I can envisage then punishing her eg rubbishing her reputation. Calling her a cock tease, calling her unstable/mad for rejecting their advances. They have done this to other women.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:49

You’ve just decided all this about them because they looked at some Facebook pictures (none of us have EVER done that, how foul and disgusting...) and they’re going to punish her if she doesn’t, what? Instantly shag them? I think you’re taking this far too much to heart. And exactly what @hereharehere1 said.

bettys · 05/11/2018 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:50

But you’re imagining it! You just think they might do that! Also them saying oh introduce me is hardly them deciding she has no choice in getting together with them.

Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:50

I have never overheard a group of men speaking like that.

Why should we accept this as the norm?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:52

They are talking to me ABOUT her and saying that there is no barrier to her going out with them because 1. she is available and 2. they want her. I DO find that disgusting. It is not an assumption I am making, it is what they are saying to me.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:53

Because women do it too? They have asked to be introduced to your pretty friend. They haven’t already had the banns read.

bettys · 05/11/2018 23:53

Apologies for post below, posted on wrong thread

user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:53

Why not just laugh and say “in your dreams”? You’re making such a mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster
Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:54

When do most women ever say -
“This man is single and I want him so i’ll definitely have him?”

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 05/11/2018 23:55

Group of friends out and see someone they fancy? It’s not a legally binding contract to say “ooh I’m having him/her”. You’ve just decided all this stuff about how they will react to rejection in your head.

Annandale · 05/11/2018 23:55

I see why you are feeling infuriated by their emails. We all have personal shit in the game here. I would be humiliated by receiving emails like that, being over 50, greying and boring myself Grin. But undoubtedly this is happening because there are two of them winding each other up. They are stupid to put this in writing and undoubtedly sexist idiots, but I would put money on no harm being done.

I'm slightly thrown by what kind of event this is that requires you to fix people up before it happens? Is it speed dating or something?

Otherwise I can't see any reason to respond to the emails at all just print them out and keep them somewhere in case of a future harassment scenario Just project a slightly remote persona 'oh didn't think you were serious anyway about the venue' in a monotone.

SputnikBear · 05/11/2018 23:58

Surely it’s you who is not giving Emma a choice? You’re deciding on her behalf that she wouldn’t want to date them. In fact she may be very interested! If I had the chance to date someone who earned £1m a year they could be as fat and boring as they like Grin