To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

[Pillartopostit]

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

My first proper job was in a department was intersection of two very male environments and open plan.

I was very disconcerted to overhear my attractiveness being discussed - and discussing on was I worth asking out.

I had a long term bloke wasn't interested and found it very disconcerting attitude in a professional environment.

Not a new thing though – I watched this summary of Don Quixote where apparently a female character has this exact rant – just because you're interested in me doesn’t mean I owe you anything and that was written in early 1600s.

I'd ignore yoiur collegues and give friend a heads up for event so she can decide how to deal with it.

they have previously rubbished the reputation of other women who have rejected them. It’s a lose lose situation for any woman who they think is fair game who crosses their path.

You can do something OP, either stop inviting them to events or report them to HR for unprofessional, sexist conduct with female, potential investors.

Pillartopostit, I've never once suggested this before as I always thought that women would stand up for/support each other on every board ; but perhaps post your OP on the Feminist board and you'll get a better support than you're currently being offered.

Goodness me this place is bonkers at times. So many insecure and/or clueless twunts, all in one place too.

I don’t think I would be as offended as you if two of my older colleagues fancied the look of one of my friends and wanted to meet her. I would pre-warn her and casually introduce them and leave them to it. Am sure your friend can handle herself. She can always chat to them a bit and then move on to mingle. I find it hard to believe they would try to tarnish her reputation if she wasn’t interested in them. All sounds a bit blown out of proportion to me.

Mention it to your friend. Tell her what is going in and your worries. If need be tell them she is already seeing someone.
I'm sure they don't mean for it to seem as though she has no choice, but a heads up her way may be a good idea xx

Isnt it up to her?

What bigkiteflying has said

I would just warn her ahead of time. It sounds a big storm in a teacup to me. I clearly remember saying things like "He'll be mine" when I was young and single.
She doesn't work for your company so I don't see the harm. I think it you really find them threatening and they are destroying women's reputations than you say something, otherwise this seems like stress over nothing.
Them being 50 and fat doesn't mean she won't fancy them. She should get to decide.

l used to work with two similar would-be Lotharios. They'd sit there reading the papers/magazines, making derogatory personal comments about actresses/singers etc. Until one of my colleagues remarked "Well they'd be well impressed with Danny DeVito and Vin Diesel here, wouldn't they?" (l should explain here that one was about 5' tall and nearly as wide, and the other one was bald).
Strangely enough, the critiques stopped after that....

Love your work, katseyes7

If 'Emma' is single. It's none of anyone's business regardless of their age. Least of all some dirty old men.

It may be unethical but I'd be tempted to tell their wives.

I think you need to keep your personal and worklife separate TBH.

For goodness sake, 2 people find your friend attractive and want to be introduced to her. That’s it !
Nothing to be outraged about, I’m sure your friend can let them know that she’s not interested if she so wishes, and if by chance she likes one of them too then that’s fine.
How can you get so enraged because you feel that they are not good enough or right for her, with respect that is not your call to make.

OP - 50-year old senior-ish male here ... Reading about this behaviour on the part of your colleagues is making me want to vomit. Wanting to try their luck with a 25 year old is not the problem in and of itself. If they manage to find a 25-year old young, intelligent, attractive woman who is attracted, then more power to them. But using their corporate power and a company event to try to coerce you and possibly her into giving them what they want is simply nauseating.

You are absolutely not wrong to be upset by this. It is already ethically questionable for someone who is senior to you and works in your company to ask you to introduce them to a friend of yours in whom they are sexually interested. It would be deeply inappropriate if they have been asking you repeatedly. Even if there is no stated or implied intent to retaliate against you for not going along, the mere potential that they could do so is enough to make it a problem. It's no better than if they were asking you repeatedly for a date.

That is even before getting to the history of them "rubbishing" the reputation of women who reject their advances. That makes these these colleagues of yours sound like regular Harvey Weinstein types.

Regardless about whether you make any introduction, if Emma needs to be at this event, then I think it would definitely be "friendworthy" to warn her that these older male colleagues of yours are planning to hit on her, assuming only that you can afford to take the risk that your warning to her might somehow get back to them. For Emma, forewarned is forearmed.

Then, you have to decide how you will respond to their requests to you. Ignore? deflect? rebuff? report them to HR-types of channels? or go along and introduce them, having warned your friend of their interest and what you said about rubbishing people's reputations.

My opinion is that you should decide what to do based on your own knowledge of the situation and your self-interest, balancing principle vs. pragmatism, while finding a way to be fair to Emma. You certainly do not owe these blokes any sort of consideration, respect or politeness, except to the extent delivering that would be beneficial to you or to Emma.

To be honest, most men(and I am one) are absolutely mystified when the gorgeous 25 year old doesn’t laugh at their crap jokes and doesn’t want to take part in lightly inappropriate banter.

What surprises me is that you have taken so long to find out? Surely everyone knows that we’re a bunch of overconfident weirdos who are gods gift to women.

This is vile- tell them their behaviour is making you uncomfortable and likely to make Emma feel the same. Women aren't trophies to be hunted.

It may be unethical but I'd be tempted to tell their wives

@Forallthesaints Tell whose wives? One is widowed and one is divorced.

I’d warn her to change her security settings, unless she’s looking for lurve with a man twice her age! These guys are either complete narcissists or winding you up: either way I wouldn’t trust them with your own personal network...I think this is one of the reasons not to mix business with pleasure !

Not read the whole thread -- my apologies. But I am surprised you are willing to use personal networks in a corporate environment! Are you selling to your own friends? Is that not crazy? Do you not feel used?

OP, is your bossSir James Godwin, and are you organising the annual tombola for the Asses and Donkeys Trust?

If so, their behaviour is entirely to be expected.

If, however, it's not and episode of MDWAP then laugh at them. I would.

I get you OP.

It's the sickening way these men, who I'd lay money on are all ageing, balding and have let themselves go, are letching after a young woman, like she's a piece of meat.
In their minds they think she should be grateful and flattered that they are paying her attention.
Urgh.

Tell them she only likes black men .

Some of these comebacks have been hilarious! I definitely understand why you’re raging OP. I would also feel the same.
It’s totally unprofessional (and nauseating) of them and I would refuse to introduce either of them to Emma. I would also pre-warn her about her ‘stalkers’ and get her to block them on FB.
Also keep your emails from them and if they even think about tarnishing the poor girls reputation should she reject them, you have this as proof to take to HR.
I’ve been In Emma’s position a good number of times and it’s a very uncomfortable situation to say the least.

Just warn her and both of you change fb settings
Tell them she's not for sale

They've asked to be introduced to her. Is there more than this? Because if that is all they have done it seems a pretty big jump to go from that to assuming that they think they have some right to her. If I, as an older man, ask to be introduced to a woman, it doesn't mean I have any sexual designs on her at all, let alone thinking I have some right to her (which is not something I would ever think). Indeed, last time I asked a mutual acquaintance to introduce me to a woman it was because, knowing the line of business she was in, I thought she might be a useful business contact. I would be mortified if either she or the person I asked for the introduction thought it was some kind of sexual advance.