To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

[Pillartopostit]

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

I can see why you don't want to lumber your friend with two leches (although she may like a choice in the matter), and they have form for disparaging women who've turned them down. Firstly, I'd make sure they both know the other has made the same request - might give them pause - and secondly, I'd say 'fine, but you're to be nice if she's not interested and I'm calling you on it publicly if I catch you doing otherwise. The lady is entitled to a choice in this. If it's a no, be a big boy and take it on the chin'. How's that?

There's not much wrong with going through the Facebook pics of her. I have often had a search of a fit bloke I met on Facebook over the years. They have asked if you could introduce them, not set them up on a date, presumably after Emma had met them then she can make up her own mind about what she wants. She does have a choice here.

Loads of young women will go out with fat, balding older men. Look at Gregg Wallace, hes been married 4 times.
I'm sure Emma will be able to cope o.k.
Rich older men know the score so do young pretty girls, nothing new here.

Just to reiterate. I would feel the same way if the men were emma’s age or if emma was a fat, balding, bore. It’s their assumption that she belongs to them (or rather they both separately think she belongs to them or is earmarked for them) that is the problem. It doesn’t take account or leave open whatsoever, the possibility of Emma having a choice. And like a pp said, I am being being unwillingly pulled in as part of this transaction.

Also, as I said before at the top of the thread - they have previously rubbished the reputation of other women who have rejected them. It’s a lose lose situation for any woman who they think is fair game who crosses their path.

I said the stuff about being white with million pound salaries because I do think it’s a certain group of men who are like this.

I have no idea what the posters mean by giving me marks out of ten.

And FWIW I work for a platform which connects investors to hedge funds. Emma represents a start up which may be able to attach itself to one of the funds. So she is not directly involved with this platform but she is coming for a business reason.

When do most women ever say -
“This man is single and I want him so i’ll definitely have him?”

Me and most of my friends in our 20's, but then that's when we were young and beautiful. And our; I'll definitely have him, was we will ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.

Luckily being men, they weren't fully compliant with our daydreams, because most of the men; we would definitely have, ended up being complete losers!

To follow on from my post above though OP it was definitely only in a joking way we said it, we never felt that the men had any obligation to go out with us or that we had some magical power that gave the men no choice in the matter, it was probably more wishful thinking.

hmm this would totally annoy me too...because it is all just raging male entitlement.

Have you considered asking them if they are sure they want introduced as your pretty sure they aren't her type?

I think I would probably just ask Emma if she has any interest in being hooked up with said middle aged men as they have asked about her. When she inevitably says 'are you on glue' you can go back and tell the men she isn't interested.

I completely see your point. It isn't anything to do with who the players are, per se- who Emma is, or who the men are- but the attitude, of 'I am so fantastic, and there is no way any woman on earth would reject me'.

As for giving her the choice, in case she likes fat older men? That's ridiculous. If they were two nice, respectful older men who looked identical to these sleazeballs it would be entirely different. The issue is their entitlement. I mean, if I was Emma- she's only a year older than me- and we were friends, you would doubtless be well aware that I do have a thing for older men. One of my current beaus is 42 years my senior. But, he is sweet, kind, sincere, etc. He would never dream of talking about women this way. And if you were to give me an offer of introduction to men like this I'd actually be offended you would try and hook me up with an entitled lech, as if I'd be willing to spend time in that kind of company!

So, you are working for a private investor / hedging platform with £1m salaries but are relying on a network of young friends to promote brands?
I am afraid but that's where I stopped believing the story.

OP, someone who is 25 years old is a woman, not a girl. There is no need to infantilise her.

being white with million pound salaries

Yeah, because black, Asian, etc men never use their wealth and power to pursue younger, more attractive women.

But silvercuckoo what am I going to gain? I hardly think this is an original story. I am posting because I think this kind of thing is so common.

I am changing some details about the work because I don’t want to be outed. But the long and short of it is that Emma will be at this event because she’d like an investment. She’s not attached to our company and so therefore no complaint to be made to HR about their behaviour to her because my seniors do not have a professional relationship with her.

1. Warn her that they are asking
2. Sad though it may be, suggest she closes down who has access to her facebook and invent a boyfriend for the event.

They sound horrible. But she'll get that if she isn't interested. And maybe she is interested in pervy old men. It takes all sorts. . I think warning her would be fair.
And tell them they can approach her themselves

Maybe it's just human nature?

The OLD threads on here are full of women complaining that only 'ugly old men' message them, whereas the younger, eligible, erudite professional men they're thinking are their God-given right only seem to be interested in younger, slimmer, professional and (dare I say it), more attractive women.

Twas ever thus.

Please get over yourself. It was ever thus. If your friend doesn't like it she's free to ignore them. Or laugh at them. Or to do as she wishes. I recall a similar workplace situation but you need to hold your tongue or risk no invite to the wedding of the wealthy old Finance Director and the young and lovely Admin Asst. Still happily married 25 years on.

Yes maybe it was “forever thus” but that is not my point.

It shouldn’t be ok or “forever thus” that men talk about bedding women as if the women do not have a choice in the matter. Especially professional men, saying it to someone else they are also involved with professionally.

"'Twas ever thus" is no excuse for the kind of lack of respect for others shown by Pillartopostit's colleagues, however senior and wealthy they may be.

OP why aren't you saying something when thry are disrespectful / rude to your friend? This kind of behaviour needs challenging surely

SleepingStandingUp - I should imagine the OP is probably worried about how they would treat her and that it might affect her job if she were to challnege these senior, wealthy, and presumably powerful within her company, men.

*challenge, sorry, typo.

I seem to get interest both from men I would consider out of MY league and men for whom I would consider myself to be out of THEIR league... less so men I would consider "IN my league". What d'ya know: Jordan Peterson et al. apparently have no bloody idea. A lot of (dare I say it) unattractive men are trying to prove something...not, as they would claim, following some innate biological imperative. Blind men are as likely as others to choose partners according to mainstream aesthetic criteria.

@Pillartopostit
I am not young or hot, but I don't see these stories as common. In my (very limited and mainly second-hand) experience, millionaire men are unlikely to spend a lot of time pursuing a barely known woman against her will. I know it sounds bad, but they usually have a pool of extra-hot sugar babes to choose from.
Men I (and ladies from my team) have harassment issues with in the corporate context actually have different profiles (as opposed to white, middle aged and wealthy:

• Low-skilled facilities staff (think security / post room), no correlation with age. They cannot seem to get over the fact that some women are paid better for their abilities. If I told you some of the real stories I saw personally in this category, you'd be shocked.
• Young professional transfers from the Indian subcontinent. Some of them (of course, not all and not even the majority) do indeed have this strange view that western /emancipated women are raging sluts, and you just have to be persistent enough to talk them into having wild sex right there in the broom cupboard.

Op YANBU mthis type of male priviledge enrages me too....

Challenge them, say 'Clearly Emma is way out of your league'

or 'Other than a big wage packet what makes you think she may be interested in overweight, middleaged, balding men when she is young, intelligent and georgeous'

Also please warn her they are talking about her like she is up for grabs...

Just forewarn her, sounds like they'll give her interest at the event and she'll think it's about her start up when really their thought process may be 'give us a shag and I'll help your start up'.

At least then she'll be able to have some spidey senses up when they approach.

I do get what you're saying though OP, there's a marked difference between "I really like your friend, would you be ok to give me a proper introduction" and "mitts off everyone, I saw her first she's mine".

She’s not attached to our company and so therefore no complaint to be made to HR about their behaviour to her because my seniors do not have a professional relationship with her.

The HR issue is about their behaviour and attitude toward women as expressed in this case against an external woman. It may also be about wanting people invited for inappropriate reasons. They are not interested in her for business but if she doesn't comply they may block her from an opportunity.

As I said upthread - you presumably have policies on this in a corporate environment, why are you not taking it up with them?