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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

202 replies

Pillartopostit · 05/11/2018 23:30

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

OP posts:
Mamaryllis · 06/11/2018 05:17

I don’t think age has anything to do with it. Yesterday I got propositioned by a guy at least ten years younger than me, in the full knowledge that I have a husband and children. I’m also fat. Grin I was utterly enraged. How fucking dare you assume that you have the right to hit on any woman - that all women are there for the taking if you decide that’s what you want? It’s male entitlement writ large.
God’s gift to womankind.

Magicstar1 · 06/11/2018 05:36

OP I totally get you. A friend of mine was out with us one day...she was about 25. Two of the guys there - one in his late 40’s and one in his 30’s were arguing. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. They were rowing about who was asking her out. It got very heated as the 40’s guy kept saying he saw her first so should go out with her.
I lost my temper and asked them did they not realise they could both ask her out and let her choose? That she was a person in her own right who mightn’t want either of them?
They honestly believed that whoever was first had dibs on her.

Blanchedupetitpois · 06/11/2018 06:54

Why not jus instantly shut it down? ‘Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable making this kind of introduction as it wouldn’t be appropriate in the context of my friendship with Emma’. Just keep saying it until they get the picture.

cheesefield · 06/11/2018 07:01

I get you OP. I've also worked in corporate environments dominated by older white men like this. They're absolutely out there.

Veterinari · 06/11/2018 07:06

It’s predatory and creepy as fuck
It shows a total lack of respect for any level of female autonomy
OP warn Emma in advance that she’s likely to be letched over by two guys who have FB-stalked her
I’d probably also report them to HR. It’s totally unprofessional behaviour for a work event.

Pickupthephone · 06/11/2018 07:08

1/10

claraschu · 06/11/2018 07:08

They sound repulsive. Of course you are enraged.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 06/11/2018 07:12

I completely get where you are coming from, op. Just tell them that you will not be doing any matchmaking and you don't see what they would have in common.

silvercuckoo · 06/11/2018 07:12

Would you be so outraged if Emma was in late 40s, on a chubby side, with three children and a bit dim?
If not, you are playing the same game - estimating the "bride price" for Emma. It is just that you estimate her value to be higher than their bid (which is natural, as you are her friend).

TheStoic · 06/11/2018 07:18

Next time they say something about meeting her, laugh and say something like ‘She’s 25! I don’t think she’s going to want to hang out with us oldies!’

BolleauxtoBankers · 06/11/2018 07:22

Nothing to do with Emma, but to do with these men's attitudes, I agree. A facet of that ridiculous, but worryingly entitled group of people, called "Incels", perhaps?

TheFatberg · 06/11/2018 07:23

I get it as well. It's a whole power dynamic that some posters seem to be ignoring, and some very classy people just seem to be focusing on the money.

No way would a fifty year old woman assume she would be of interest to a hot 25 year old man. Not to say that a young man wouldn't be attracted to an older woman before anyone judges me, but making plans in advance the way these men are - don't believe it would happen.

What men like this don't realise is the power of female socialisation. Emma will probably be nice to them, because that's what we do as women to keep ourselves safe. They'll take the niceness as meaning she likes them when often it's not that at all. Has no one else got into situations as a young person that there's no way they would now they're older, all because they were scared to be blunt and say no?

LisbonFalls1958 · 06/11/2018 07:25

Bridget Christie told a story in one of her stand-up comedy shows of a fat bald sweaty drunk older man pestering her to sleep with him. She said, the day that women have the same level of self worth as that sweaty fat bloke is the day I'll stop being a feminist. Grin

madcatladyforever · 06/11/2018 07:25

They are sad old twats who will be disapointed. Ignore them.

Miscible · 06/11/2018 07:28

Tell them about her large, aggressive partner who doesn't take kindly to people coming on to her.

SeasonOfTheCrone · 06/11/2018 07:29

YANBU Judging by some of the responses to your question it is clear that many women accept this entitled sexist behaviour from entitled men and seem to think it's ok that these blokes have been leering over Emma's FB pics and fantasising about her falling into their arms or being so turned on as soon as she sees or smells them that all their fantasies will come true after or during the event. Those old men are creeps and if you can report them to HR for making you feel uncomfortable with their inappropriate words then that would at least send the message that this unprofessional behaviour is no longer tolerated in the work place. After that uninvite Emma and invite her gran.

Jungster · 06/11/2018 07:30

Ps i just read that they have rubbished the reputations of other women who rejected them in the past. They sound disgusting and id keep them away from any woman i cared about.

Tell them 'i thought about introducing you to her but i cant risk having you two trash her when she is not interested, so no"

easyandy101 · 06/11/2018 07:30

Your exact situation aside, which does sound a little odd and only really thinking of the way you perceive their entitlement:

when I think I'd love to meet/go out with/sleep with/whatever a particular person, the the fact the other person has a choice in the matter is a given. a knock back is mostly expected but I wouldn't think that I may as well not talk to them as who knows they might actually like small, poor, bald, skinny, pale dwarf types

Jungster · 06/11/2018 07:30

Just say it how it is. With a smile stapled on.

Puggles123 · 06/11/2018 07:31

Plenty of women say they’ll have a man as he is available- but it’s probably okay if a woman does it! Have you spoken to them? Just say either stop talking about it as it’s making me uncomfortable, or that they will probably see her at the event but you don’t want to be introducing them or whatever.

Ellisandra · 06/11/2018 07:34

Maybe when 25 year old women stop dating millionaire men in their 50s, then we should get outraged at said men thinking they have a chance?

eddielizzard · 06/11/2018 07:35

'I find your comments inappropriate and if you continue I will have no choice but to not invite my friends in future if your behaviour is what I will be exposing them to.'

AJPTaylor · 06/11/2018 07:35

Just tell them has a boyfriend.
How do you negotiate the world without a basic ability to lie to smooth things over.
I am 50. The world has always had such men
It probably always will. A number of them do and up with younger partners.

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 07:36

If it was me I'd say "She's half your age you know. Why would she be interested in dating you?"

That might sound mean...But I would say it to them. She's young and pretty...the world's her oyster.

Do these men not realise their place in the market.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 06/11/2018 07:39

Oh gosh, I have been an Emma many moons ago. She may have already learned to be flattered but not be malleable to such unsuitable wallies ... if she hasn't, might be worth giving her a pep talk about their obvious intentions before she attends any functions you invite her to. At 25 she's old enough to make her own mind up . Maybe she's after a sugar daddie or two ? As long as she's aware and can stay safe that's probably all you can do. It's Nice that you have her interests at heart !