To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

[Pillartopostit]

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

Tell your friend and see what she says. If she's not interested just tell the pervy men she's not available. I see why you are annoyed. Some men think they are God's gift. And maybe she should put her Facebook to friends only to stop guys looking at her pictures.

Just tell them that your friend has a mind of her own, an intelligent one at that, and you're not her PR person - hopefully she'll be introduced to them, smile sweetly and get away quickly. Some men (and women) just think they are so perfect that it's a done deal - they will probably find out the hard way

Forward emails to HR for harassment and laugh (genuinely) if they say it to you and blatantly ask why would your 25yr old friend be interested in someone her dad's age

I think firstly you have to alert your friend to what you have heard and then let her choose how she wants to react and whether in the light of this, actually attend your event.

Secondly I find the whole idea of you deliberately choosing to use your own Facebook friends, for some type of corporate networking event, a bit tasteless and ill mannered, especially if there are going to be other similar vile men attending.
You are innocently inviting your Facebook friends to a event where you are fully aware that other people at the event, are not really there to offer genuine investment, but more interested In the females attending.

woman do this.see a cute guy you work with.ask to be introduced.find him on facebook and go wow hes hot with their girls mates.have the guts to say yes Id pick him up etc etc.so why is it different because its a male.we are getting so eager to assume a man wanting a woman means he will seek her out like prey when its done so much the other way round with woman (nicely,onnocently)ogling good looking men.

plus id hate it if iwas over a certain age and men were describing me somehwhere as fat messy haired grey and boring why would anyone want her :(

woman do this.see a cute guy you work with.ask to be introduced

I can't speak for all women, but in my single days, my default would have been:

'See a cute guy I work with. Think, no, he's way out of my league. Put him out of my mind.'

The OP's point is that that sort of response is far more common in women than in men.

When I was 25, that kind of assumption from a man about my lack of autonomy in my own decisions would have made me very nervous

Exactly this.

Reminds me that when I was 23 and started working in a law firm some of the senior men had taken bets (I found out later) about who would sleep with me. The answer was: none of the sad, delusional, ugly gits who were far too old for me.

screamingvalenta yes me too me too.but ive seen others do it.

kateandme The others you've seen do this - are they in the same age-range as the men they're targeting?

Pillartopostit

"They saw her once at another party and they both found her on my Facebook friends and have been going through her pictures." Warn her that her Facebook account is not secure.
"She doesn’t know about it. Both are asking me to introduce them before the event. I don’t know what to say to her."
Tell her the truth.

Tell them to F-off.

I wpuld encourage ger not to go to be fair and also tell her what's been going on and to set her profile page to private

But gregg Wallace can cook man...

If they earn over a £million a year Emma might well be interested. (Read your Jane Austen. All matches are a trade off in some way.) Apprise Emma of the situation and let her decide for herself.

Some posters are advising you tell the men directly that Emma scorns them. Do not on any account do this as the men might take revenge for something she did not do.

I do not support an attitude of entitlement in any way but surely this is Emma’s call?

YANBU OP. I’m 50 and there are a fair few good looking younger men where I work. I would never even entertain the possibility that they would want to go out with an old codger like me. They deserve to be with women their own age.

But then my boss who is the same age and not good looking in any way has a policy of only dating women who are young and slim.

The thing is, Emma might well go for it because she very rightly senses (a la Jane Austen) that it’s very unlikely she’ll ever make that kind of money.

Ironic really that the real Emma had her own fortune yet when she got married it would have become the property of Mr Knightley. Who was also her senior by many years IIRC.

But women are the gold-diggers.

I think they are being unprofessional...and badgering you for introductions? Why not introduce themselves?

And don't introduce them....not your job role. Are you worried there will be repucussions for you if you don't?

Try to keep it pragmatic - if it is as you say then it’s a bit gross and certainly pathetic and I do understand you feel they don’t seem to be considering her choice in the matter. You also mention they’ve done this before and then branded the woman they had pursued as a tease or what have you, so I see why you feel the need to protect this friend from their general grossness.

However that being said, I’ve known men and women in workplaces who do the same and it’s more a game between those who deep down - do know that they stand no chance, but they try anyway, get shot down and resort to name calling to hide their embarrassment.

If it truly is as you say I wouldn’t waste your energy on being angry at them, unless they do act upon their silly fantasy in a very inappropriate way. I would find the situation laughable because it seems so ridiculous, maybe your friend would too :)

Also when I refer to women doing this just as much, I have a male friend who I’ve known since I was a kid, he’s single and fairly good looking and has his own house... and so he is a magnet for older single women it seems, he’s been inappropriately groped on nights out, one stalked him and got aggressive with me when she thought he and I were dating (had to get the police involved ) a few who knew we are just good friends have contacted me via Facebook or in person to ask me to set them up with him so it does happen to both sides sadly...

I'm sure that Emma will understand that in order to secure an investment deal her business and proposal will need to be of sound interest.
Are these investors likely to invest? If not, tell
then you wouldn't waste their time or Emma's in introducing them to one another as you're sure they've got other deals to be working on. (Husband is an investor for a fund).
Unless of course this would really benefit Emma for the investment intro and she can handle them herself without you having to worry?

I'd keep it professional and accountable in interactions if I were you. Don't show you're annoyed, will just egg them on potentially.

This reminds a little of those silly middle-aged men in the Carry On films. They lust after young women and seem to think that they will will be lusted after in return.

Hopefully young Emma will have the confidence to say, 'On your bike, Grandad!'

They are talking to me ABOUT her and saying that there is no barrier to her going out with them because 1. she is available and 2. they want her. I DO find that disgusting. It is not an assumption I am making, it is what they are saying to me.

What I really can't understand is this. If they actually did say that to you why on earth didn't you just laugh in their face and say something like "What makes you think Emma would be interested in going out with someone old enough to be her father?"

I do understand what you mean. I work in an environment that's male dominated and there is a word that gets thrown about (I won't say what it is as outing) so they can 'bagsy' a girl often less than half their age. They would say it's banter.

I think rubbishing the reputation of people who refuse to speak to them though is something else a lot more sinister. It's one thing saying you want to sleep with someone and being arrogant enough to think they will want to, it's another punishing them for not doing so.

I think you need to speak to Emma. She may not mind being introduced to them. She may be away before the event but you can introduce them there. She may be decide to tell them she's no longer single. But speak to her and then pass on whatever message she wants to these men then you can stay out of it

amiright that sounds like a horrible mysogyny supporting environment to work in. It's not really banter or locker room talk, as that's what it is.. Do you challenge this?
What a massive assumption to make about her [Emma], not to mention your [male] entitlement and [lack of] modesty.
I find it quite sickening when you consider the intimacy they are talking about

I agree with you OP. Unpleasant workplace culture and underlying sexism. Also a sense of male entitlement, fuelled by money.

Shriek I do challenge them, not all the time but often and they know my feelings on it. I think it is slowly sinking in but it's difficult to change the culture, as the odd other woman who works there joins in and acts inappropriately towards younger male staff (I have called this out as well). I think there's only so much one person can do sometimes as if I'm always the one moaning they will stop listening to me. They are (in the main) not bad people and wouldn't act on it as the men in the OP are doing. But it does add towards a culture where it's OK for some men to act like this so has no place in the workplace or anywhere else