To feel enraged at my colleagues and their belief that they need to have “first dibs” on young, pretty girls?

[Pillartopostit]

I work in a corporate environment and have had to organise a work/fun related high profile event. Much of my work involves using my own network too so I can market brands, so I have various of my friends coming.

I have two older and more senior colleagues, they are in their 50s. One divorced, the other a widower. Between them they are fat, balding, grey and boring, but they have both identified a friend of mine who is 25 who they want to be set up with. Let’s call her Emma.

Both for some reason are absolutely sure that they are a natural romantic choice for Emma, who is 25, stunning, intelligent and has her whole life ahead of her. Both are emailing me reminding me to re introduce her to them. Both seem to fundamentally believe that they somehow have a right to Emma. Like they are asking themselves, do I want her? Yes. Is she single? Yes. So there is no other conclusion or result other than them getting with Emma. They have not factored into their heads that’s Emma might in fact have a choice.

And I get the feeling that if Emma rejected either of them, they would be completely outraged , angry with her and punish her in some way.

I am completely incensed and filled with rage every time one of them mentions her name to me. I feel like screaming at them and asking them if they’ve looked in the mirror recently? What possesses them to think that they have a right to this poor woman which trumps her own right to a choice?

And who knows maybe Emma will be impressed by them and want to date one of them but that is her choice. They are, after all, powerful white men who earn over £1mm a year.

What if anything can I do about this? Or say about this?

If Emma was late 40s and chubby, then she'd be completely invisible to these men. She wouldn't even be up for discussion or have even registered on their radar. The point is that she IS young and attractive, and therefore fair game in their eyes

Not the poster you quoted, but I asked whether OP would feel the same if Emma was young, fat and balding - would she be “fair game” then?

Once upon a time I was young and balding (bit chubby). I wasn’t completely “invisible” to men, even those my own age.

At their age and shape, sexual continence should involve no more than a sense of the ridiculous.

Why not just say 'I'll certainly introduce you, though you might be disappointed - much like yourselves, she's very into youth and beauty...'

And like others have said I don’t think we need to settle for “men are like this” and at least not at work. I’m attracted to kindness and respect so if my husband ever did this (not asked women out obviusly but rated them, acted like he could “have” them if he wanted etc) he would go massively down in my estimation, if my colleagues did it I would and have called them out on it and would potentially report it- it would be taken more seriously now though than back when I worked in a shop.

Surely it depends what's been said

Oh can you introduce me to Emma, I'd like to get to know her vs You have to introduce me to Emma, I intend to screw her in the stationary cupboard at the party.

Just shut down inappropriate comments.

"I have to meet Emma" - yes, I thought you might be interested in X brand she's here to promote / oh I didn't think you'd be interested in X brand
"no I have just decided that she definately wants to have sex with me" - actually I'm not sure you're her type / it's a X meeting not speed dating / I don't think she's looking atm but I think her Mum is single and about you age / tbh you look a lot like her Dad etc

Sounds to me that rather than them rubbishing Emma's reputation you actually worry what will happen to you if you don't introduce them / they don't hook up

This is disgusting and I have been in the same situation with an ex boss who believed that his huge salary masked the fact that he was rude and undesirable. I remember he brought a model type to a party once, she was actually really nice and funny and admitted to me in the bathroom that she had a daughter that he did not know about and just needed a break in order to give her a good start. She ended up throwing a drink over him at a meal a few weeks later.

Don't get angry on behalf of your friend, she is a big girl and has every right to make her own decisions here. You never know she may actually be attracted to jerks...

The self delusion is strong with middle aged blokes. Ridicule is the correct response.

ButchyRestingFace I think the OP's point is about the assumption Emma is 'fair game' by these men - the pre-supposition on their behalf that she will want to sleep with them. This could theoretically apply to assumptions made about any woman, of any age or physical type.

However, the younger and more conventionally attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to attract this type of behaviour.

I understand you OP. When I worked in this environment, the company was going through a tough time and made cut backs. A particular very very important shareholder requested that I just come and work for him, with a wink. And among other not exactly “inappropriate” but very very uncomfortable behaviours toward me I objected, and my work simply wouldn’t allow it (I wasn’t one of the ones that had to go). I was a lot younger at this time (21) and I was sickened that an older man of late forties early fifties would find it acceptable to treat me that way/think of me to be just a pretty little bag of mince he could eat up.

YACK!

I get where you are coming from OP. I once worked for a big supermarket and the older male management used to view the regular intake of younger female staff as some sort of help yourself buffet. They assumed a modern day ‘droit de seigneur’ to pick and shag the junior staff. And they were often successful - a modicum of perceived power can be very attractive. As can a salary in excess of a million a year.

Can I say that as a school leaver I bucked the trend and went out with a totally hot junior butcher from the meat department not one of the sleazy old farts in shiny suits.

Sounds to me that rather than them rubbishing Emma's reputation you actually worry what will happen to you if you don't introduce them / they don't hook up

Possibly. I don’t see how there can be a negative fallout for Emma herself - she doesn’t work for the firm and there’s no suggestion that OP’s colleagues are part of some pervy collective that includes Emma’s boss.

Incidentally, how do these colleagues even know who Emma is? Have they met her before? Have you sent out some kind of publicity material featuring her photo?

How did they come to ‘identify’her as a prospect in the first place?

The point is that she IS young and attractive, and therefore fair game in their eyes.
I don't think that's only why. She's 25 and is invited to a corporate / fun event. It could be, of course, that she is a high-flying professional at that age, and is invited for "corporate" reasons. Otherwise she is assumed to be a part of the "fun".
I am probably living under a rock, but no one just invites smoking hot young friends to corporate parties in my world. And I work in the City finance, a wildlife reserve for middle-aged white wealthy men.

ButchyRestingFace I think the OP's point is about the assumption Emma is 'fair game' by these men - the pre-supposition on their behalf that she will want to sleep with them. This could theoretically apply to assumptions made about any woman, of any age or physical type.

That point about their behaviour being unacceptable to a woman of any age/appearance hasn’t really been made by the OP (yet).

It’s about Emma being young and pretty and clever and therefore their behaviour is unacceptable.

Someone else upthread related to being outraged at being targeted by a man 10 years younger when she was married with kids.

@Pickupthephone, @Gingerrogered, I’m kinda feeling you...

men are like this, always have been, always will be.

Cos that makes it ok then?
Glad you clarified that for us.

Marital rape used to be 'acceptable', lots of things have gone on for years but we dont have to allow them to go unchallenged. Do you want to be seen as an object to be 'decided over' by a couple of blokes who dont think you have personal autonomy?

Fgs you are setting the bar low.
We need tp challenge this crap every single time or nothing will change. Women are not 'fair game' we are not chattles to be fought over and winner gets to take them home.

Women do have rights btw. The right not to be seen as inanimate objects without free will who are expected to have sex with any man who approaches them. And the right not to be slagged off if we refuse to comply.

ButchyRestingFace Yes, I take your point. My view is that such assumptions are unacceptable, whatever the woman's age, physique and appearance.

I am probably living under a rock, but no one just invites smoking hot young friends to corporate parties in my world. And I work in the City finance, a wildlife reserve for middle-aged white wealthy men.

Do you have any smoking hot friends who work for other companies, btw?

Would your middle aged colleagues be able to ‘identify’ them?

Clearly they’re not right in the head. Just ignore them and move on.

*Do you have any smoking hot friends who work for other companies, btw?

Would your middle aged colleagues be able to ‘identify’ them?*
I am also slowly approaching middle age, so the average temperature of "hotness" amongst my friends seems to have converged and plateaued somewhere in the respectful middle. :D
Of course I have attractive (and unattractive) professional contacts in other companies. If they are invited to corporate events (catered and paid for by the company), I have to present a business case for them attending -i.e. what is in their attendance for the company. Then it goes to the compliance dept for a check whether what I am proposing is in line with the internal guidelines re gifts and entertainment. For example, I would not be able to invite a government employee to a dinner party where the bill per head is in excess of £40.
Absolutely cannot see how I would justify bringing a hot graduate girl from the outside to an internal event.

Incidentally, how do these colleagues even know who Emma is? Have they met her before? Have you sent out some kind of publicity material featuring her photo?
I think Op said they'd seen her at another event and stalked her FB. Actually OP I'd talk to your mate about privacy settings and profile pictures

It's not just wealthy, powerful men who behave this way. I spent years working with a group of men, I sort of became invisible and they would forget I was there. Their conversations were bizarre and laughable, they really believed they were irresistible to women. One particularly repulsive example was convinced that all the local schoolgirls fancied him, he resembled a toad, a 47 year old toad, and needed a good scrub.

The arrogance of some men is truly astounding, but frequently entertaining at the same time.

• OP and Emma both need to sort out your social media privacy settings.

• Presumably as a corporate event you need a business case to invite each guest?

• as a large corporate environment you presumably have a raft of policies and procedures on this kind of behaviour and an HR department to whom you can forward this information/harrassment/sexism. What did they say when you raised it?

I think Op said they'd seen her at another event and stalked her FB. Actually OP I'd talk to your mate about privacy settings and profile pictures

Ah, ok! Yes, definitely get her to update her security controls.

But I wouldn’t bring to this someone that your colleagues had seen once before at an event and then gone on FB to look at all her photos and let you know that they think she’s a sure thing for them.

Either tell them to swivel or don’t expose her to that.

*But I wouldn’t bring to this EVENT someone...

I am still trying to work out what kind of serious corporate role has someone required to use her personal contacts ie friends as opposed to useful industry acquaintances to market brands - apart from MLM, which this doesn’t sound like, what with the £1M salaries etc ?