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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 05/11/2018 13:33

How long is he planning to go for?

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:34

Sorry missed out that detail- around 1 week

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 05/11/2018 13:37

I’m not sure I’d like to be separated from my 3 month old baby for a week.
Can he not wait until school holiday then you can all go?

zippey · 05/11/2018 13:38

I don’t think either of you is unreasonable on this one. Can you go too?

A 12 week old baby is quite young and might be a lot to look after. Is the child bottle feeding?

Orlande · 05/11/2018 13:38

Could you go just for a weekend?

Darkstar4855 · 05/11/2018 13:38

Tough one tbh. It seems a bit unfair to deny him the chance to introduce his child to his family but equally I wouldn’t want to be away from a baby that small. I think I would take the 6yo out of school and go with him - missing a few days of school is not going to have a massive impact at that age.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 05/11/2018 13:38

I wouldn’t like my baby to be away without me. Perhaps wait and go together in the school holidays. Or go for a shorter trip all together (4 days over a weekend) so your eldest only misses 2 days of school. DH could always stay on for longer if he wants without the DC.

coffeeforone · 05/11/2018 13:38

I can see both sides but on balance think YABU. Personally I'd either let him take DS2 or take DC1 out of school and all go together (probably the former)

Ihatemyneighbours1234 · 05/11/2018 13:39

I personally would not feel comfortable being separated from such a small baby, can you not go for the weekend instead? Friday night till Sunday?

overagain · 05/11/2018 13:39

I think it's fine, it's for a pretty good reason. You could go (albeit taking a child out of school) but aren't going to because you don't feel it is important enough.

It wouldn't have been possible for us as DS was a bottle refusing fusspot, but other that there is no reason not to.

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:39

We could wait until the Christmas holidays but flights for all 4 of us will be very expensive.

In any case, we are doing Christmas with my family this year- not celebrated with them for a couple of years, for a variety of reasons.

OP posts:
AnotherOriginalUsername · 05/11/2018 13:40

If I were in this situation I think I'd send DH out for his week and join him for the weekend with the children

Neighneigh · 05/11/2018 13:40

You can ask the school for permission for absence to attend significant family events. To be honest at three months old I'd go with your baby, and your eldest isn't going to miss anything crucial at school. If you can afford the fine (which you may not get if you speak to the school), I'd go

Chwaraeteg · 05/11/2018 13:40

Yanbu. Hell would freeze over before I was away from my 3 month old for a week!!!

Santaisgettingbusy · 05/11/2018 13:41

I wouldn't say I was a clingy dm but my dc were about a year before they were out of my sight!!
Blah blah he is the df but I have never heard of a man saying they physically can't be without their baby but can't explain the logic in it!!

DayAtTheRaces · 05/11/2018 13:41

Which country is it? Is this country a signatory to the ‘Hague Convention”?

If he is from a Middle Eastern country or somewhere like Turkey or Pakistan I would be extremely wary.

Do look at this website:

www.reunite.org (A British charity re; international child abduction)

It has a phone helpline and a plan to prevent your child being taken away without your permission.

I may have got the wrong end of the stick, perhaps you have no fears at all about this possible scenario but to be forewarned is to be forearmed!

Hope this helps!

Shoxfordian · 05/11/2018 13:41

If he's a good dad then you should trust him to go with your son

Orlande · 05/11/2018 13:41

Neither of you are wrong really, so you need to find a compromise.

Going for a shorter time or sucking up the extra expense of school holidays are the obvious ones.

Angrybird345 · 05/11/2018 13:41

I’d take your 6 year old out of school. Wouldn’t let baby go without me, too young.

Baffy · 05/11/2018 13:42

If it were me I think I'd try to reduce it to a 4 or 5 day trip that's over a weekend and take DS1 out of school just for a day or two.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/11/2018 13:42

In your situation, I would go all 4 of you during school holidays. If you miss the 90th because of that, then so be it. That's preferable to ds1 missing school, or ds2 going without you.

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:42

We are mixed feeding at the moment, tend to breastfeed at night time, am able to express a lot of milk so have loads stored up.

OP posts:
Sleeplikeasloth · 05/11/2018 13:44

I can see why you're struggling with this, but I can see why he wants to to (and take the baby) to the party.

Have your ever taken the baby away to your parents for a few days? If he was OK with that, then I think you should let him do the same.

Could there be a compromise that you all go over for the weekend, and he stays with the baby for another 2 days (for example), so he still has time to see his family, but you have less time apart?

Pheasantplucker2 · 05/11/2018 13:44

YANBU - I wouldn't have been able to be away from my 3 month old baby for a week. I think they need their mums above all else at that time, still in the 4th trimester so only just getting used to being a separate being to you.

I understand his desire to introduce his baby to the family, but for everyone bar the grandmother I would say they have to come to see you.

You say it's a 2 hour flight, could you go for a long weekend and miss one or two days of school for your son? Do you have any inset days coming up?

When missing school, I think there are definitely better and worse times to miss. Coming up to Christmas, especially in year 1/2, not a problem at all.

I think if you explained it was the grandmother's 90th then school, although unable to allow term time leave, would be sympathetic. Ours certainly would. For situations like this, we generally get a letter saying thanks for letting us know. This will be unauthorised leave. Enjoy your trip!

Are you in an area that fines for unauthorised absences?

cadburyegg · 05/11/2018 13:45

My DS2 is 8 months now and I wouldn’t have him away from me for that long. No way.

I think most 3 month old babies would prefer to be with their mum than abroad visiting extended family. So YANBU, because it’s not in his best interests.