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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
sickmumma · 05/11/2018 15:53

I don't see a problem tbh? I have gone a similar distance to visit family without DH when my children were the same age perhaps even younger for a week at the most. Unless you are breastfeeding and physically can't be away then I think YABU.

Could you perhaps compromise and do a long weekend either DH goes alone or just take DS out for a Friday and Monday?

BumpInTheOven · 05/11/2018 15:56

My daughter is 4 & 1/2 months old and I would not be able to be apart from my baby for a day, never mind a week.. YADNBU..
come to a compromise, long weekend all together..

user139328237 · 05/11/2018 15:57

YABVU.
Not because you don't want to be away from DS but because many compromises have been suggested but none are good enough. Your working age parents will cope if you don't see them on Christmas but his gran may be dead by next year.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 05/11/2018 15:58

Has your DH looked after your baby alone for a couple of days before? I think he's underestimating what's involved. He has to bring a load of bottles and sterilisers, and a baby car seat? Maybe the baby's chair on the plane alone? And push a buggy and suitcases. It's not easy. He must be good at asking strangers for help is he? Because I don't know many men who are

How bloody patronising @seaweed42.

Quartz2208 · 05/11/2018 16:06

YANBU wanting not to be separated - however this is important to your DH and he is not being unreasonable wanting to go. So just saying no its impossible you wont be parted from his is being unreasonable - the key is compromise.

I think a 4 or 5 day visit (Sat to Weds or Weds to Sun) means no fine and you all get to go

DistanceCall · 05/11/2018 16:07

Take your daughter out of school. At 6 it's not the end of the world.

areanyusernamesleft211 · 05/11/2018 16:08

Can see both sides here so perhaps a compromise is in order. You are both equal parents so he should be allowed to take your baby given the reason for the trip (if you were full time breastfeeding this would be different), however a week is a long time to be apart. Can he either a) take the baby alone and go for half the time or b) go for the full week and you go for the weekend with baby and other child.

titchy · 05/11/2018 16:15

Way too young to be separated from you. Do Friday after school till Monday all of you. Dh can stay on a few days if he wants.

If your baby was older it would be fine, but not at 12 weeks and still bf, even if only at night.

FrenchJunebug · 05/11/2018 16:23

YABU he is the parent too!

AdoreTheBeach · 05/11/2018 16:27

As with others. I can see both sides to this. Particularly as DH’s grandmother is turning 90 and is not in good health. Suggest you approach the school and advise that great grandmother is turning 90, not in good health and may be only opportunity for DC1 and husband to see her one last time. They may give an authorised absence. This happened with me and my grandmother. I took both DD out of school (similar ages) to go to USA for Thanksgiving. Last one my grandmother was alive for. As my DC had good attendance record, the school allowed it as authorised absence. Made huge difference to me, my grandmother and sadly only one DC remembers the trip.

It’s a fairly big deal to DH sobeofth thr compromise. As this is only 2 hour flight, the suggestions of a long weekend for yourself and DC (both) would be a good compromise. By all means tell DH to stay longer if he feels the need given the health of his grandmother.

FYI, I did not take them with me when it was my grandmother’s funeral. I went for a week (bereavement leave from work), eldest DC and DH went to USA for long weekend for funeral. This was due to cost but otherwise the younger DC would have had authorised absence due to funeral and been gone a week. Explaining to the school you would rather DC1 see her while she is alive then take leave to go to eventual funeral.

Mixedupmummy · 05/11/2018 16:31

yanbu

I'm a bit Hmm that he's hurt by you feeling this way. disappointed, fair enough but hurt that you don't want to be separated from the baby you carried for 9 months and birthed just 3 months ago. really? i'd be hurt he didn't understand where I was coming from.

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/11/2018 16:33

Sounds like family is important to him.
I suggest you take your 6 year old out of school and go off for the week as a family and have a great time.
I wouldn't be concerned about a six year old missing school for a week. On contrary, might be a great opportunity for DS1 to practice his Italian.

ohtheholidays · 05/11/2018 16:37

No there is no way I could be without my baby.I agree with PP's take your DS out of school,tell the school about the Grandmother(they're Great Grandmother)that it could be the last time she gets to see the DC.

Not a nice thought I know but you've said yourself that this could be the only time she gets to see the baby,

sofato5miles · 05/11/2018 16:39

Why doesn't your DH go for the full week and you fly weds evening so DC1only misses 2 days and you still have a fair bit of time.

Not quite the same but i went on a long haul trip when DC3 was 9 months old for one week. Had never left the other two before and it all went very well.

TwoGinScentedTears · 05/11/2018 16:44

It doesn't matter if it's a mother or a father taking the baby away. What matters is if the other parent doesn't feel comfortable with it.

You don't feel comfortable mforrable with it, so an alternative solution needs to be found. All go. Fake your older dc. Have a Lovely time all together as a family!

ichifanny · 05/11/2018 16:44

I was about to say I’d let my husband take my kids anywhere until I saw it was a 3 month old baby , I have a 9 week old and no way I’d want to be separated from her .

LeeRoar · 05/11/2018 16:45

Agree with several other posters.
YNBU to not want to be separated from your baby, however I think YABU to not compromise and take the 6 year old out of school. They won't miss much! Even if the school said no I would just pay the fine.

donajimena · 05/11/2018 16:45

I'd just take your 6 year old out of school
I'll get flamed for this but I don't care it really doesn't matter. Now mine are in high school and it DOES matter I wish I'd taken them out in primary school.

theonetowalkinthesun · 05/11/2018 16:51

The obvious solution to me is absolutely take your first child out of school! It's only a week! You should absolutely be there to share in this special moment with DS2 meeting his grandmother, and that way neither of you have to be away from either of your kids! Sometimes, occasionally, in special circumstances, missing a little bit of school for something so special is worth it

lovetherisingsun · 05/11/2018 16:56

He probably feels like you think he's completely incapable of looking after his own baby. Or that he's utterly incompetent. I feel sorry for him, tbh.

SheSellSeaShells · 05/11/2018 16:58

I don't think you are being unreasonable - I couldn't have been away from mine at 3 months for that long...

Travelledtheworld · 05/11/2018 17:04

where is he going ?
He may need your written permission to take the baby out of the country a letter drawn up by a solicitor.
Personally I wouldn't let him do it.

MyBrexitIsIll · 05/11/2018 17:06

Hmm I’m in two minds about it because I’ve travelled like this wo H to go and see my own grandmother etc...
I wouod never have considered it to be ok to be stopped from doing that ‘because H wouod have missed dc and it’s not right to be separated from a 3months old one this’.
3 months is also about the time when I started to feel I could leave dc to other people wo a backward glance so to speak. (I wouod probably have enjoyed been able to have a full week of sleep!!)

On the other side, you are breastfeeding and there is no reason why you should be pressured to stop so your DH can do what he wants rather than because you want to do or it works better for the baby.
If, unlike me, yu dintbfeel ready to be separated from your baby that long at that age, then it’s your prerogative and no one should impose it on you.

Comparaison with how much your parents have seem Dc2 compare to his are not here nor there btw.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 05/11/2018 17:06

It sounds like an important family occasion, so rather than be unhappy about him taking the baby without you, I'd go as a family - a 6 year old can take time from school without too many repercussions, even with the other trip. I think the baby is a bit young to go without you, but then again I took ours on holiday abroad without my husband (but with my mum)at 3 months when my husband was skiing in a different country so that's not much different unless you are breastfeeding.

MyBrexitIsIll · 05/11/2018 17:09

He may need your written permission to take the baby out of the country a letter drawn up by a solicitor.
Why would he any permission when he is the father of the baby, he has parental and he still married with the OP??? Confused
I can’t see any reason why he wouod need one if a mother doesn’t.
I’ve never needed a permission to take my own dcs out of the country if I wanted to.

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