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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/11/2018 10:19

PineapplePower - the US is an appalling model of maternal rights and early childhood care. No, I don’t condemn people who are forced to live within a highly inappropriate and dysfunctional system, but I can and do condemn the system.

user1499173618 · 12/11/2018 10:21

The baby has never met his blood relatives. They are total strangers!

PineapplePower · 12/11/2018 10:25

It doesn’t happen as I am still on maternity leave. But if he needed to (if someone in the family took ill, for instance), I wouldn’t have a problem for just a week or so! We’ve also left baby with the in-laws with plenty of milk for weekends away and the like.

I see a lot about “primary caregiver” but is not DH a primary caregiver as well? Do you actually believe that the baby’s prefrontal cortex is going to shrink in the space of a week and be damaged forever by being with his father for a week? Ffs

FlamingoFlamango · 12/11/2018 10:30

I wouldn't say unreasonable but I absolutely understand your worries. Our DD is 21 months and we've had the conversation of other half taking her abroad just for 2 days without me and I've said absolutely not, no, never.
That's my own problem, perhaps something I need to work on. Perhaps when she is old enough to talk and express what she wants etc then I will perhaps consider it but at 3 months old...personally, absolutely not without mammy

Quartz2208 · 12/11/2018 10:36

PineapplePower - please do not bring the US system into this - I agree with a previous poster I dont condemn those who do so because they have no choice. But the system itself is barbaic

And have a look at separation theories, I agree the primary caregiver does not have to been the mother but there is a primary caregiver and based on the amount of time her husband is away he does not come close. So yes at this young age separation from the primary caregiver (who is the OP) could have consequences

Absofrigginlootly · 12/11/2018 10:42

I’ve lived in the states for 3 years.... the childcare model you describe is barbaric. And yes it does affect children, and society at large...just look at the level of violence, corruption, lack of empathy/social care etc etc.... I know this issues are complex and cultural/political - I’m NOT saying it’s entirely down to their predominant childcare model. BUT separating 5 week old infants from their mothers DOES have a lasting affect.

Absofrigginlootly · 12/11/2018 10:57

And interestingly within more “traditional” communities (like the north mid west where we lived, which was very much a pro-Trump Bible Belt) many people felt strongly that the current US system whcih forces women back to work so soon was anti-family values. They respected and valued the role of a stay at home mother (and often home educator) and recognised the importance of this role for society and within Christianity.

AvoidingDM · 12/11/2018 11:02

Pineapple so the answer to my question, have you left your baby for a week, is you haven't, but would do if it was dire circumstances and somebody was dying.
You've left them for a few nights, at what age?

In this case nobody is dying its not dire need. Baby is tiny Op doesn't want to.

The U.S. maternity leave is grim. I feel for all mums forced into that situation. But there is also a difference between a day and a whole week. And not being able to get to the child if its ill nor will there be a 'settling in' process

PineapplePower · 12/11/2018 11:19

AvoidingDM At the three-month mark. And I should clarify that I wouldn’t have minded for a week-long visit either, especially if his relatives couldn’t come see us for some reason (they, unlike my family, are very mobile and are able to come see us).

This sounds like a special family event (90th birthday) and presumably loads of relatives. What’s the problem here? Just seems hyperbolic to say that baby cannot be without their “primary caregiver” (really selling the DH short here) for a short period of time; that they will be permanently damaged. Nonsense.

Maybe the best way is to compromise, take the baby for 3-4 days. The grandmother is ill and may die before she can see the baby. I don’t understand why the US trip is the priority here, in light of that.

Absofrigginlootly · 12/11/2018 11:55

This thread is going round in circles now Confused

OP well done for making the right choice Smile

Original poster
SummerForever · 12/11/2018 11:55

@PineapplePower

Thanks for clarifying that your baby has never gone abroad without you.

The problem is, as I've explained many times during the thread, I am not comfortable to let DS2 go at the age of 3 months.

Since starting this thread, I've read lots of various opinions/thoughts and experiences.

The only conclusion I can draw is that it's a completely polarised topic.

You are either completely uncomfortable with it or totally chilled out and happy to let your baby go off without you.

And both are acceptable options, if you are happy with your decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerForever · 12/11/2018 11:57

...and I am happy with my decision, and will not be swayed by DH or the pressure of in-laws/extended family.

It is the right thing to do, in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerForever · 12/11/2018 12:02

@Absofrigginlootly

Yes absolutely, going round in circles several times over.

Thank you for your support and reassurances.

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 12/11/2018 12:13

I’ve just read your posts Summer and your update is what I was going to say. In this case it doesn’t matter if every single other person said that they’d be happy with their dh taking their 3 month old away for a week, you are not and that’s what matters.

You don’t need an excuse, you don’t need science, you need to be listened to. You are not happy and need to be with your young baby. In time you may be very happy for your children to go off for a week without you but at the moment you’re not. And that’s ok

I second going over for a weekend, if your dh and / or in laws don’t like it tough.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/11/2018 12:31

Can he roll over his leave to next year? I totally agree that I personally wouldn't feel comfortable being away from my 14 week old baby for a week. However, being away from each other in a few months might be difficult but a lot easier than right now.

Original poster
SummerForever · 12/11/2018 15:04

No unfortunately he cannot save it til next year

OP posts:
BeautifulPossibilities · 12/11/2018 15:18

Over my dead body would my three month old be going for a week anywhere without me, especially abroad. Neither would my three year old.

PineapplePower · 12/11/2018 15:26

and I am happy with my decision

But you can understand why your DH is not. You are very fortunate to live near your family, just thought you should get the perspective of someone who lives very far from theirs, and how gutting it can be. I took my baby abroad at the 3-month mark and feel it very sexist that many suggested my DH is not a primary caregiver, so it was okay!! In my view, this is exactly the same.

What about a 3-4 day trip?

Absofrigginlootly · 12/11/2018 15:32

In your view maybe....babies see it differently.

And I’ve also lived overseas for many years from both our families, we moved when DD was a baby, so I understand that perspective too....and I still wouldn’t have let DH take my little baby away for a week to visit them

Absofrigginlootly · 12/11/2018 15:33

Not that DH would have ever suggested it anyway. He would have known how much it would have upset DD

Ztst · 12/11/2018 15:40

I’d just take ds1 out of school and all go.
I could not have been separated from mine for a week at 3 months old. But I can see why your dh would want to take the baby to this event.

timeisnotaline · 12/11/2018 22:12

and feel it very sexist that many suggested my DH is not a primary caregiver, so it was okay!! In my view, this is exactly the same.
Because it’s not the same. It’s very clear that babies identify with a primary caregiver, which is usually and in this case the mother. They should not be separated at this age. Only selfish people would try to because it’s not for the babies benefit.

AvoidingDM · 12/11/2018 23:02

There is a difference between "a" and "the".

In this case Mother is THE primary carer.

Maybe a better way to put it is the mother is the primary carer father the secondary. Very few babies care will be split 50/50 between parents or anybody else.

PineapplePower · 13/11/2018 06:38

Maybe a better way to put it is the mother is the primary carer father the secondary. Very few babies care will be split 50/50 between parents or anybody else

The baby knows the father and has been cared for by him. PPs here are acting like she’s relinquishing baby to a distant relative. That the baby will be “damaged” in some way from spending a week with father and relatives.

The moral panic here quite something, next they’ll be saying that employing nannies or leaving them with dad whilst mum goes on a business trip will hurt the baby. I do find this really sexist, sorry.

I’d be pretty angry if I was this father, tbh. The DH is going to be resentful over this, especially if his grandmother dies before seeing the baby.

Quartz2208 · 13/11/2018 07:27

Pineapple power stop - removing a three month old baby from the person they have spent the majority of time with and taking them to a strange and unfamiliar environment with people they have never met with a parent who at best has been there a couple of hours a day (and sometimes travels away) is potentially very damaging in this SPECIFIC circumstances

Of course there can be multiple primary carers and mums can work and go on business trips but later. This is the problem with the us system it should all start after 4-6 months 6 weeks is just awful