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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
ileclerc · 05/11/2018 14:00

Going for a long weekend seems the best solution.

7salmonswimming · 05/11/2018 14:01

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for feeling so attached to the baby at 3mo.

I don’t think DH is unreasonable in what’s he’s wanting.

I think maybe put the hurt, disappointment, stinging feelings aside and try to agree on the best practical solution for you both. You’re emotional about the baby; he’s emotional about his grandmother etc. Maybe he goes for less time, straddling a weekend, and/or you and other DS join him for 2/3 nights? Given your upcoming holiday to the USA, I’m assuming money isn’t soooo tight.

Btw, taking the baby to a new environment away from its mum is an excellent way to painlessly (for the baby) stop bf, imo. You may not be ready, maybe you need another few weeks, but it may be worth availing if this opportunity.

Vicious2018 · 05/11/2018 14:03

I would go as well. Not for the whole week but couple of days. Flying back with the baby and the other dc. Dh could stay longer.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/11/2018 14:04

I think, as you're planning on stopping BF anyway, that BF is a red herring.

I would either go as a family for a shorter time, take DS out of school, or all go on the same day and you come back with DS1 a couple of days earlier. You have options. I think the main thing is to start from 'how do we make this happen' rather than 'I can't go so I don't want DS2 to go'.

DaysDragonBy · 05/11/2018 14:04

I wouldn't have wanted to be away from baby either.

As it's short notice I'd be playing the elderly relative, deterioration in health, we're need to go before it's too late card and taking DC out of school.

Miscible · 05/11/2018 14:05

If it's that important to your DH, he should suck up the higher fares over the Christmas period. It might be better if you travel after Christmas.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 05/11/2018 14:07

I wouldn't want to be away from my 3 month old for a week, regardless if it was in another country or another part of the UK.
I think 3 months is too young to be separated from his mum.

MarshaBradyo · 05/11/2018 14:07

Tough one but I couldn’t be separated so I don’t blame you

Seaweed42 · 05/11/2018 14:08

I would have HATED being separated from my baby at that age. Especially if it was a plane ride away. No way. I couldn't handle that. Too far and baby too young. Has your DH looked after your baby alone for a couple of days before? I think he's underestimating what's involved. He has to bring a load of bottles and sterilisers, and a baby car seat? Maybe the baby's chair on the plane alone? And push a buggy and suitcases. It's not easy. He must be good at asking strangers for help is he? Because I don't know many men who are.
Can you not just take your son out of school and go. Can you not make up a story to tell the school? At age 6, there's not much they'll be missing out on? Do what's best for your family. If your son older and was facing into exams it'd be different.

JaniceBattersby · 05/11/2018 14:09

I would have been inconsolable if I’d had to spend a week apart from my three month old baby. I think it’s totally different that it’s a dad and not a mum making the trip, because the baby was inside its mum’s actual body just 12 weeks previously, and also she’s been breastfeeding the baby.

The thought fills me with absolute horror if I’m honest.

LL83 · 05/11/2018 14:09

For me the priority would be meeting elderly grandmother. Understandably you want to go too, and there is nobody to watch ds1 so my next though is can we wait til school holidays? If not take the child out of school. If he is missing too much school postpone Easter trip. At 6 for one year I would take him out twice.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/11/2018 14:10

I think people that are suggesting you go for a shorter period, leaving your husband there and flying back with baby are being very unfair. If it's wrong for mum and baby to be separated like this, then surely its wrong to suggest a similar separation with the dad...

chipshape · 05/11/2018 14:10

I think it's a terrible idea. Not fair on the baby to be separated from you and not fair on you. Regardless of your DH bring a great dad, you are the baby's primary caregiver at the moment and hence his safe place. Being passed around loads of different relatives/strangers without you there seems like it would be stressful for a tiny baby.

ineedabagformyhippo · 05/11/2018 14:10

YANBU I wouldn't even be away from my 2 year old for that long!! (or my older children but I appreciate not everyone would feel the same). All seems a bit last minute if it was that important it would have been arranged before you'd booked your holiday.

JaniceBattersby · 05/11/2018 14:10

Kittens are not even removed from their mums until 12 weeks FFS. Why should a human baby be treated differently?

TheSheepofWallSt · 05/11/2018 14:12

Just no.
Baby far too young to be separated from it’s mother unless absolutely dire necessity. Which this isn’t.

I get that it’s unfair, but there are workarounds here - and if you as a couple aren’t willing to make them happen, then you as a couple should be putting baby first, and where baby needs to be is with you.

incywincybitofa · 05/11/2018 14:12

I do see Janet's POV -it's OK for DS1 to miss school for Disneyland but not a family reunion which may actually be a last chance to see great- grandma.
The flip side is I don't think your little baby would like to be away from you for that long and at that age it matters

Branleuse · 05/11/2018 14:13

I would take the 6 year out and go too

ineedabagformyhippo · 05/11/2018 14:13

And I agree with pp, if you're on maternity leave then you've been the baby's main caregiver so I think it's very cruel to separate them from you for a week and DH is not putting the baby's need first. Being passed around lots of relatives in a strange environment without you seems very cruel to me

Flower777 · 05/11/2018 14:13

You are supposed to be attached to your baby! It’s a good thing.

Either DH can go alone to see his grandmother or you wait until you can all go.

YANBU.

RainbowsArePretty · 05/11/2018 14:14

I think a good compromise would be DH going for longer to catchup with family and you and DC going just over the weekend so DC1 doesn't miss school

GoodJanet · 05/11/2018 14:18

Meeting great grandma has to come first.

If that means taking ds1 out of school for a few days so you can all go, so be it.

smithsinarazz · 05/11/2018 14:20

Good grief, no. Bonkers to suggest that a three-month-old that's still on the boob should be separated from his mother for any more than half a day or so. I don't want to sound unkind towards DH, but he's thinking more of himself than of the baby here.

CaptainCabinets · 05/11/2018 14:20

I think YABU on the basis that you’re happy to pull DS1 out of education for 10 days to go on holiday but you’re not happy for him to miss school so your DH can visit his grandmother with them, perhaps for the last time ever. You’ve got your baby’s entire childhood to spend with him, please don’t begrudge your DH this.

And all this about babies not being separated from their mothers...what about male couples who adopt from birth? Playing devil’s advocate here but think about it.

Your DS will be just fine with his other parent and he won’t remember not seeing you for a week.

MarshaBradyo · 05/11/2018 14:22

Even if you’re not bfding don’t feel you have to be separated