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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:

mellicauli · 05/11/2018 14:55

No..I wouldn't. In what way is this in the babies' best interests? Answer: it isn't. In what way could this be against baby's best interests? Answer: it could be very distressing to be away from primary carer for a whole week.

Being a parent means your baby's interests have to take priority over everything else and this is not being done for their benefit but for others. Put your foot down and say sorry, why would I potentially distress my child?

lovetherisingsun · 05/11/2018 14:55

I can see both sides, to be honest. It's one week. It may be the last chance the grandmothers gets to meet the baby. Your DH is still his dad - not letting him have his own child is a difficult one. Yes, as a mother, your baby knows you. But it'snot a brand new born. The baby is three months old now, it's only one week, it's not like it;s a month etc. It would be a lovely chance for dad to be able to bond with his child.

Anyway. If it really bothers you, just take the 6 year old out of school and you all go. It's no big deal. What you don;t want is your DH to hold resentment towards you for the rest of your life because you didn't "allow" this.

Jaxhog · 05/11/2018 14:57

It's a good reason, and you're sure your DH will cope, so I'd let them go. It will a good opportunity for some fatherly bonding, and for you to catch up on your sleep.

Butterflycookie · 05/11/2018 14:57

Just take the kid out of school or pay more in the holidays for you all to go. Don’t understand how it’s fine for him to be taken out of school to go to Disney but not for relatives?

Alwayscheerful · 05/11/2018 15:00

Could you spend Christmas Day with your parents and then take advantage of cheap flights on Boxing Day and fly out to spend a few day with your in-laws between Christmas and New Year, I find flights are cheap on Christmas Day or Boxing Day and often on NYE could you use Skyscanner and look at the cheapest flights in December. I think you need to go together if you are breastfeeding.

Seniorschoolmum · 05/11/2018 15:08

YAnbu. I wouldn’t have let ds go for a week at three months. If he’s bf at the moment, doubly no chance.

Branleuse · 05/11/2018 15:10

Your older child is six. Realistically hes going to be a week behind in colouring in and the alphabet. It just seems like a no brainer to take him out. Write a good letter to the head, detailing extenuating circumstances, such as family holiday, elderly grandparent, last time you might see her, only time your husband can go, that if you cant take the six year old then you will have to be away from your baby. Write the lot. Lay it on as thick as possible.
If they say no, then take him out anyway

bluetissuepaper · 05/11/2018 15:12

YANBU at all - it's not in the baby's best interests to be separated from his mother so young at all. I went to SIL's wedding in Spain when my DS was a similar age and the thought of my DH going without me for a week literally gives me chills.
I'd find a compromise so you can all go, maybe just for a long weekend

smithsinarazz · 05/11/2018 15:17

No, really, don't let him. I've just gone away and thought about it and got myself all wound up. Babies at twelve weeks are just learning about the world; a baby will have learnt who his mother is, and that she comes when he cries, and feeds him, and then -
one day, he's taken away from her, and he cries, and nothing happens, and nobody else has any boobs, and nobody smells like her...
and he cries some more, because he feels scared and betrayed and the world has shifted on its axis...
and still she doesn't come - not at the end of the day, not when he cries in the night, not the next morning, not ever.
and eventually he - stops crying, because he's stopped hoping she will. That's damaging.
It sounds to me as though you, and the children, and your parents, are all being treated as though the only thing that matters is DH being able to show the Fruit of his Loins off to his granny. Even if it screws the Fruit up.

Lazypuppy · 05/11/2018 15:17

YABU you have the option to go and are choosing not too.

BaronessBomburst · 05/11/2018 15:17

No, no, no. You cannot take a 3 month old baby away from the primary carer! The baby will be distressed. Take your 6 year old out of school and go for a long weekend.

Stringofpearls · 05/11/2018 15:22

Could you go for a long weekend so its only a couple of extra days off school? It is to see family after all, I think the holiday at Easter is less important than that really.

Hadenoughofallthis · 05/11/2018 15:25

But the Disney trip was presumably booked before this. And it's not that the OP is saying that's more important; just that this means another week out of school, on top of that. If it had been a toss-up between one or the other before Disney was booked, then they might have made a different decision.

ursuslemonade · 05/11/2018 15:26

I wonder OP if your husband had a sister living in Italy with a foreign husband and he would want to take a 3 month old baby away for a week to see his family without the mum...how would your in laws react?
Btw there is no way I would allow to be separated for a week from my 3 month old baby.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/11/2018 15:28

smithsinarazz, irrespective of whether she should go, or not you are being utterly melodramatic, and making a lot of presumptions about the Op and her husbands parenting, and laying on the guilt.

The baby is learning who it's parents are - mother and father, not just mother.
He's learned that when he cries, his mum OR dad come, and feed him. That doesn't always mean boobs, as baby is combi fed.

Whilst mum doesn't come if he cries when away, dad will - a scenario that's presumably pretty common already for the family.

A baby being with its other parent is not the same as crying it out. Utterly barking to suggest that it is.

No one lays it on thick like this if dad has to go away with work for a few days.

If this was a baby who had been 100% cared for my it's mother, no one else had cared or fed for him, fine, but parenting is a partnership.

It won't hurt the baby in the long or short term to go away with dad. Incidentally, due to illness, I was cared for my family members for a week as a young baby. It didn't affect my bond, and the only people that found it difficult were my parents - not me!

TchoupiEtDoudou · 05/11/2018 15:28

We went to visit family for a week when DS2 was nearly 3 months old. He was really unsettled being around lots of new people and was only happy in a sling on me. Not DH, but me. To be fair I was EBF but even so, they are so tiny and still need their mums at that age IMO.

MsHopey · 05/11/2018 15:29

I think most people have admitted they wouldn't be separated from their child at 3 months old, there are just an awful lot of other options that the OP has also declined.
Christmas time, too expensive.
Taking other child out, doesn't want to.
And what about all the posters saying you go for a weekend with both DC and leave DH there for a couple more days on his own. Win/win. All those posters have conveniently been ignored by OP.

babydreamer1 · 05/11/2018 15:32

YANBU at all! My DH is an amazing father but I'd never be away from my son for a week at 3 months, it's not healthy for mum or baby to experience separation anxiety at this point and your DH should respect your decision. Agree with PP, go all Friday to Sunday or just DP go.

Wenttoseainasieve · 05/11/2018 15:36

No way in hell would I be parted from my baby at that age. I breastfed so wouldn't have been possible anyway, but no.

howrudeforme · 05/11/2018 15:38

OP all go together (even if three of you cut short the stay).

You let him go alone this time it will happen again and again. And it will be arranged when you can’t go.

Compromise on this one. Make his family happy but do go as well.

I had all this.

Ghanagirl · 05/11/2018 15:41

I’m sorry no way would I let my 3 month go without me who is main carer at present?
Why do you need to take 6 year old out of school for holiday.
I thought time out of school was for emergency’s visiting family etc this would be a more appropriate time.
I can’t understand people who take kids out of school to go to Disney land

Melamin · 05/11/2018 15:45

There is a lot a 6 year old could get from this trip and I am scratching my head to see any advantages in it for a 12 week old.

Go as a family. I am sure great granny will get more from seeing her grandson, his lovely wife and the six year old too, even for a shorter time. In fact at gg's age, I think it is better to see them for a short while and enjoy it, and not to have everyone around running after a 12 week old whose mother is not there for a week.

Melamin · 05/11/2018 15:47

As for school - all my children went to every day of school. Bloody waste of time. Make sure he comes back with some demonstrable Italian to wow school with - something relevant to what they are doing in class?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2018 15:47

Give your DH a hug then tell him that you do trust him and know he is more than capable of looking after baby. Then explain you would miss either child if you were away from them for a week, youbarevsure he feels the same and understands, so you will go as a family. Then all go not at Xmas butbfor his grandmothers 90th birthday.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2018 15:48

That should say you are very sure.

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