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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
DayAtTheRaces · 05/11/2018 13:45

Oops - just re-read the original post and it’s a short haul flight, so almost certainly in Europe (no idea of the parent’s heritage though), so the country is probably a signatory to the “Hague Convention”.

I assume that the baby isn’t breast fed but even so I think it’s still too young to travel without the mother.

Why can’t the in-laws come to the UK for a visit?

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:46

DayAtTheRaces
Thank you for that information, although I don't have any concerns about that kind of possible scenario.
It's Italy.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 05/11/2018 13:46

Just read your last post. Definitely not in that case as baby is still breastfeeding, unless you want to give it up.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/11/2018 13:46

I would not be happy with DH taking my three-month-old on a week-long trip abroad without me. Too young.

YANBU.

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:47

DayAtTheRaces
The PILs have already come to stay for 1 month- in fact they have spent more time with my new DS2 than my own parents!

OP posts:
Santaisgettingbusy · 05/11/2018 13:48

Unless your dh is a very very hands on df is he sure to manage for a week??
After a week of bottles would your ds go back to bf? Is it worth risking that?

RedSkyLastNight · 05/11/2018 13:48

I'd say all of you go and take DS out of school. Maybe go for 2 or 3 days attached to a weekend to minimise the time he misses.

Unlikely to be a fine for this absence, and you will have to suck up any fine for the Easter trip (which presumably you knew anyway).

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2018 13:49

I couldn't stand to be separated from my three month old for a whole week. I think a lot of parents would feel the same.

Why does it have to be a week? Couldn't you all go for a long weekend? That way your DS1 would only miss a day or two of school and neither of you would have to be away from the baby. I think that would be a good compromise. If your DH is unwilling to compromise and is insistent it has to be a week or nothing then I would dig my heels in to be honest.

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:50

RedSkyLastNight

Yes we are going to get fined for the pre Easter trip, but having done the calculations, it is still much cheaper that way!

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 13:50

I would not have been able to tolerate that - you're only just coming out of the "Fourth trimester" and a baby that young is only just starting to really have any idea it isn't part of its mother. As you're still breastfeeding a separation this long will probably put an end to that - baby may well lose the ability to latch and your supply will gradually reduce. While they're actually away you'll be expressing to avoid mastitis, and your DH wont be able to take enough milk for a week on a plane without refrigeration, so will have to give formula.

At such a very young age you all go or the baby stays with you.

greendale17 · 05/11/2018 13:50

YABU-

**Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.**

^Why would you deny your DH to see his Grandmother for probably the last time and to introduce her Great Grandaughter.

I am with your husband on this. I can’t believe you can’t see how unreasonable you are being.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/11/2018 13:51

Unless your dh is a very very hands on df is he sure to manage for a week??

Shouldn't we presume that the father is a competent and equal parent unless we are told the contrary.

It's not the 1950s.

anniehm · 05/11/2018 13:52

I would not be comfortable but it's the right thing to do, or go for a shorter period and find someone to watch dd1

Santaisgettingbusy · 05/11/2018 13:53

And won't your other dc be miffed the relatives don't want to see him? Baby gets a holiday and he doesn't?

blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 13:53

anniehm why is it the right thing to do?

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:53

Re the BF- I'm happy to continue it at night currently and had been thinking of stopping all together. This is so I can focus a bit on getting my fitness back, exercising more etc

DH used this as a reason- saying that I plan to stop BF v soon anyway etc so DS2 will just be on bottles so anyone can feed him etc

I felt quite stung by this and now am questioning my decision making/thoughts processes

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 13:54

greendale what crap. Removing a 3 month old breastfed baby from its mother for a week is unreasonable.

Stressedoverkids · 05/11/2018 13:55

I think you need to look at this in reverse. Anybody think a mother couldn't take her 3 month old Ds to Italy for a week.

In saying that just take Ds1 out of school he is only 6

Original poster
SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:55

Re managing with a small baby- I have no concerns about DH being able to do this, he is a loving father and more than capable.

That's not the issue here. It's more about me not wanting to be separated from my 3 month old for 1 week- I am asking whether IABU

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 13:56

You say he's a fantastic father and your PILs have spent more time with the baby than your parents. It's also for a significant event for someone in poor health and you'd rather spend Christmas with your family. If you were saying you wanted to go to visit your parents for a week (4 hours away not 2 like his) and your DH was saying no, people would say he's unreasonable. If you really can't let DC2 go for that long all go Friday after school to Monday, you come back with DC1 Monday evening he goes back to school Tuesday so only misses one day, DP comes home with baby Thursday or Friday, it's only a couple of days apart then.

GoodJanet · 05/11/2018 13:56

So ds1 missing school to go to Disneyland is fine, but it’s not fine in order for a dying relative to meet ds2?

I can see where your priorities are and it’s not ds1’s education.

Dulra · 05/11/2018 13:57

My first instinct when I read this was no way. I would not be comfortable with this at all but then I remembered what a hypocrite I was being because I took my dd1 when she was 3 months old to visit my sister in france and it never entered my head how my dh might feel about it Confused

If you arw really uncomfortable with this i think you need to have an honest chat with your husband about how difficult you will find this and yes say you are possibly being unreasonable and maybe hypocritical (as in my case) but you would find the seperation too hard when the baby is so young.

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 13:58

If I were in your DHs shoes as a hands on, involved father, I'd be hurt too, he probably feels you don't trust him which isn't nice. The breast feeding thing is a red herring as you're planning to give it up soon for exercise and fitness reasons!

LagunaBubbles · 05/11/2018 13:58

Unless your dh is a very very hands on df is he sure to manage for a week??

Why wouldn't a Dad manage? OP has raised no concerns.

BakedBeans47 · 05/11/2018 13:58

YANBU. He can go on his own for his grandma’s birthday. Of course it would be lovely for his granny to get to meet baby but I don’t think it’s really a good enough reason to take such a young baby away from his mum for a week. If it were feasible for you all to go that would be the best solution but it seems it’s not really an option due to the holiday next year