Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unhappy about DH taking our baby abroad?

515 replies

SummerForever · 05/11/2018 13:29

Have name changed here.

AIBU to be unhappy & uncertain about allowing DH to take our 3 month old baby abroad without me?

He’s a fantastic father and there is no issue there.

Trip would be to see his family/my PILs. Short haul flight of 2hrs.

Also his grandmother is going to have her 90th birthday, she has been in poor health for a number of years now so he is concerned that it will be the last time he will get to see her and spend time with her etc.

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance. Lots of extended family would like to meet the baby, DH is one of 3 brothers and he has many aunties & uncles.

PILs obviously very keen to see baby again (they came to stay for 1 month when DS2 was a week old).

DH has some leave left and so would like to use it, I’m still on maternity leave so I could technically go as well.

The issue is that the trip would be later this month and so DS1 (aged 6) is in school and would need to be taken out for this.

We have already booked a holiday for next Easter and he will miss 10 days of the school year (long haul trip to USA).

My parents live 4 hours drive away and they both still work so would not be able to come down to look after DS1. More importantly, I would not feel comfortable leaving him here while the 3 of us go off abroad.

AIBU to be telling DH that I just don’t feel comfortable or happy with him taking DS2?

DH is quite upset that I feel this way- I am shocked that he has reacted like this and he is disappointed with my decision etc.

But for me, I think it’s just too soon for the baby to go away without me.

Am I being too clingy? or should I just let him go with DS2?
My gut tells me no but his reaction is making me question my judgement.
DS2 was an IVF baby after a number of years of TTC & miscarriages- I think I might be more over protective of him as a consequence.

What do others think, especially those with a similar aged baby?
I can’t see the wood for the trees!

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 05/11/2018 14:23

Hell would freeze over before I would allow anyone to take my baby abroad without me at that age.

MarshaBradyo · 05/11/2018 14:24

Me too Carrie luckily no one would suggest it

smithsinarazz · 05/11/2018 14:25

@CaptainCabinets, when a child is breastfeeding, the other parent isn't just as good. Besides, after a week of not breastfeeding, milk production will begin to dry up.
I wouldn't have dreamt of being separated from my son at that age, not even for a night, and nobody (NOBODY) would have asked it of me.

blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 14:25

captain adoption from birth is vanishingly rare in the UK, regardless of the sex of the adopters.

Storm4star · 05/11/2018 14:27

Also he would like to introduce DS2 to her as it might be last chance

I think ultimately you can decide what you want but if it was the last chance and was missed, your DH will never forget that. Think about whether you want that crack in your marriage. Find a way to go with them. Don't deprive him of this.

pumpkinpie01 · 05/11/2018 14:28

Why dont you all go Thurs night/fri through to Monday, then your 6 year old only has to have the Friday and Monday off school ? A week will seem like quite a while to be separated but if there really is no alternative the take the opportunity to catch up on sleep and do some fun stuff with the 6 year old.

LadyGregorysToothbrush · 05/11/2018 14:28

Removing a very young baby from its primary carer for a week is cruel. And unnecessary in this instance.

YANBU.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/11/2018 14:28

I would totally take the 6 year old out of school, unless he is behind or struggling with anything.

RomanyRoots · 05/11/2018 14:29

YANBU I wouldn't have allowed it at this age.
I know it's tough when you are miles from family, but baby comes first and at this age imo they should be with mum if at all possible.

Chunkymonkey123 · 05/11/2018 14:30

YANBU at three months old there is no way I would let my baby be a plane ride away for a week! Yes your DH is an equal parent but he is not doing equal parenting at the moment as you are primary care giver plus you gave birth to him 12 weeks ago so of course you and the baby have a greater bond atm!
I didn’t leave my baby over night for 10 months as I didn’t feel comfortable with it.

I think the whole meeting great grandma is a bit odd. The baby won’t have any idea what’s going on and all babies look the same at this age so I can’t really see what grandma would get out of it, particularly not when compared to the baby being removed from it’s mother for a week.

DrGradusAdParnassum · 05/11/2018 14:32

Hell would have frozen over before I'd have let anyone (including their DF) take any of mine away for a week at that age. Your DH is being unreasonable, in spades.

SpiritedLondon · 05/11/2018 14:34

I’m sorry but babies that age need their mothers. I appreciate it’s deeply unfashionable but they are predisposed to it - which when you consider their survival would have depended on back in the day makes complete sense. So YANBU.

BarbarianMum · 05/11/2018 14:37

No way would anyone have separated me from my baby at that age. I think you need to find another solution - all going at Chrustmas would be the obvious one. When does your ds1 go back to school? Around here not til the 7th of Jan so that's a week right there.

gnushoes · 05/11/2018 14:37

Of course great-grandma will get something out of it - what a daft thing to say. Wouldn't be separated from the baby if it was me though and agree with the suggestion of taking your DC out of school - but perhaps not for the whole week. Long weekend?

CatAndMice · 05/11/2018 14:38

No way would my 3 month old be taken away from me or a week!! And I’d not take my 3 month old away from DH either!

YANBU

Storm4star · 05/11/2018 14:42

The point I feel a lot of people are missing is that this is easily solved. You don't need to be away from your baby. Just take the 6 year old out of school, even if just for a long weekend. I think you are not unreasonable to not want to be away from your baby. But you are unreasonable if you won't facilitate the trip that clearly means a lot to your husband. Given it is so easily solved. And people commenting on what great grandma would get out of it, that's not the point. It clearly means a whole lot to the husband so a loving wife will try and make it work.

BigChocFrenzy · 05/11/2018 14:42

YANBU to not want to be separated from a young baby
Your DH is NBU to take him to see his gran for maybe the first and last time.

It's worth throwing money at it to satisfy you both
and also to let DS1 share the experience

Take him out of school and pay the fine if need be - if you explain the special circs there might not even be a fine

LL83 · 05/11/2018 14:43

Yanbu to not want to be separated from baby.

Yabu to stop dh taking baby to visit grandmother, find a way to go.

Hadenoughofallthis · 05/11/2018 14:44

Take your 6 year old out of school

Powerless · 05/11/2018 14:49

Nope! Babies at that age need their mummy for comfort. They know their mother's smell, heartbeat and face above all else. Please don't do this......

slappinthebass · 05/11/2018 14:49

No way on earth I'd agree to this if it were me. Fine if dad was the primary caregiver and you were the working parent, but he isn't and this is a newborn. I agree with the idea of you and the children going for half the week. Maybe let your son miss a day or 2 of school plus a weekend, I think you'd be fine with a short haul and a newborn and a 6 year old on the flight on your own.

Forgotmycoat · 05/11/2018 14:51

I'm sorry, this is utter madness.

You should not allow this op. Even if it means upsetting dh and his family. YOU need to advocate for your baby. It's not good for your baby to be separated from you. It will be distressing for baby. And as for being clingy, if you can't be clingy with your 3 month old baby, who CAN you be clingy with?
If you DIDN'T feel anxious about being separated from your newborn baby and thousands of miles away from, it would be worrying.
It's unfair in the extreme of dh to put you in this position. Say no.

MsHopey · 05/11/2018 14:52

Sounds like you are kind of coming up with reasons not to go.
Don't want DS to miss school (but I'm fine with him missing 2 weeks for a fun holiday, not for grandma).
I'm breastfeeding (except I'm stopping anyway).

I don't leave my son for more than a couple hours, and he's 15mo.
But also I would bend over backwards to make sure close members of my DHs family got to meet him before they died (90 is pretty old tbh and if not this year then when do they actually get to see family?).

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2018 14:53

No way on earth would I be ok with my dh taking a baby away at 3 months. Your baby was ivf and after miscarriages. I did ivf abroad and was surprised to learn the nhs recognises ivf babies are felt to be very very precious by their parents.

You are also breastfeeding. I know you’re thinking about stopping but you shouldn’t be under pressure to stop because the baby is going to be taken away for a week. What happens if he refuses to settle without the night feeds?

Your dh is foreign. Or has foreign roots. My take? Go. But don’t take your ds out of school again after the disney trip as you may need time during school to go to see relatives abroad.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 05/11/2018 14:53

Dd is 4 months old and I'd struggle with dh taking her away from me for a week (dc1 had his first overnight stay away from me aged 3 whilst I was in hospital having dd). I also have two aging Grandmothers, 96 and 94 respectively so I can understand the desire to want them to meet the new baby especially if he thinks time isn't on their side. In your position, we would all be going I think.

There are plenty of educational aspects to a trip to Italy for your dc1 and he would also benefit from spending time with extended family/seeing his Great Grandmother again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread