To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

Tbh that sounds a bit like you want to continue all your own traditions and ignore the fact that your DH family and traditions are different.

It will also grate a bit if you are ok spending most of Christmas day and late into the evening with your family but are setting times on his.

but at the same time xmas is for kids

It's for everyone.

but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults

In your opinion. Are people without children not allowed to enjoy Xmas?

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four

Not unreasonable in itself, except for the fact that this is going to ALWAYS involve you getting your way over Xmas Day, isn't it, because you also said this:

and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs

I really don’t know the answer. Maybe alternate years leaving earlier and others not.

On a side note I can think of nothing worse than refusing to give a tired over excited toddler a dummy on Christmas night. I would choose a time when nothing else is going on.

Compromise is the key word here you can’t expect your dh to change their Christmas routine if you’re not expecting your parents too either.

Yabvu I have to move the whole of Christmas week because i am getting divorced. Put your Christmas cookies out early. Post them to Santa. As an aside I wouldn't be getting rid of dummies on Christmas Day. It is supposed to be as hassle free as possible.

Christmas is for everyone not just for kids. It's a celebration and a festival - not about toys and Santa. If MIL's working you can't go earlier. Suggest boxing day instead perhaps?

Why can't they come to you? Do all the bits you want with ds, let him stay up for an hour or so when they get there, they can't expect dc to be out /up at midnight - family tradition or not imo.

Can your son not leave all his dummies at your pil’s for Santa to collect?

Or have Christmas Eve at your parents and Christmas Day at the in laws.

I think YABU. What you want is to have only English traditions.

I don’t see what’s wrong with you doing Portuguese Christmas on Xmas Eve and British Christmas on Xmas Day.

Why are you so desperate to erase your husband’s (and half your dc’s culture)?

I agree you should be starting your own traditions with your own family . The Christmas Eve travelling won't work with little ones if you want to get home and put the Santa treats out it is one of the best things with kids .
Compromise is the key can dh family come to you Christmas Eve ?
Just explain you don't want to travel late Christmas Eve with the kids yanbu .

Put the plate out with DC before you go, and explain that it's because you will be going straight to bed when you get back from PILs.

I think you do need to be accommodating. This is his families one day a year, Christmas practice (and it's widely spread across many European countries) and he always accepts yours.

Just dropping by to say forget the dummy to Santa business, not unless you want to be up all night when DS is already super excited!! Speaking from experience here

Unfortunately for you, your partner's Christmas is on Christmas Eve. So for him, this is like you saying you have never spent Christmas Day away from your parents.

I'm generally in favour of people stopping trying to travel around and please everyone but your version does seem v fair to you and your traditions, and unfair to him and his.

If you stayed at home, what would you be doing? Would you respect his Portuguese culture of Christmas Eve and introduce that or just want to replicate your childhood?

It doesn't sound as if you respect his traditions or input into what your family Christmas would look like.

So your Portuguese husband and in laws have routinely adjusted their Christmas celebrations for your work.

Your Portuguese husband has routinely spent the entirety of Christmas day with his in laws celebrating your way.

And now your in laws would like you to show a tiny bit of consideration and work around their work commitments and you don’t want to because you think it should be all about you and your traditions?

Is this a reverse?

I only asked if we could go earlier on xmas eve to get home earlier so we can have some time on our own, as we do on xmas day with the morning being just us and the afternoon & evening being with my parents. I didn't point blank refuse to go. I understand xmas eve is their day, but as it is their day I would have assumed they wouldn't be working.

I'm quite happy to not go to my parents on xmas day, they would understand and quite frankly have been waiting for the day we say we aren't coming.

I would also quite happily suggest everyone come here on xmas day, but since my brothers still live at home it would mean having 10 adults squished around a 4 person table in a tiny house which I don't think would be enjoyable for anyone. But am willing to do this if it was an acceptable compromise meaning we could have a bit of xmas eve to have a bit of our own family time. I doubt however PIL would travel xmas day tbh as is doesn't suit MIL...

I have suggested going to them on Boxing Day for the entire day, no one is working this day at all, but his mum said no.

but at the same time xmas is for kids

Since when?

I would hate being out that late on Xmas Eve. My favourite part is kids in PJ's watching a film before bed, with hot chocolates then putting out Santa's plate.

But in your situation you always get your own way on Xmas Day, so think you need to give DH and his family Xmas Eve.

It's only fair.

So your Portuguese husband and in laws have routinely adjusted their Christmas celebrations for your work.

I finish as early as possible, and it's only since being with me, my fiancé has actually spent xmas eve with his parents. They're xmas eve celebrations are in the evening, and generally we arrive before anyone else anyway, so they have in no way adjusted their celebrations around me. We have dinner, we have presents, we come home.

Xmas is for kids

Who said?

What about going to them for Christmas Day this year instead?

And now your in laws would like you to show a tiny bit of consideration and work around their work commitments and you don’t want to because you think it should be all about you and your traditions?

Not my traditions, traditions myself and my fiancé have discussed about starting with our children

Christmas is for everyone, not just for kids!

I wouldn't change things if I were you. Most people have parents and in-laws fighting for Xmas day and you've got a pretty easy set up with your in laws wanting Xmas eve. Also, your kids are half Portuguese, Xmas eve is their family tradition.

Do your santa plate before you go on Christmas Eve, you've got all of Boxing Day to watch films.

Stay at home.. start your own Christmas tradition...

You don't need time for yourselves every day plus if you don't go until the evening you have all day for yourselves.
Anyone working until 20:30 on xmas eve is hardly doing so through choice. YABVU go as normal have a late breakfast on xmas day and go to your parents late afternoon.

On reading your update, MIL is definitely the unreasonable one and needs to learn to compromise.

Have your Christmas Eve with your babies OP, you won't get these years back.