To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

A 2y7m old is a bit young for the "traditions" you are hoping to introduce.

Why can't you do the Christmas eve things before you leave and watch a Christmas film at the in-laws?

Then make it clear that next year (when your DS will have a clue what is going on) that you will be doing something different. The something different quite possibly meaning alternating Christmas Day with your parents if you're going to be working on Christmas Eve.

Ok seems I am being unreasonable, I thought I offered fair alternatives and only asked if it would be a possibility.

at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults. .......... ok then

Regardless of the traditions etc I personally think starting celebrations at 8.30pm with kids that young is a bad idea anyway.
My ExPIL used to invite us for Sunday dinner and then say it wasn’t being served until 6.30/7pm which was fine before we had kids, but as soon as they reached an age where they were sleeping through the night we had to ask them to do it earlier as they were usually asleep by 7pm.
They resisted but I had to be firm and start declining the invites and explaining why.
Funnily enough Sunday dinner got moved to 3pm which suited everyone a lot better.

Maybe explain to your ILs that the kids will be tired / grumpy at that time. If MIL is working there is little you can do and I’d suck it up this year, but maybe going forward you can ask for it to be changed

Christmas is celebrated on Christmas Eve in almost everywhere in Europe. If your MIL is working until 8:30 Xmas eve, why don't you host a traditional Portuguese Christmas dinner at your place? Since you're not going out to work, you and your DH could plan, shop and cook for your PIL What a lovely treat for them! I would practice making the special dishes beforehand so you know what to expect on the day itself.

Presuming that your own parents cook the traditional English Xmas dinner, you'd only be cooking the one meal the day before.

What is your partners opinion?

OP Why do you want to spend Xmas Day with your parents? After all, Xmas is for kids, not adults?

Once we had children we stopped going anywhere for Christmas. We didn't want the annual conflict of which grandparents we spent which day with and wanted to start our own way of doing it plus the inconvenience of travelling with small children.
Everyone is different and want different things.
Your dh and in laws need to be more flexible and compromise if it's more difficult for you.

why don't you host a traditional Portuguese Christmas dinner at your place?

They won't arrive here until around 10pm because of travelling from central London and MIL finishing at 830.

Just chill a bit with your expectations. You're getting worked up about nothing.

The dummy idea is terrible timing.

Do your santa plate and hang out stockings in the afternoon before you go to PiLs.

Go and enjoy PiLs and the Portuguese traditions.

Xmas morning have a chilled morning then go to your parents.

Boxing day watch shit TV/films.

I don't think YABU to want to come home earlier than normal given the circumstances but I would try and see if you can come up with something that suits you all. If MIL is working then she's working so I would think about possibly going for Christmas Day instead this year?

Another one for thinking you are the one being unreasonable. You get all of Christmas day with your family - and yet you want to squash your husband and his family's tradition of a couple of hours together so you can watch TV as an immediate family? You are choosing a movie over your husband's family time? Nuts. It takes all of 2 minutes to stick a plate out for Santa. Maybe cut short your time with your family on Christmas Day by staying home and watching the movie if you that is super important to you.

I hope MIL isn't planning on doing the cooking on Xmas Eve if she doesn't get home til 8.30 pm...
I think you just have to suck this visit up really if you want to be fair to your DH. Do the leaving stuff for Santa at your house before you go, put the kids in pyjamas at your mils home and drive home at say 10.30 or 11pm. Tell your mil that this is what you'll be doing beforehand.
Perhaps you could still go earlier as fil will be there presumably-then it's just mil that gets a shorter time than usual with you? Would it be possible for you or dh to help with the meal preparation so it's more likely to be ready and allow you to leave at a reasonable time?
Xmas eh?

What is your partners opinion?
He was in agreement that he would ask if we could move it earlier in the day, based on the fact we have to travel with two babies, and we are free to spend the whole day with them this year rather than just the evening.

He did push back with his mum that if she's working until 830pm, dinner will be around 9pm, and as she wants to see DS open his presents from them she wants us to keep him awake. This means dinner will probably be 930-10pm. We won't leave until 11pm earliest so won't be home until 1230-1am.

He's now saying we are going to theirs despite my concerns, and the traditions we discussed, are not important, as DS hasn't done them before and won't miss them.

Op I felt you were resonable right up until you said " have his Christmas eve box and watch a movie.

That means you want to erase what they usually do on the 24th. Saying " we don't want to remain up until midnight as I want ds to be able to leave biscuits and a drink for Father christmas"

UTTERLY reasonable.

However what you come across as saying is. " I want to do Christmas my way and avoid anything to do with the traditions dh and his family has.

Personally I would suggest DS leaves his dummies and milk/biscuits etc at PILS together with a letter explaining he will be at home. Father Christmas will see this and will know to go to his home.. Dummies will have gone completely and you will involve your PILS into something that can be a wonderful Christmas tradition for you all.

I'm quite happy to not go to my parents on xmas day, they would understand and quite frankly have been waiting for the day we say we aren't coming.

So are you going this year then?

Another one for thinking you are the one being unreasonable. You get all of Christmas day with your family - and yet you want to squash your husband and his family's tradition of a couple of hours together so you can watch TV as an immediate family? You are choosing a movie over your husband's family time? Nuts. It takes all of 2 minutes to stick a plate out for Santa. Maybe cut short your time with your family on Christmas Day by staying home and watching the movie if you that is super important to you.

I actually wanted to spend all xmas eve day with them this year... but MIL is working.

We don't spend ALL xmas day with my family just for xmas day dinner and the evening probably from around 2-3pm till 9pm, they live 20mins away. We do xmas breakfast and presents and silly Christmas music all morning on our own whilst we play with the new toys with DS...

Well, it shouldn't matter to you OP, since you say that Christmas is for kids!

I do think you're trying to micromanage a bit. Put the plate out for santa in the morning. Watch xmas films the day before. Of course you want to develop your own traditions but one of those traditions is a Portguese Xmas eve at the grandparents house. It'll probably mean a lot more to the DC in future years than putting a plate out at exactly 6pm for santa.

The only issue for the future will be when the kids get older and need to go to sleep in an actual bed but work that out in future years.

You are being unbelievably unreasonable! Wow.

You want everything to suit you. Keeping your side's traditions and visiting your parents every Christmas Day, starting your own family unit traditions, which presumably you will pick and all while dropping your DH's side's traditions.

Are you always this self centred?

I have some experience with the PT Christmas traditions and hence some sympathy for the OP...
In the beginning of our relationship, we also did the whole PT X-mas thing, which in our case was a dinner roughly starting around 22.00, followed by endless desserts. Presents would only be unpacked after midnight. We regularly were up until 04.00 (with people in different stages of sobriety etc. etc)
On Christmas day, everybody would be sleeping/hung over, no nice food was foreseen etc. etc. After the children arrived, I also had to cut this - I couldn´t even stay up anymore after 22.00! So we did no longer take part in the boozy - elongated celebrations but instead organised a Christmas eve more on our terms: dinner at 20.00, followed by presents and kids to bed at 24.00 at the latest. I don´t think the PT is really a ´tradition´, more of a habit. The tradition is merely that Christmas eve is when you have dinner and presents, the exact time thereof is not stipulated!

I'm with Erika, Santa's mince pie, etc at ILs, your son will sleep on the way home and you can put him straight to bed.

OP I understand your situation quite well. DH is not Portuguese but does come from a country where Christmas Eve is the day to celebrate rather than Christmas Day. I honestly don't think you are being unreasonable to want to establish your own traditions. There is compromise to be had and it makes it more exciting for the DCs as they get the best of both worlds. In your case, what you are offering (earlier start with ILs & then home to do your own thing) is I believe the best compromise.

Also, are there any other special gift-giving days in Portuguese culture over December when you could make special arrangements with them?

However what you come across as saying is. " I want to do Christmas my way and avoid anything to do with the traditions dh and his family has.

Actually the fact MIL has work, will have affected their ability to do their xmas eve traditions far more than me asking if it can be moved to an earlier time.

As far as I can see, their xmas eve traditions are salted cod & cabbage for dinner, which DS doesn't eat and isn't offered an alternative. And doing presents way past any 2yr olds bed time (but it's xmas so bedtime goes out the window anyway I guess!)

There are no religious ties to it, despite my fiancé attending mass as a child, which PILs no longer do.

Could they not go to your house instead?