To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

Put the plate out for santa in the morning. Watch xmas films the day before. Of course you want to develop your own traditions but one of those traditions is a Portguese Xmas eve at the grandparents house. It'll probably mean a lot more to the DC in future years than putting a plate out at exactly 6pm for santa.

This is almost exactly what I think. I've always been rather envious of people with grandparents or other family who contribute different ways of doing things. I think it must be great for children to experience more than one set of traditions and celebrations.

I do think it’s reasonable to expect to continue traditions from your husband’s side of the family. It isn’t reasonable for mil to expect very small children to kept up that late.

If she’s working until 8.30 pm she presumably has the morning off- could you go then so she can see the children open presents? Perhaps your husband and FIL could cook the traditional dinner while MIL is at work so it’s ready when she gets in, feed the children early on so they can sleep, then have a grownup dinner when MIl gets in.

YANBU - and I speak from experience.
My DH's family always did Xmas Eve as the main event and we joined in every year and tried to keep it going when we had young DC.
They served the starter for the meal at 7.30 - which was our DC's bed time. They wanted us to keep her up late which caused 2 problems - firstly she was just miserable and tired, so I spent the evening sitting with her in another room trying to stop her crying. And secondly, she was grumpy as hell on Xmas day because she was still really tired. So we had a crap Xmas eve and it made Xmas day at lot less fun for all of us.
So we did not do it again - they thought we were being massively unreasonable, but it just wasn't worth it for us.

Is there room to stay the night at in laws? That way you get the traditional Portuguese Christmas Eve but you can still put out mince pies for FC and put DC to sleep at a reasonable time, obv after MIL gets home and has done all her traditional stuff. You get to enjoy a later night too, with littluns in bed.

Out of interest what time does MIL start work?

your own family unit traditions, which presumably you will pick and all while dropping your DH's side's traditions.

Traditions myself and fiancé have discussed and he has made Santa's plate for 

I don't want to drop them at all, it is important for me to help my children experience both sides of their heritage whilst also having their own Christmas.

I just would've liked to have moved them to an earlier time, that would've meant spending the full day with them rather than a few hours in the evening. I didn't realise at the time of my suggestion MIL would of been working as she never has previously.

@Inertia has the best idea. Sorted🎅

MIL is working a full 12hr shift 8am-8pm.

I could however do the xmas plate at PIL's and letter to Santa, leaving the dummies there, as a previous poster mentioned, I hadn't thought of this. Although half the fun & magic is created seeing a half eaten mince pie & Santa's drink gone in the morning with a reply from Santa.

He probably is too young to even realise anyway...

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids

So, you really now want to do your own thing on Xmas Eve, your own thing on Xmas Day morning (which you don't want to change), then go to your parents on Xmas Day afternoon and eve, just as you have done for 29 years. You talk about wanting to have your own traditions as a family but they seem mostly about keeping things how you want them.

If you want to have your own traditions and do your own thing, then actually DO that. Why don't you spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day just the four of you? What's wrong with that? As I mentioned earlier, if Christmas is for kids, you don't need to go to see either sets of adult parents, do you?

If your MIL can't see you all earlier than 8.30-9pm, then I think it's totally fine to not go this year. But you need to think about next year...

This year invite them to yours for Christmas Eve. Your DS can do all the Christmas Eve stuff and go to bed on time. Your DH can cook them the salted cod and cabbage etc for a late supper when they arrive. They will unfortunately miss out on seeing their DGS open anything on Christmas Eve, so perhaps you could invite them to stay for breakfast and stockings? Then they can travel back to their house for the rest of Christmas Day.

There are other options too as PPs have suggested.

Reading through your updates OP I can see you have offered other options. What time does mil start work on Xmas eve? Could you stay over on the 23rd to wake there and have bits before she goes to work? Could you go to you dm just for gifts and come home for Xmas dinner so your dh doesn’t feel it’s a whole day with your family particularly if they live closer?.

Or have the in-laws Christmas feast on the Sunday, and travel home on the Monday...

You all can come up with a compromise on this.

Ideally your MIL would be able to change her shift and you could spend most of Christmas Eve with them, before taking the little ones home and putting them to bed.

I think you have had a hard response on here OP! There is absolutely NO WAY that I would want to be keeping a grouchy and exhausted two year old up that late and then driving (quite a distance) home at midnight (ESPECIALLY not whilst heavily pregnant). It would be different if you were staying overnight at your in-laws but as you are heading home, I think that it’s only fair that you go earlier and leave earlier. I also think that you would get a very different response if there were not a different culture involved!

FWIW if you have to forego Christmas Eve with his family, then you should not go to your families Christmas either! I would consider saying ‘As I am heavily pregnant and DS is a toddler, we won’t be dragging him out late on Christmas Eve. He will be exhausted staying up until midnight and it won’t be fair putting him through another hour or so’s drive home that late at night. We will have Christmas at home just the three of us, so DS can play with his toys and both families are welcome to pop past to wish us a Merry Christmas. Once DS and new baby are older and better able to cope with later nights and travelling back and fore, we can reconsider.’

You can then offer to visit in-laws earlier on Christmas Eve and visit your family on Boxing Day.

From reading up on Portuguese Christmas traditions, it seems when children are little and therefore unable to stay up later until midnight, then parents put the baby Jesus under the tree followed by the gifts which the children can then open in the morning. So I think your in-laws are being U in expecting your two year old to be able to stay up late on Christmas Eve, especially with your having to travel home late too! You could offer to stay overnight with your in-laws on Christmas Eve Eve, allowing them to share their traditions with your ds, just a night early?

Your mil is working. This later plan normally suits you. Put out stocking and mince pie before you leave to go to PIL.

Think about what will work most years rather than the one yr you are off.

Apologies speed reading got me - I would DEFINITELY NOT be dragging a two year old AND a 10 week old newborn baby out that late on Christmas Eve! This is unreasonable and not fair on you, DS or DD! Congratulations on your new baby girl OP x

She's not pregnant, CalQueen... baby is 10 weeks old.

I also think that you would get a very different response if there were not a different culture involved!

Well ... yeah! I think that's the central dilemma, no? That the Portuguese celebrate on Christmas Eve evening rather than Christmas Day, so how to honour that tradition?

I don't think the OP is at all unreasonable in not wanting to keep a 2-year-old up till gone 9pm for a meal he won't enjoy. But it should mean everyone thinks creatively about how to keep the traditions when there's a clash of needs to be met.

Children are really adaptable and will mould to different traditions or circumstances, I find. It's usually the adults being intractable that's the issue!

Sorry, I also think YABU, I understand the plate and carrots and all that, but surely family is much more important at Christmas? I know that for my kids the best part of Christmas is having all the extended family around and the few times we have been on our own they have not liked it at all and found it a bit sad

Could you not leave the plate for Santa out before you go to London and take the Christmas' Eve box with you for him to open?

I love Christmas, but I do worry that this prevalent idea now about having "your own traditions" may sometimes get in the way of what really matters at that time of year, time with your loved ones extended family included!

I think OP you're getting a really hard time here, and unnecessarily so. You haven't said you're refusing to go, you've simply asked to change the timings to fit in with your young children and the new traditions you'd like to create as a family.

Usually on these types of threads most people are "time to start your own traditions" now OP (and her fiancé) have discussed this and agreed it she's being piled on and called all sorts.

Has no one picked up on the fact they'll be travelling up to 4 hours on Christmas Eve with small children, one a very young baby or that OP's fiancé didn't spend Christmas Eve with his parents before OP came along?

OP you're not being unreasonable in any way; you've offered alternatives that have been rejected because it seems like MiL wants her own way and your fiancé is pandering to her rather than standing firm on the decision you and he made together.

Quite a few people have gone on about OP spending Christmas Day with her family and not being willing to change that, but has her fiancé even asked her to or does he enjoy that tradition?

Only on MN would anyone in the world think it was reasonable for parents with DC of 2.7 and 10 weeks to be be out/ up at that time of night. YANBU OP. It's not your fault that MIL has to work. But you need to find another time to see them and YABU to insist on Christmas day with your parents every year. Why not see in laws on Christmas day and your parents on Boxing day?

It does all sound a bit late, but it is a special occasion.

Can you switch some things around? So move some late evening stuff with ds to earlier - Xmas film, Xmas Eve box before you leave for ILs, and then he can do the Santa plate, hang up stocking etc while half asleep when you get back? If it wakes him up a bit, then put on a Xmas film and settle down and you'll all fall asleep together on the sofa, then carefully carry children to bed when you wake in the wee hours....

It's a bit like night potty training - don't really wake the child, just quietly guide them to the loo, keep the lighting low, speak softly etc, "off to bed darling, sshhh, it's all right" and so on.

Not a bad thing for children to get used to in general. Then they fall asleep in the car and get quietly carried from car to bed in lots of different circumstances. Sometimes dd didn't wake at all, sometimes she stirred a little and then settled happily while being carried, sometimes she woke a little but was fine being carried and slipped into bed. She has even climbed 2 full flights of stairs without opening her eyes while I held her hand and guided her.

And I've found that Xmas traditions are best if they evolve organically as it were.

Thanks NoSquirrel- yes I realised that and corrected and apologised for my mistake!

I’m sorry but they both have their own cultural celebrations, at the age of OP’s two DC, the op’s family should be staying at home and having their own version of their cultural celebrations! There is no reason why the OP and her DH can’t hold a Portuguese celebration together in their own home on Christmas Eve, then hold their own version of Christmas Day again in their own home! Telling both of their families they are welcome to visit! They could also as I said above, offer to stay over at her in-laws on Christmas Eve Eve and go through the celebrations that they would have on Christmas Eve. Then visit OP’s family on Boxing Day.

Plenty of mixed culture families manage to compromise, dragging an infant and an over excited and exhausted toddler home at midnight on Christmas Eve, then having to set up Christmas when they get home is just crazy!

You haven't said you're refusing to go, you've simply asked to change the timings to fit in with your young children and the new traditions you'd like to create as a family.

But the established cultural traditions of 50% of the extended family don't count?

OP you're not being unreasonable in any way; you've offered alternatives that have been rejected because it seems like MiL wants her own way and your fiancé is pandering to her rather than standing firm on the decision you and he made together.

OP is trying to change the timings to a time when the MIL is at work - I don't think that's the MIL being intractable or "wanting her own way" - I think it's an employment issue!

It is not unreasonable to not want to travel for hours at an inconvenient time on Christmas Eve with small kids. But it would be unreasonable to then say you can't find a totally different creative solution instead because you MUST be at home for the Santa plate and cookies...

I think we're in agreement, CalQueen - I have also suggested all those things

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You have 2 young children and want to do your own things with them too - that's normal. It's a shame your MIL is working until late but it shouldn't stop you and your fiancé choosing to start your own traditions with you children.

TBH even contemplating being out that late with 2 small children on Xmas Eve and then having to drive home and probably get up early the next morning too makes me break into a cold sweat!! Be kind to yourselves and take the pressure off a bit.

Traditions begin naturally. You don't "discuss about starting them"

They just are....