To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

I think a lot of posters on your thread have entered some kind of weird parallel universe OP. It's ridiculous to expect you to take your toddler to your in laws for 8.30 on Christmas eve. Absolutely ridiculous. Does your P normally prioritise his parents' needs over everyone else's? What other alternative suggestions have your in laws made? I wouldn't do this. Just say no.

No one has a problem with OP creating her own traditions if she was doing so in a way that affected both sides of the family, but her plans were to keep all of her traditions while dropping all of her husbands. It is normally also the case that people say that those working at christmas are doing essential jobs and should be worked around.
If the OP was suggesting splitting xmas day between the 2 families or spending the whole period at home no one would suggest she was being unreasonable but wanting to relegate the iLs to either when they are working or a day that has no significance in their culture while spending the majority of xmas day with her parents is unreasonable.

Well if MIL is working from 8:30am to 8:30pm I think they are being unreasonable to expect you to keep little tots out that late. Nothing to do with you not respecting their traditions.
If MIL can't change her shift, tell them you can't make it this year as it's too late and start your own traditions (incorporating the Portuguese ones, of course) at home.

As an aside I think it's the ideal time to get rid of the dummy, lots of distractions.

You could prepare the plate and everything and bring it home. I only suggested leaving dummies there because then you can have fun during the day gathering them up to take- and it’s easier for pils to bin them. Could you not stay over at pils Christmas Eve night and go straight to your parents from there Christmas Day.

And then September next year host Christmas Eve at yours. Give plenty of notice. That’s a decent compromise

I haven't RTFT but could they not come to you to celebrate Christmas eve. Then DC can go to bed at a decent hour, having left things out for Santa etc. and you and PIL can continue to celebrate and they can go home later?

My OH is working on the 23rd, and MIL is working 8am-8pm on xmas eve.

FIL is preparing the dinner anyway, and we offered to go earlier and help him. The sticking point is leaving earlier than usual (midnight).

I thought offering to be there all day, and offering to come and spend Boxing Day with them all day, were reasonable. I haven't asked them to travel to us, which I know they feel is an inconvenience.

I 100% do not want to "rub out" portuguese traditions which some people seem to think is my aim. My children are half Portuguese and I want them to know and be proud of their heritage. I wish I knew more, but unfortunately OH admits himself that he has lost sight of his heritage and can't teach me much. I am trying to learn Portuguese, and can understand much more than I can speak. I want my children to be multi-lingual. I think that is important for them just as much as it is for OH and his family.

I only said I haven't spent a Christmas Day apart from my parents in 29yrs just because that's how it's always panned out. Before having the babies, we could stay out to all hours of the morning, eating endless deserts and drinking til silly o clock, and powering through mini hangovers on xmas day. But since having the babies, that has changed. We now only do xmas day late lunch and evening with them so we can have the morning where DS, and in the future DD too, can play with their new toys at home and don't have to rush to get ready to go out.

My parents however do seem to understand more that having young children sometimes means that plans/traditions have to change.

If we had a big enough house, I would gladly have both sets of parents over to us on xmas eve and do Portuguese xmas, have them all stay, and then have English xmas on xmas day. That way my DC don't have to be rushed about for anyone, they can follow their usual nap & bedtime routines . But unfortunately we live in a two bedroom house with a very small kitchen and one reception room. We physically don't have space to accommodate everyone. When we finally buy a house, in the next few years hopefully, this is our plan. But right now it's just not feasible.

I suppose I just kind of feel like MIL has made it slightly more difficult agreeing to work this year, when she hasn't previously. I don't feel like she was particularly considerate of her grandchildren and that somehow it is my fault she won't see them open presents from them.

But as the majority of you seem to feel I am being unreasonable, I'll just have to wait until we get our own house and make our own traditions from then.

Next year when I'm back at work, we won't be able to spend xmas eve day with them, it will go back to just the evening, as it is in my employment contract that I have to work being as though it is one of the busiest retailing days.

If OH hadn't changed his job earlier this year he would've been working xmas eve night this year, and we would've either not gone to his parents or we would've just gone in the day time, and last year he worked xmas day night, so didn't actually do xmas day traditions with my parents. So no year is ever exactly the same.

I think this year is a right off as regard to keeping every one happy.
I'd focus on next year, will you be working then?
So, ch will be older and need their own bed. Pil come to yours, dh hosts and you come home later.
This year, I'd prob suck it up as long as next year is sorted.

NoSquirrels no I'm not saying 50% of their cultural traditions should be dismissed, but with two such small children they don't really get to partake just yet do they? And if those traditions are important to OP's fiancé then there's absolutely no reason they can't include them in the day themselves, then see the in-laws on Boxing Day (an offer already made and rejected).

And it's not entirely down to MiL working, she's outright said "no" to the offer of the whole of Boxing Day- actual quality time with the grandchildren when they're awake and less likely to be grumpy.

I appreciate that different customs and traditions are important, and including both sides of the family, but the timings make little sense with such small children and so much travelling; time is limited and no one is really able to relax and enjoy themselves properly.

But boxing day has no significance in that culture so it is no different to offering to spend any other Wednesday with them. The days with significance I believe are the 24th and 25th rather than the 25th and 26th as in English culture so the compromise may well be in spending part of xmas day with the in laws and then boxing day with OPs parents...

I agree with others that you are being a little unreasonable. Perhaps the best thing this year would be a complete change to your usual? How about most of Christmas Eve with your family and then Christmas day with his. Timings wise this seems to work far better with everybody's commitments.

This is a tricky one.
My inlaws are abroad in a country where the main Christmas meal is xmas eve night. They start drinking at 8pm, and food generally starts about 9pm, 1.5hrs after ny dc are normally in bed. By the time food arrives they have eaten so many of the nibbles that they eat no dinner and are then whiney and grouchy until we are finally able to leave at around midnight. I can't even put them to bed part way through the meal because the meal isn't at the house we stay in. Putting them on a sofa to sleep doesn't work because older cousins are running about shrieking. Last time they finally got to sleep at almost 1am and got up at 7am regardless, so they (and us) were then tired and grumpy for xmas day.

Unfortunately because we go for a week there's nothing I can do about it, but with little children I wouldn't keep them up stupidly late. In your position I'd probably take a break from the Xmas eve thing for a couple of years until the kids are big enough to deal with a very late night.

If you do go this year, feed the dc before you go, then it doesn't matter if they refuse the bacalao. Take an ipad with a load of films or cartoons and let dc watch that while adults eat. Put dc to bed on sofa with blanket if you can then transport to car when time to leave.

How about most of Christmas Eve with your family and then Christmas day with his. Timings wise this seems to work far better with everybody's commitments.

This doesn't work because their Christmas is celebrated on xmas eve, being Portuguese, and my side celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, being English.

When DC are older, they're going to love having two Christmas days.

8.30pm is far too late for children of that age to be up and starting festivities, maybe put children to bed after you’ve done your own Christmas Eve things then send DH on his way to see his parents?

What does your partner want to do?

OP does your MiL have to work Christmas Eve or has she chosen to?

OP does your MiL have to work Christmas Eve or has she chosen to?

She is bank staff at a hospital, so is asked to work certain days and can say yes or no to them. She has agreed to work xmas eve, so now she has to.

What does your partner want to do?

He wants to avoid all conversation about it.

I think it would be a bit mean to leave early this year. You can prepare the plate etc at their house and promise DS you'll put it out when you get home. For next year start talking to everybody early and arrange something different.

I don't think YABU.
It all sounds a mad bloody dash to me, transporting young kids around so late at night.
Don't go anywhere and tell both sets of parents they are welcome to pop round to yours or not, as they wish.
Visiting at Christmas changes as families change.
You are just asking to go earlier and leave earlier so I don't see why people are acting as if you are ruining Christmas!

I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs

Yet it's taken for granted that your OH won't see his own family on Christmas Day. And apparently your DC are also fine to be kept up on Christmas Day but not on Christmas Eve. Double standards, much?

You don't have to stick to the days though do you? For example, we often end up having two Christmases, one of them just isn't the 25th, even though both sides are English! To me the date is not as important as spending a good time with family.

Breaking this down, I would say taking a baby and a toddler to a family dinner for 8:30 to eat at 9:30, with a long drive home and a busy day the following day is a crap idea, regardless of the occasion. Stay home and get the kids to bed.

The idea of having these inflexible "traditions" is also a bad idea. You don't have to be at home for xmas, you could stay with family one year. Perhaps the brother in Cyprus will invite you over one year. With you say no because you also watch a film on xmas eve and eat breakfast at home?

Mine weren't that bothered about films at that age. They lost interest. There will be plenty of films when he's older.

I doubt that MIL has chosen to work Christmas Eve, this is a prime day for most to want off (as well as Christmas Day) and it is the custom, in mainland Europe to celebrate on Christmas Eve. I don't know why some posters aren't understanding that.

My family is Austrian and Christmas Eve is all important; Christmas Day not so much or at all.

I wouldn't allow a partner to dictate the whole scheduling of where we'll be at Christmas. It's beyond selfish to do that.

OP you have got some pretty unhelpful replies here as your OP is quite poorly worded. The issue isn't really about whether or not you 'want to make your own traditions' but the fact this set up won't work anymore now you have children.

If you had written: "AIBU to not celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve with my inlaws as my MIL doesn't get back from work until 8.30pm? I am pregnant, have a two year old, and it will involve us getting home at 2am the night before we have to travel to do Christmas Day with my parents, and I think we will be too shattered to enjoy it. I have suggested seeing ILs on Boxing Day instead but they are refusing. "

… then you might have got some very different responses!

Yet it's taken for granted that your OH won't see his own family on Christmas Day. And apparently your DC are also fine to be kept up on Christmas Day but not on Christmas Eve. Double standards, much?

OHs family don't do anything on xmas day, if they did, we would alternate yearly.

And DC aren't kept up on xmas day, they have a bedroom there that they can nap in, and as we only live 20-30mins apart, if we leave at 9pm as is usual, we are home by 930pm and this doesn't affect DS's mood the next day.