To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

OHs family don't do anything on xmas day

Since this is the case - and since your DPs are more open to compromise - how about this:

Christmas Eve at PILs
Christmas Day just the four of you at home, making your own traditions
Boxing Day at your DPs

BastardKitty, normally I'd agree with you; I do generally think it's the MILs who are being UR, not least because it's often the DILs writing the posts. On this occasion, I do think OP is being unfair, and I think when children are her son's age they can have a quiet afternoon, small nap or whatever (and will sleep in the car anyway) so can stay up later because it's Christmas. I don't think it's so bad for that to happen once in a while, I really don't.

@PrimalLass she will be 4months old... she's 10weeks old now.

"but leave as soon as dinner is done 930pm latest"

Good look with that if his mum doesn't get in until 8.30pm!

As a pp puts-it's the travelling.

How did things work out when he was young with a 9pm meal & a midnight exchange of presents?

I AM NOT THE MIL.

And yes travelling is not ideal, however i am willing to do it because it's not a daily occurrence and it is Christmas after all. I want my children to be able to see both sets of grandparents and us travelling is the only way this will happen.

MIL is bank staff at a private hospital. They call on her when she is needed, and because of this she can refuse a shift if she doesn't want to work it. Some weeks she works 7 days, some weeks she doesn't work at all

Is she working Christmas Day? If she's working Christmas Eve and not Christmas Day then that is the daftest thing I have ever heard

@diddl when my DH was as young as either of our children are now, his parents were in England and he was in Portugal with his brother and his grandparents, who they both lived with until my OH was 2yrs old.

@toomuchtooold she has xmas day and Boxing Day off, as usual.

@Puzzledandpissedoff the problem is mil has agreed to work until 8pm on xmas eve, the day they celebrate xmas... meaning we won't be eating until 830-9pm, and she's expecting me to keep my toddler awake so she can see him open his presents. He's usually in bed by 7pm. My dd will be 4months old by then and ideally will also be sleeping in a similar routine to my toddler.

@Lala2989 YANBU at all. It’s madness for them to expect you to do this and not arrive home until 1am!

I can’t believe all the people on this thread telling you how wrong you are would happily put their 2year to bed at 1am on Christmas Eve.

My three year old would never sleep through being moved from car seat to bed, and having had 1.5 hours of sleep in the car would not settle for ages as it would have taken the edge of his tiredness.

Your MIL expecting your children to stay up that late is massively unreasonable.

@Butterymuffin I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's all about MiL's wants irrespective of the children's needs.

Going to bed a 'bit late' would be 8-9, not gone midnight, but as long as MiL gets her way who cares if a little boy is sleep deprived.

Anyway, it seems @Lala2989 your fiancé is now onboard and I agree with PP's you can do all your new traditions before you set out for the in-laws; Christmas Eve box first thing with Christmas jumper or new pj's to take with you, maybe a small age-appropriate Christmas craft then a short movie and possibly some Christmas songs to listen to in the car on the way. This way you can adjust these small traditions in years to come to suit timings. You could even see if you can find a nice Christmas audiobook to put on for the little ones to fall asleep to on the way home. That would be quite a sweet little tradition to start and one that could evolve as your children get older.

Glad your OH seems to have seen sense now. If you do end up going your inlaws may realize that a late night celebration won't be too enjoyable with two overtired grandchildren.

Whilst the kids are young it would seem that CE might only work if the meal was eaten at lunch & presents exchanged early evening.

Imagine how great it would be to not have to alternate visiting or hosting on CD as one set of parents celebrated on CE!

You have the whole day on Christmas Eve to do the box / Santa’s plate / watch movies etc
It seems unfair to not follow your dh family traditions whilst doing your own.

Sod the in-laws, sod your parents and have Xmas day and Xmas eve at home. I am a selfish cow and as soon as I had a child I decided it was my little family Christmas now, not doing everything I was expected to. Christmas Eve with little ones is brilliant and the in-laws should understand what it's like.

she has xmas day and Boxing Day off, as usual

Whaaat? Are they shut on those days then? I'd have thought she was the ideal candidate to work those days if she isn't bothered about them and almost everyone else is.

Maybe the MIL would be relieved if OP cancelled. The thought of cooking a family dinner after a 12 hour shift is pretty awful to me. Ot sounds l8ke this year it's just not going to work out.

I get the problem OP as my DH is German so Christmas Eve is the big deal for him. We are lucky though in that he always works over Christmas so it is always here. However, it does require compromise.

If it were me I'd do the Santa plate etc in the afternoon before you leave for PILs when DS is awake enough to remember. I'd also make it crystal clear to PILS that you would be bringing a travel cot to put up in another room when you get to PILs and say it is presents and then bed for the DC BEFORE dinner- the big advantage of Christmas with a reluctant sleeper is that you can tell them Santa won't come if they don't go to sleep. You and DH can then have dinner and go home. If you take DS straight to bed he won't notice if the Santa plate is untouched.

That way they get Christmas Eve as they've always had it but you need to be clear that you will not accept any deviation from your script as far as getting DC to bed is concerned.

I'd also stake out next year very clearly and very early- eg Christmas Eve at normal time if it is at your house and they come to you OR it has to be quite a bit earlier in the day as trying to wrangle 2 over-excited toddlers will be a nightmare....

Sod the in-laws, sod your parents and have Xmas day and Xmas eve at home. I am a selfish cow and as soon as I had a child I decided it was my little family Christmas now, not doing everything I was expected to. Christmas Eve with little ones is brilliant and the in-laws should understand what it's like.

THIS...

Fuck that OP, I wouldn't be going, it's far too late for little ones. And Christmas day is mad busy so I would want to be at home at 9pm chilling in my pjs too.

Offer the ILs to come to you Christmas day morning. Or boxing day as you have said. Your MIL shouldn't have taken that shift if she wanted to celebrate the day.

If your dh makes a fuss just explain its too late for the toddler. Regardless of what you have done in the past things change when you have dcs.

Fuck that OP, I wouldn't be going, it's far too late for little ones. And Christmas day is mad busy so I would want to be at home at 9pm chilling in my pjs too

agreed

" DH is German so Christmas Eve is the big deal for him. "

But does that ean a 9pm meal & midnight exchange of presents?

The last thing I would want to be doing is driving home that late with 2 little ones.
If she's agreed to work it's clearly not that important to her.
Do whatever works best for you guys.
Have an awesome Christmas x

the problem is mil has agreed to work until 8pm on xmas eve, the day they celebrate xmas... meaning we won't be eating until 830-9pm, and she's expecting me to keep my toddler awake so she can see him open his presents

Yes I realise this bit, but surely the point is that, having chosen to work, she can't have it all ways ... isn't the point that you'd all be together the more important thing?

FWIW your DH's suggestion of Christmas Eve until 9.30 or Boxing Day sounds sensible, but if she goes with the 24th be prepared for her to "delay" dinner to keep you there

In the end, maybe Fishcakey's idea could be the most realistic one now you have your own family - stay home for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and see them all either just before or just after