To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

I think this year, do the Santa plate, watch the movie in the afternoon, feed your children at 6pm, then put them in PJ's and drive the 1.5 hours to IL's. When MIL comes in at 8.30pm, DC to open their present straight away, then pop them down on the couch to rest (and hopefully fall asleep). Adults eat cod, chat, you all leave about 10.30pm to get home at midnight. Kids will hopefully fall asleep about 9pm, transfer in and out of the car asleep and then to bed when home.

Whilst there, mention that this will NOT be doable the next year with 2 small kids, it's too far, too late and they can come to you, welcome to stay overnight.
If you normally work Xmas Eve and IL's don't, then they can drive the 1.5 hours trip to be there when you finish work, surely.

OP if you wanted traditional English Christmas maybe you should have had babies with someone of same background

I was actually hoping to do both Portuguese & English traditions as we have every other year.

I love my OH, his race, culture, heritage nor traditions come into it.

There would've been no issue if MIL hadn't of agreed to work, it was a choice she made. We would've gone earlier and left earlier.

Which bit of boxing day is no different to any other Wednesday in their culture do you fail to understand?
And I hardly think that you can really expect a bank NHS member of staff not to work over the festive period. At the very least MiL probably works with the same people regularly and must have enough respect to realise it is only fair if she works some of the less desirable shifts over xmas.

Which bit of boxing day is no different to any other Wednesday in their culture do you fail to understand?

I actually think that's pretty rude. It's not about failing to understand, it's about offering an alternative, or addition, to a day MIL has chosen to work.

Seriously OP I hope you never need the health service over christmas if you honestly think people should just opt out of working those days. While she may technically have been allowed to refuse to work it'd probably make her very unpopular at work. Furthermore if you only have so many shifts to give out are you going to give them to the person willing to work at unsocial times or the person unwilling? This means that it was probably less of a free choice than the OP is willing to admit.

And I hardly think that you can really expect a bank NHS member of staff not to work over the festive period.

Also, not expecting her to not work, just didn't expect her to agree to work on the day that is traditionally their Christmas Day.

Op ..put your foot down.this year before the kids get any older ..do your husbands traditions at your house.eat cod ,open presents at 12 pm. Do exactly how they do..but do it in your house ,and invite all his realatives

MiL could I suspect have chosen to work Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve. Surely that makes more sense. If the day means so much to her then why would she agree to work?

What I find a tad baffling here is usually people are told once children arrive they should forgo the family expectations, that neither side should be able to demand anything yet here it seems like the in-laws demands are okay because they're a different culture?

MiL could have had the whole of Christmas Eve with her grandchildren, allowing the OP and family to leave at a reasonable time, but decided to take a shift at work instead.

OP i dont think your being unreasonable at all. Who in their right bloody mind wants to keep a 2 year old upto midnight?! It seems to me you have offered every alternative, you have offered to spend the full day rather than just an hour or two, you have offered to spend all boxing day but they have said no to all.

If i was you I would go to PIL early and leave at 9pm. If DH wants to stay and do dinner etc then thats upto him

So Lala's DH doesn't think this is reasonable
Most of MN doesn't think she is being entirely reasonable
People have tried to show a different side or viewpoint but
Lala remains adamant she is right
Fine- just don't ask then.

So assuming you are going back to work after your maternity leave so that in future years you will be back in the position of working to 5ish, i dont think it is worth starting traditions this year in a way that you wont be able to replicate next year even if your MIL was not working (i..e earlier Christmas Eve at PILs). i think i would do as follows (this assumes you/DH drive and that your DC will sleep in the car when very tired).

I would go to PILs at the normal time on Christmas Eve or earlier to help FIL and leave some time between 9.30 and midnight (to give MIL at least an hour with the DC). Departure time would be dictated by the DC, i.e. when they get too tired to function properly (lots of tears/tantrums would be helpful to persuade your MIL you need to go!)

I would try to get the DC to sleep in the car on the way home and lift them out straight into bed when you get back.

I would do all the stuff you would like to do at home before you leave for the PILS - plates, Christmas film etc. I am sure you can make it just as exciting as doing it at bedtime. Although this might not work when you are back to work unless you to PILs a bit later. A Christmas film on the iPAD/phone on the drive to PILs maybe.

If DS wakes on return, maybe a quick look at the place to check if he has already been - that would be very exciting!

If you are not going back to work or are changing your hours so that you will be able to go earlier on Christmas Eve in future years, I would tell PILs this year that for the DC's sakes you would like to move the times forward in future years to give PIL as much time with the DC as possible, recognising that DCs are of an age when they wont cope staying up late. If she then chooses to work, that is her lookout.

I would not worry too much about DC being overtired on Christmas Day. That happens to most DC as they cant get to sleep or wake up super early. If they are horrendous one year though you can always revisit the arrangements for the following year.

If you’re not leave yours until after 6 do the plate before you go.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. To all the people saying why are you jogging on Portuguese traditions, surely you can have them in your own home, as a family of 4? Your MIL is working and not going to be there all day. Its unreasonable to expect little kids to be kept up all night and not be able to have 'their own' xmas eve especially as she doesn't normally work xmas eve and won't compromise herself. I'd personally, not be going. If xmas eve is so special, then surely she wouldn't be working? I'd tell her its boxing day or not all.

You all need to go with the flow. I blame mumsnet for this obsession with traditions!

The dummy thing is crazy. I wouldn't risk starting my 'traditions', with an upset, overwrought 2 year old.

I totally get it that in some cultures Christmas Eve is more important (myself included)You did all you could to celebrate it with them over the years however they need to understand that circumstances have changed.You have 2 little ones and I can imagine forcing someone to celebrate Christmas so late when it's literally bed time for children.
I really hope that your husband will support you in this and your PILs will come to their senses.

I'm a bit surprised at all the responses here to be honest.
I just would not be travelling all that way with 2 small kids on Christmas Eve.

You can still do their xmas eve tradition at your house surely? Can do cod and presents at midnight after MIL finishes work. Why would they not be happy to travel but expect you to?

And honestly some of these replies are just ridiculous! So many of you obviously cant understand what shes put in her posts. It suits DH’s family not have them Christmas Day so how is that OP’s fault?!

OP your Christmas day will be hellish if you let your 2 year old stay up so late, why should your DC’s day be ruined just to keep MIL happy?

Or rather I can't imagine.
Silly phone

Why do they have to commit to PIL's every Christmas Eve forevermore? What's to say next year with a toddler and a pre-schooler OP and her fiancé can't decide that they're no longer travelling at Christmas?

Can people honestly say they think a 4 hour round trip with two tiny children on Christmas is reasonable?

As for OP's fiancé it sounds like he agreed with her until his mum kicked off, now he's taking the route of least resistance.

OP and her fiancé can still celebrate his culture and incorporate his traditions in their own home, allowing the children to join in as they get older.

Nowhere throughout this thread has OP stated that she doesn't want to participate in the Portuguese traditions, yet many have decided that's exactly what she's said, ignoring most of what she's saying.

Thank you Michael 😊

I'm done.

A few people have offered alternatives, such as plate at PILs, that I hadn't thought of. Thank you.

A few of you seem to think I want to eradicate all portuguese tradition from my half Portuguese family. You are wrong.

If I had maybe just posted "aibu to want to leave pils earlier this year on xmas eve, now we have a 2yr7m old AND a new 4m old" I do think some people's responses would've been different.

The fact I have discussed new family traditions with my OH, to which he quite likes the idea of, seems to have been missed.

I do usually work, contracted to it unfortunately, I'm hoping to be self employed by next Christmas so I won't have to miss out on traditions with my children, mine or ohs

Will hopefully be able to discuss properly with oh

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable in the least. I know if I tried to do what you are planning on doing on Christmas Eve the two year old would fall asleep on the way in the car and then wake up and be like a briar for the evening and it would be bloody miserable. It's something that wouldn't work with my children. Plus I wouldn't fancy that journey with two tiny children late at night on roads that could be icy. I think compromise is needed on both sides. PILs have to understand that what they are expecting won't work with small children. I know several people who occasionally have to work Christmas Day (hospital staff /paramedics/ fire brigade) and the families adjust plans accordingly and they might have a big dinner on the 26th as well.

Lala2989
I think you need grow up a bit now you have two children, do you really think bank staff can choose not to work weekends or holidays they are employees of the trust or NHS unlike agency staff who are self employed ( but still face pressure to work)
Imagine if you’d had baby over Christmas and all the midwives decided to do what they preferred ie staying with their families.

Ghana but the MiL could have opted to work Christmas Day and/or Boxing Day instead, could she not?