To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

Perhaps the brother in Cyprus will invite you over one year. With you say no because you also watch a film on xmas eve and eat breakfast at home?

Obviously not. That would be ridiculous. But that would be a one off rather than annually wouldn't it.

If your partner is not bothered then stay at yours and invite them over . They will eat late anyway but she won't have to cook. Your children can go to bed earlier. Maybe think about stopping going to your parents too as the kids get older. When you have your own children staying at home is usually the easiest and best option. It is important to decide your own traditions with your partner and how you want "your" Christmas to be.

Lying please see OP's response to that question; MiL had a choice to work or not on Christmas Eve.

Also what about the fact OP's fiancé wasn't bothered about spending Christmas Eve with his parents before he met OP? But now because OP has asked to move the timings, she's denying him?

OP does your fiancé enjoy spending Christmas Day with your family? Has he ever asked you to change things?

I think OP now gets Christmas is not just for kids

Hmm. You are not being unreasonable about wanting to start your own traditions and have Christmas at home, but I don't really think that's what you want. You want to have Christmas at your parents. I think you are very lucky you can do that every year because PIL prefer Christmas Eve.

My suggestion is have a special North Pole Christmas Eve breakfast, where an elf comes and visits and takes the dummy's away to Santa. After breakfast you can do all the things you want to do in the evening, have a special bah, get new pjs, watch a movie, then leave out snacks for Santa before heading over to in laws. This way means you can set your own traditions, no one misses out, and your son is likely to fall asleep more easily in the car on the way home without his dummy.

If they can't cope with the late bedtime then that's something else, but you haven't mentioned that being an issue so I'm guessing they are able to cope with late bedtimes. Christmas is about compromising.

OP does your fiancé enjoy spending Christmas Day with your family? Has he ever asked you to change things?

He has never asked to change things, as previous years it has always worked. Before we met, he didn't really celebrate Christmas at all. He hardly saw his parents either. And he has regularly expressed how he wishes he was as close to his parents as he is to mine and my brothers.

If celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve and seeing the Grandchildren is so important why on earth would MIL agree to a 12 hour shift that ends at 8.30pm?

Totally understand the traditions but that's crazy, especially with a 1.5 hour drive with two small children on top of the late start - if it's that important to them to celebrate on Christmas Eve then surely MIL actually needs to be there?

If it were me I'd suggest they come to you on Christmas Eve - saves you travelling, you can cook, and they can come and go as they please whilst you start some new traditions with your own family too.

Then see them boxing day too for some quality time when the children aren't going to bed... unfortunately many of us need to celebrate Christmas on boxing day due to work commitments - that's surely not such a big deal is it??

YANBU

I do also really like slappinthebass's suggestion though if them coming to you can't work...

Baffy exactly! And it seems OP's fiancé is more than happy spending Christmas Day with OP's family and has no desire to change that, but apparently the OP is dictating everything and is self-centred, wanting things her own way.

• If celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve and seeing the Grandchildren is so important why on earth would MIL agree to a 12 hour shift that ends at 8.30pm?*

This.

She had a choice. And now it seems I'm being blamed for her not being able to see them for long.

She didn't ask was our plans were, just assumed we would be there late like usual, and forgot that a 2yr7m old toddler who fights sleep is slightly different to a 1yr7m old baby who will sleep anywhere, with the added extra of a new 4m old baby.

Portuguese traditions:

• Cod on christmas eve, usually dinner at 9pm (if you are lucky)
• Presents at midnight as that is when baby jesus brings them - or if you go to midnight mass just after or just before...

I have a half Portuguese family and we (sometimes) eat Cod on christmas eve and we open 2 or 3 presents before bed, so the children can partake on a bit of both traditions...

I think a little bit of a compromise is needed on all sides here especially now you have your own children and want to establish your own family traditions. I don't think that is unreasonable and I also think keeping young kids away from home until very late Xmas eve is not ideal, regardless of whether your Portuguese PIL celebrate Xmas eve or not. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if you can go over earlier but if your MIL is working then I think they cannot insist you go over late when you now have a young child. As you say if that is the day they usually celebrate it seems strange she has opted to work. That is her problem not yours.

My DD and her husband and kids alternate between spending Xmas day with us and the following year the PIL sometimes at ours or theirs. I think if you are going to talk about ditching your PIL traditions you also have to give every other year or every third year to spending Xmas day with them rather than your family. You can always meet up with your family Boxing Day.

Your mil was happy to work around you when you were working, it's time to do the same for her...

Put the plate for Santa out in the afternoon before you go - it doesn't HAVE to be put out last thing at night. You can still make it special. If your child is still awake when you come home from the in laws you can say something like "ooh look, it's still there, he must be on his way, we'd better get to bed.."

You sound like you get everything your way and spend the heart of Xmas with your family. I'm not surprised your DH won't budge on seeing his mum and making her feel part of Xmas, I would too.

I think this a Portuguese thing. My partner is Portuguese (i live here) and last year we had Xmas at his grandparents house, it didn't start until really late and at midnight everyone opened their presents, though the presents weren't like we do in the UK, they were small token gifts and i think about 2 or 3 each max. I just think it's the way they do things

Ok having actually read the full thread I'm on your side now. I think you added some info in your OP that didn't go in your favour, like always spending christmas at your parents. I see now that isn't why you want to not go to your in laws on Christmas Eve this year. Is your MIL not able to swap her shift with someone who has a Christmas Day shift? Surely a colleague would be eager to do so?

Just seen your latest post - you're criticising HER because she assumed you'd be doing what you always do and she didn't ask??

Im not sure why this has become about traditions really.
You have a 2 year old and a 10 week old baby! Literally no-one I know would expect someone with kids that little to drive 2 hours after bedtime, keep them up for a few hours and drive back. You'd get back early hours of the morning, that's quite frankly ridiculous! Xmas eve or not.

Not least to say you will be exhausted! You'll have a 10 week old baby?! I was spark out by 9pm when mine were that small.

YANBU if you can't go earlier because they're at work and they won't come to you then that's unfortunate but ultimately I'd put my kids first.

For what it's worth op I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your mil has chosen to work on the day she usually sees you, and has rejected the idea of spending a day together for boxing day when she won't be doing anything else.

Taking 2 kids on a 2 hr car journey at stupid o'clock in the morning, when you're likely to be tired so shouldn't be driving in the first place, is just not on.

I understand traditions are there to be kept alive, but mil is the one who has changed this by agreeing to work when she usually wouldn't and also not accommodating the fact that you have 2 young children who will be out of routine and miserable.

You're being painted as the bad guy because your partner doesn't want to have a conversation about it, so it's not his fault when they're looking for someone to blame.

If your in laws won't travel to you because it's inconvenient, then buggered if I'd be forcing 2 kids on a 4 hour round trip.

I'm not surprised your DH won't budge on seeing his mum and making her feel part of Xmas, I would too.

I'm not refusing to see them... I've just asked to move it earlier, and also offered to spend Boxing Day with them as xmas eve will finish earlier and she will get time to see them.

I get it, balancing families can be really hard (I have 3 families to visit in 3 parts of the country) but, it kind of sounds like you're not willing to make any compromises...

Traditions change once you have children and there are many things that I used to do before DC that we can't possibly do in the same way anymore.

Hopefully you can sit down with DH and work out an actual compromise that involves spending time with both of your families but also putting the needs of your two children into the equation now too. Good luck.

OP if you wanted traditional English Christmas maybe you should have had babies with someone of same background

Some of these replies are ridiculous.

OP is not refusing to partake in her fiancé's traditions (traditions he's not actually been all that fussed about in the past), she's simply asked for timings to be moved, while at the same time offering alternatives.

other than the keeping DS awake v late to open pressies (which would be an issue for my DD) I think you are being U.

I would do the plate for Santa with Ds before setting off to PIL. It will still be dark and Christmassy (as it is an eventing thingy) and he will still see them half eaten in the morning.

Let's stop for a minute and think about the reality of keeping small excited children up till gone midnight on Christmas Eve.thats ludicrous,they will be exhausted. And probably play up.op I think you have offered to compromise by saying you have all day Xmas eve with the inlaws it is not your fault mil has to work.you ave offered other days ,that's been refused...I think the bit about your husbands culture is muddying the waters ...I don't think it's acceptable to keep two exhausted kids up to be mils entertainment for Xmas eve.regardless of her culture she should realise two tired kiddies need their bed at a normal time ,and she should not be demanding they are ferried arocss London at that time of night.on Xmas eve.